Midnight Blues

            Maybe I should fill the tub up with water and drown her in it. What’s the big deal? I see mothers on the news all the time going to jail for drowning their babies.
            “No!” I scream at myself. What is wrong with me? This is my precious Sophie, my first-born child. Why would a thought like that even cross my mind? I look over at my sweet baby to make sure I didn’t wake her with my sudden outburst. She’s still fast asleep and I continue to watch her for a moment, her tiny chest barely seems to move when she breathes in and out.
            “What is wrong with me,” I asked myself? How could anyone have such a horrid image in their head about their defenseless child? It was sickening. I walk over to my bed and lay down, my head facing away from Sophie. I begin to sob. Tears stream down my face as my chest heaves in and out. I pull the comforter up to my mouth so I can muffle the sounds of my crying. I don’t think I can handle motherhood, especially by myself. I think back on the day I told Seth that I was pregnant.

***

            “This chicken tastes great,” Seth told me as he piled another fork full into his mouth. “What did you season it with?”
            “I smothered it in mayonnaise and the seasoned it with garlic and Parmesan,” I told him. I wasn’t hungry right now. I cooked Seth this amazing dinner as sort of a foot in the door for what I had to tell him. Maybe by making him happy first, he wouldn’t be mad about me telling him he is going to be a father.
            “Well I’m no cook, Sarah, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t find myself a good woman who can do it for m…”
            “Seth, I’m pregnant,” I said. I couldn’t wait until later. “I found out last week.” Seth put his fork down on the plate and looked me straight in the eyes.
            “Is the baby mine,” he asked?
            “Of course it is,” I snapped back. He pondered this for a moment before picking up his fork and continued on eating.
            “Are you sure you read the test correctly,” he asked.
            “Seth, I’ve already been to the hospital. They’ve confirmed it,” I replied.
            “Okay then,” he said with a mouth full of chicken and mashed potatoes. “We can do this. There isn’t any other woman on this planet that I would want to have a mistake with.” My mouth dropped open. He referred to his unborn child as a mistake. I know it wasn’t planned, but to think of his child as a mistake was just inhumane. The following morning I woke up to find that Seth was gone along with all of his belongings. I sat up in the bed and called his name.
            “Seth!” No response came. I slipped out of the bed and reached for my gown. When I picked it up,  a small note that was resting on it fell to the ground. I opened it up and read it.
          

I can’t do this.

***

            I take a break from crying and reach over to grab the engagement ring Seth had given me a month before I found out about Sophie. I don’t know why I insist on keeping it around. The beautiful white gold glimmers beneath the lamp as I thumb the diamond, reminiscing about how happy we were. I begin to get anxious and can’t stop my legs from shifting.
           “Ugh!” I can’t sleep. I set the ring back down on the table and walk over to the window and open the curtains. It’s dark outside, but the blanket of snow reflects the moon and stars off of it enough to light up the parking lot. I always hope to see Seth’s beat up Mustang pull into the lot with the window rolled down and his arm resting just outside of it, a lit cigarette between his fingers. That would be a typical entrance for him. But I didn’t see anything.
            For the past I week I have told myself that I have been crying because I was depressed about Seth not being here to help me, but I wrote him off as a deadbeat and hadn’t felt like this until after Sophie was born. The doctor warned me before I left, he told me that Postpartum depression was something I needed to be on the lookout for and to come back and see him if I was experiencing any sobbing episodes, headaches, and even a lack of sleep. I’ve experienced all three of those symptoms, plus I keep having urges to smother my beautiful baby with a pillow. But I love her and would never harm her. I sit down in the rocking chair next to Sophie’s crib and watch her sleep. Sometimes it is peaceful to me to watch her like this, but other times I get sad and begin crying. After a few minutes pass, Sophie stirs herself awake and begins to cry. It’s feeding time. Her screeching wails piss me off and the feeling to throw her out the window comes into my mind again. Oh Lord what can I do. I subdue the urges, change Sophie’s diaper, and rock her to sleep with a bottle in her mouth. Ten minutes pass and she is completely out again. I lay her down and walk back over to my bed. I get under the sheets. I grab my cell phone off of the nightstand and dial my doctor’s number.
            “Yeah, um, hello,” he answered in a groggy voice.
            “Hi Doctor Johanson, it’s Sarah Griffin.”
            “Sarah, yes, is everything okay?”
            Tears fill my eyes and I reply in a shaky voice, “No. I’ve been crying all week and I cannot sleep. I need your help.”

