Cake Vs Pie

“What?  You play the Xbox?  You should be slapped off that chair and land on your stomach so the Gods of gaming can sodomize you with a Playstation three controller to teach you a life lesson about what a piece of shit you are.”

Competition fuels this country.  Competition fuels the economy.  Competition has created millions of douche bags who’ve abandoned all self worth for the idea that they’re elitist because of the trashy things that they buy.  I’m a firm believer that the more competitive the consumers are, the better product the companies will supply.  So who wins in the proverbial battle of cake vs. pie (pie)?  The consumer does.  However, it turns many consumers into self destructive and over analytical tools who troll the internet and the real world with their bias ways.  Let me go ahead and share some experiences I’ve had in the past.

Amazon Kindle VS Barnes & Noble Nook:

With all products, it should be known that the value people hold them at boils down to personal opinion.  The competition is really between two companies that sell a product that basically do the same thing, only with different perks.  One company is going to have a perk that appeases you more than the other, whereas the other company has a perk that attracts other people.  Think of it as choosing an escort from company A because she has bigger boobs while your friend picks the girl from company B because she has a bigger penis.  With that analogy in mind, the consumer douche baggery is born. 

It was the final day of training I had to go through on my second TDY and the woman sitting two seats to my right had her nose buried in a book.  Actually it was buried into the Nook, made by Barnes & Noble, and the cover she had around it made it look like a real book.  I asked her about it and she said that she really enjoyed reading thousands of books on it.  I highly doubt she had read that many books on it, but I took the hint that she was trying to pass, that the mini book reading computer could hold a lot of electronic novels. 

“Hey, that’s pretty cool.  I was looking into getting one of them Kindles from Amazon.”  Oh no I didn’t (she’s black, so I imagine that’s how she would have said it).  I didn’t just use the K word in front of a Nook user did I?  I may as well have dropped the N bomb.  Even that tongue lashing would have been less severe than the grueling punishment she put me through as to why I shouldn’t get a Kindle.

“It’s from Amazon, it doesn’t have color, you can’t read your newspaper in color, and this Nook came in the color I wanted, and it’s better because I’m a flaming troll who likes it better and what I say is right.”  Obviously exaggerated.  But seriously, most of it was about colors.

“Um, okay.  I’ll have to weigh my options.  Have you owned or at least used a Kindle before?”

“No, but I don’t need to, to know that it sucks.”

Oh really?  I’d say that statement is true when you’re asked the question, “have you ever been punched in the face by Mike Tyson?”  You can’t say that the Kindle sucks when you’ve never took the driver’s seat to one before.  So basically what I’ve gathered from that one sided argument is that you immediately fell in love with the Nook and nothing can ever possibly compete with its unimaginable book reading power.  In other words, it popped your ereader cherry and you want to marry it. 

“Oh and honey, you can play all the games you want on it and you can even watch movies.”  No shit!  How can you play Halo on that?  Do you have to use your telekinesis to make Master Chief move around and shoot aliens in the face?  Regardless of how cool it looks, I’d rather spend my money on an Ipad if I wanted a machine to do all that crap.  I wanted an ereader and thanks to this Nookie (that’s what I’m calling their extreme fans), I decided to pick a Kindle. 

Playstaion 3 VS Xbox 360

Okay, so there is a small, and I mean extremely tiny, chance that I’m an Xbox fanboy.  It wasn’t really all like that though because I did own a Playstation at one time in my life.  Of course that’s just as lame an excuse as saying that you’re not racist because you’re President is black, take that Mel Gibson.  In all seriousness though, I never really had beef with other consoles.  If I was a true console bigot I would have ditched those mediocre Nintendo consoles as well as the much superior PC games long time ago.  It wasn’t until I was talking to a friend about playing games and stuff and I happened to make the same mistake that I did with the Nookie chick.  I dropped the X bomb.  No doubt saying that alone sparked the quote at the beginning of today’s post. 

What better way to tell someone that the console they like is inferior to their choice by telling them that the God of gaming (which I’m assuming is Kratos from the popular PS3 exclusive, God of War) will shove a controller up their ass?  Ever since that day I seemed to notice more and more playstation people calling me a flaming ass hat because I liked something different. 

“Dude, we have Grand Theft Auto and Japanese role playing games.” 

“Yeah, well I have Halo, enough said.”  Besides, I’d rather play a game of hit for hit with the weakest kid I know than to sit there and suffer from the brutally boring battles in a JRPG.

It’s a sad story because I really don’t have any issues with the Playstation other than the fact that the fanboys get all psycho emo on me if my opinion meets their opposition.  Oh, I guess it could also be that Sony, the creators of the PS, has made themselves out to be the kingpins of the game world and continue to verbally abuse the competition, even though their current console has been playing the power bottom since the day it came out.  They even had a company that made a game called “Killzone (which I’m sure you’ve never heard of) and decided to dub it the Halo killer.  The only killing it did was to the fanbase of the PS.  I actually did play that game and I can honestly say that making snow angles in a blizzard whilst wearing my birthday suit sucked less.  Lesson learned guys.  Don’t ever create a product for the sole purpose of “killing” an already successful one.