The Pampered Screw Up

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This is now the fifth time I have attempted writing this particular blog. It’s a tough post for me because it involves my wife and her family. I don’t want to speak ill of people I am related to, but it’s kind of hard when a particular person I wish to speak about continually screws up everyone’s life. Last August Nikki and I allowed her eldest brother and his family to come live with us. He has a wife and two daughters that I will go ahead and say he doesn’t deserve.  The reason they came to live with us is because they were getting evicted for a second time. The first time was when they were living in Pittsburgh, but this time they were in Florida with Nikki’s parents right across the way. Nikki’s father called her and asked her to take him in. I couldn’t help but wonder why this douche is my problem. He’s almost three years older than me and my life is in more order than his. His sister, my wife, is nearly six years younger than him. How often do you hear about older siblings having to move in with their younger ones? Not too often, at least not in my experience anyway.

Nikki and I talked it over. The wife and girls can come here if they want and they can start over without him, but if he wants to come with them, he has to follow a set of rules.

No Smoking

No Drinking

No Drugs

No Going over to your cousin’s house who is known for doing drugs

No Fighting with your wife inside my house, take it outside.

From there we established that if he did come, he had thirty days to get his GED and join the Army. A thirty-year-old man needs to provide for his family, not mooch off of everyone else. Two weeks later they were all here. I felt uncomfortable from the start, but that’s because I like things the way they are and I don’t care for people coming in and ruining my daily routine. I got over it, for a little bit. Right when they first got there, they only had three hundreds dollars to their name. So Nikki and I went out and spent like five hundred freaking dollars on FOOD so eight people could eat. Problems started early for me when her brother began eating everything. The man is a garbage disposal and I’m sure it’s very easy to be like that when other people are fronting the bill.

I’m sorry, let me get the good stuff out of the way first, considering there really isn’t a whole lot of it. During those first thirty days, Nikki’s brother did manage to study and get his GED. I was very proud to see how hard he worked. Well, I suppose I can’t say he did it by himself. Nikki, his wife, and I all had to constantly remind him to GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY XBOX AND STUDY! He would go upstairs and watch Youtube videos about Math and English. I’ll be damned if I didn’t think it was a stupid way to study, but it worked and he passed. Unfortunately when we took him to the Army recruiter, he was told that he needed fifteen college credits in order to join. It’s actually not that big of a deal, I mean, it’s one semester of school. I could knock that out in my sleep baby! So Nikki signs him up for classes and we let them extend their stay since it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t join the Army. While all of this was happening, his wife had managed get a job and began working full time.

Since Nikki’s brother wasn’t able to join the Army right away, we told him to find a job. After a few days of pillaging through crappy jobs, he got a roofing position. This man worked two weeks before punching a co-worker in the face and getting fired. Now I’m not too sure how his story goes because after a little while I realized that he is a compulsive liar.  He states the man swung at him first and that he swung back. I agree that I would have done the same if it were me, but not everyone agrees with that, and I’m not too sure what to think since I cannot guarantee the legitimacy of his story. Let’s fast-forward another month. Still jobless, we find out that this “man” is not doing his schoolwork that Nikki set him up for and on top of that, he wasn’t really looking for a job nor did he want to join the Army. Wow. Then why the hell are you living in my house?

It was after he told us that he didn’t want to join the Army (and the fact that he lied about doing school) that Nikki and I decided they needed to move out. We set a date; 15 November 2012 was the last day they were allowed to mooch off of us. On top of that we decided to collect rent from them for the month of October and the fifteen days in November. The October rent payment was to be in the form of five hundred dollars while the month of November was to be two hundred and fifty dollars worth of groceries. They were collecting food stamps and although he was wasting most of it on Pepsi and Doritos, we still managed to sneak a rent payment out of it. Considering we were paying for their food, it was the least they could do. However, issues arose about them paying rent. Nikki’s brother told me that they could do one or the other, preferably not the rent money. Obviously that solution went over as well as you may have thought. It was pay the rent or get the fuck out. We were better off either way and honestly we were getting fed up at this point. They paid both months and that was it.

He finally gets a job at a crappy company that called him in like twice a week, if that. The time was nearing for them to leave and that is when he and I had a falling out. I failed to mention earlier that they were using our car to get around. Every morning he would drive his wife to work and come back to my house. It was a hassle at times because on a few occasions Nikki was forced to ride her bike to work while they kept the car all day. This way they could both go to work. Please take note that my wife, the younger sister in this story, not only sacrificed our daughter’s bed, house, and money to her older brother, but now she was riding a bike to work so they could get around. What. The. Fuck.

One particular morning, Nikki’s brother informed me that he had to go out and apply for some jobs. Let me tell you, this “man” was gone for three hours, making it so I was almost late taking Kaleigh to school. When he came in I asked him in the nicest way I could, where the fuck he had been. Well he went by the apartment area to turn in the paperwork that would hopefully land them an apartment, and then he went job searching in the area since the one he currently held let him work once every two weeks. I didn’t believe that it took him three hours, so I asked him where he applied.

“King Soopers, and uh………….I don’t want to say.”

What? He was too embarrassed to tell me that he “applied” at a bunch of fast food places. I knew he was lying though because of his hesitation. Hell he just started naming off any fast food joint that came to his head. I then caught him off guard and asked him if those people would remember him if I called to verify.

“Okay, dad, whatever. What is this? I’m a grown ass man dude.” Yes you are. A grown ass man mooching off of his sister and her husband. Nice. So I took the car away. I told him that his wife would have to take the bus to get around and that I wasn’t making my wife ride her bike to work. Holy shit you would not believe the response I got from this “man.” He was so upset that I was taking the car and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just do him this one favor.

Here is your fucking favor asshole. I let you live in my house, sleep in my daughter’s bed, drive my wife’s car, all so you could sit on your fucking ass all day while I cleaned up and took care of my kids all while trying to squeeze school in. You left mountains of Pepsi bottles all over my house, you had sex in my daughter’s bed when I asked you not to, you stained her sheets with it, you left dirty dishes upstairs when we told you that you were not to eat or drink up there. You disrespected the very people who went out of their way to help you. You sacrificed a tiny bit of your selfish life to achieve your GED and after that you became the laziest, most selfish person I have ever met in my entire life. And I was being a mean person by taking my car away when he couldn’t follow simple rules like, don’t be out for ten years because I have places to be as well?

That weekend we got into it again. He wanted to go stay at his cousin’s house for the weekend and I didn’t think that was okay. They had like eight days to move out of my house and I didn’t think it was appropriate for them to go party at his cousin’s place when they should be looking for a place to live. So I told him that if he left, he could take his all of his belongings with him because he was not welcome back. Again, I was being a bad person and he threw the fact that he was a grown man into my face, which I agreed to and told him to be a grown ass “man” elsewhere. So he actually packs up his entire family’s belongings and has his cousin come over to pick him up. He hadn’t talked this through with his wife, who was at work at the time. They didn’t have a place to stay, and his cousin was only letting them in until the weekend was over. He told Nikki that they would live in a hotel after that. Riiiight. Long story short, we gave him a chance to talk to his wife and she told him to shut it.  They stayed, got an apartment and moved out. Thank God!

The story doesn’t end there. He tells everyone that he got a new job at a moving company and for the past two months they have been doing well, or so we thought. Turns out, he didn’t have a job and was smoking pot with his cousin on a daily basis. He lied to his wife about getting paid and took her half of the rent money to “go pay up”. But he didn’t. Now they get evicted for a THIRD time and she finally made the wise decision to leave him. Nikki and I took his wife and daughters in while he gets left on the street. Up until tonight we thought he was going to be living at his cousin’s house, but as fate would have it, his cousin told him no and he landed himself in a homeless shelter tonight. Thank God, this “man” can finally learn to grow up by seeing how hard life can really be. WRONG!!!! Nikki’s parents bail him out again. They had the nerve to call and ask her to spot them money so he can get a flight to Pittsburgh were an Uncle has decided to take him in. FUUUUCK NOOO! But that didn’t stop her dad from finding another family member to help out. Here is what’s wrong with that.

First off, Nikki doesn’t get as much attention or help from her parents as he does. I mean, why should the child who is doing better off deserve attention? The screw up who takes everyone for granted is in constant need and sucks up everyone’s attention. Tell me how screwed up it is that the victims in the story, his wife and two children, are the ones who had to move back into my house so they could save up enough money to fly back to Florida. Yet the man who did this to them gets yet another free ride. He is being rewarded and they are being punished. I really wish Nikki and I could do more for them, but we can’t.  Please, pray for her and her two children. They don’t deserve what they’ve been through. If you’re a better person than me, you’ll also pray for Nikki’s brother. I won’t though; he’s not worthy of my words. I haven’t even said his worthless name in this post.  I cannot come to grips with this situation and I really wish my wife didn’t have to put up with it. I do apologize for the length of this post, but I had to get it out of my system.