In my opinion, all the consoles out on the market target different audiences and I think the world as a whole wins that battle.  But to me, it’s unfortunate that I’ve never purchased a Playstation so I could play its mediocre exclusives that are all totally beneath the worst Xbox exclusive…get it?

Apple VS Microsoft…I think

I’m not really sure who Apple is battling and I’m not even sure that Apple is out to even battle anyone.  They seem to be on their own level of development and they’ve proved to be extremely successful.  There’s one problem though.  The products they create turn their faithful diehards into monumental pieces of shit that people hate more than Casey Anthony.  Casey Anthony is absolutely loathed by the way, in case you didn’t get how much these fucking poo pushers are hated.  Perhaps I’m the only who hates them, who am I to speak for everyone?  I once worked with a group of people that utterly convinced me that I don’t care for Apple. 

These people were always going around and telling me that their Mac computers are much superior to the lame old PC.  Then they’d bash Microsoft for an hour.  I’m confused now.  You say that they’re better than the PC, but then talk about how Microsoft ruined the world.  I’m no genius here, but doesn’t Microsoft develop software FOR computers, rather than build the computers themselves?  Doesn’t Microsoft have software that can be used on a Mac?  If that’s the case, shouldn’t you be having a hate spree on HP and Dell?

“Everyone likes the Mac much better, just ask anyone.”  I did, and most people told me they like their PC better because it talked to them like human beings (crazy feat).  The Mac was built with the average idiot in mind.  They’re simpler to use and they cost a shit load of money, hence the average idiot must have it.  I don’t think they’re all idiots, just the ignorant ones who try to tell other people that they’re stupid and wrong because they don’t succumb to the lonely wastelands of Mac world.

“My Mac is better because I don’t get viruses.”  Um, well I don’t know how much I believe that statement.  You literally don’t have any viruses to look out for?  I suppose it makes sense though.  A vast majority of America uses PC.  Your workplace probably has them, your schools, and your home.  They’re cheap and affordable.  That’s a product that the average American can afford.  Macs cost way more than they should and all so they can do the same damn thing a PC does (surf porn on the internet).  So with more people using PC, it would make sense to write viruses for that rather than the Mac.  Think of it this way, why would a terrorist (a.k.a the virus) attack a small city (Mac), when they could take out more people in a much larger city (PC). 

Here’s the kicker though, the one statement that was passed my way that made me never want to buy an Apple product.

“PC’s are for fat gamer slobs who sit around and do nothing.  Macs are for sophisticated coffee drinkers who dwell at Starbucks while they type away on their paper thin laptop.”  Did you hear that America, we’re all fat gamer slobs?  I was so offended that I told her to shut her mouth and make my sandwich before I blackened her other eye.  Okay I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.  Also, what’s so great about sitting in a coffee shop with a bunch of pompous jerks who think they’re God’s gift to the world?  I have a coffee pot at home and a couch that is much more comfortable than anything Starbucks can offer. 

Since Apple really isn’t at war with Microsoft I should have titled this part, “Apple Vs the world” because they have a wide range of products that bring out the worst in people.  The Ipod is so much cooler than the Zune.  I disagree, but America doesn’t (RIP Zune).  I still catch a ton of crap for using a Zune.  What’s a Zune?  Why not get an Ipod?  Um, because they put a new one out every week and it’s enough to make me want to gouge my eye balls out with a plastic spoon.

“Hey I got an Iphone 4!”

“Dude, that was like so yesterday bro.  The new Iphone 789512 came out today.”

The battle rages on with the Iphone Vs every other phone ever made and even more so with the Ipad versus every other tablet.  As far as the company goes, they’re making innovative things and with that, they inspire other great companies to follow suit.  They’ve made the best Ipod on the market, the best tablet (I think) and one of the best phones.  Even more so, they were ahead of the game before anyone else could even imagine it.  So for that I can respect them, but I don’t respect the people who are much  like a former (take note at that word ‘former’) high school mate of mine who so graciously posted on Facebook the following.

“Going from my Mac book at home to my Mac computer at work all while using my Ipod, Iphone, and Ipad, has me enjoying life in my elitist Apple bubble.”  Wow.  Elitist?  This chick actually thinks she’s “elite” because she spends ridiculously large amounts of money on products that were specifically built with non computer savvy people in mind.  Congratulations on the irony, because only computer savvy people can be elitist.  I actually only think companies and football teams can be elite, not individual money wasters.

“Hey I bought the Titanic!”

“Why? How?”

“To prove to the world that they’re a bunch of noobs who don’t spend their money on useless shit.”

In closing I would like to say that I don’t have any personal beef with the Nook, the PS3, or Apple.  In fact, I’m hoping one day I could get my own Ipod, Ipad, Iphone, Icarly, Imsofuckingsickofthesenamesgetoveritalready.  There are tons of battles like this out there and the only advice I can offer anyone is to not get caught up in it.  Your opinion is the right one to you and that’s all that matters, right?