The Real World

Millions of people across the world were already proclaimed dead, most of who are trying to kill those who remain living. I’ve been sitting in my apartment for over a week watching the news and playing video games. I was a hermit who did everything I could from the comfort of my living room. I worked from home, played video games, and passed whatever extra time I had by watching the news. I only left the apartment every week or so to collect supplies and mail out the transcripts I had written. Today was that day. I needed toilet paper, a new toothbrush, all the frozen pizza and hot pockets I could get my hands on, a carton of cigarettes, and a case of Easy Street Wheat, my favorite beer.

I sat on the couch watching as the news reported death tolls in Los Angeles and New York. Yesterday they said Colorado was pretty bad. Apparently some dude got sick, went to the hospital, and died before waking back up and eating the medical staff. I over exaggerate of course, but whatever he had was so contagious that every employee in that hospital that day died. It was a sad day for Austin, Texas. I didn’t really buy into the claims that these people were coming back to life and trying to eat the living, like reality turned into some twisted zombie horror film. The news never showed video footage of this happening because they claimed it was too dangerous to get close. I figured it was just a nasty strain of the pig flu and the CDC was having a hard time making a cure. Perhaps that explained the large death toll, assuming the news wasn’t bending the numbers to make it seem a lot more dramatic.

I got off my couch, grabbed my Denver Broncos hoodie, and headed for the door. I paused for a moment to put my hoodie on and reached out for the knob. What if the news claims were right, though, about people become zombies and eating others? If that were the case, Denver would probably look pretty bad. I’m on the east side of the city in Aurora, the most populated suburb in Denver. If people were turning into zombies, then this area would be bad. As ridiculous as it seemed, I waded through the piles of pizza boxes and empty Mountain Dew cans to my room and grabbed the Colt 45 my father gave me last Christmas. The silver gun was heavy in my hand when I picked it up. I inserted a full clip into the gun and stuffed the three extra clips into the pocket on my hoodie. Jesus, I was preparing for war.

I rubbed my lips, realizing that they were pretty chapped. That reminded me, I need some more Chap Stick. I went back through the sea of waste in my living room and opened the door. I peered out into the hallway and saw that it was empty. I began my short trip down to the elevators. Maybe I should take the stairs. I’m only two floors up and my fat ass could use a little bit of exercise. As I reached the corner a cold, dead human stumbled into my view. His eyes were a dirty yellow and his face was green. He looked like he was decomposing. A small trickle of blood flowing from the gaping hole on his face spilled down the remainder of his cheek and onto his ratty clothes. He snarled at me, showing off his yellow, blood stained teeth that were as sharp as fangs. He took his first few steps towards me, the tops of his feet dragging on the carpet, his hands outstretched in my direction. I was frozen for a brief moment, but it was long enough for this creep to grasp my hoodie as I turned to run. I should’ve left it at home, its mid July, who needs a sweatshirt in July? His strength was overwhelming as he dragged me onto my back. I fumbled for the gun in my pocket while the man fell on top of me. This fucker was clumsy, which was my only saving grace. I pulled the gun out of my pocket, turned the safety off, and fired three rounds into his head.

My ears were ringing from the gunshots; I hadn’t realized how close my head was to his until the sound shook my brain. I pushed him off of me and stood up. The man’s blood, as black as night, stained my beautiful Bronco’s attire. I ripped the hoodie off and sprinted towards the stairs. I was half way down before I realized that I had urinated all over myself. I reached the bottom of the stairs and checked my pants.  It looked as though someone dumped a bucket of water on me. I can’t do this. I’m a loner who spends most of my life in a fictional world living as someone else. I’m no survivor. I walked outside, letting the warm breeze consume me. I made my way out into the street that was still lined with streetlights. I dropped to my knees and put the gun into my mouth as the lamp above showered me in a spotlight, as if my suicide was on a stage for everyone to see. That’s when I realized that I was made for this. I kill fictitious zombies all the time. As that thought crossed my mind I saw two more zombies approaching me from my left. I pulled the gun out of my mouth and fired two shots. Dead on. I stood up again, letting the spotlight shine on my epiphany. I may have been an outcast in the real world, but that doesn’t make my life any less worth living. My lips stung me for a moment as I pondered my decision to live. Christ, I needed some Chap Stick.

Talking Spoons

It’s been three years since our youngest child graduated from high school and flew the coop. Things began to get lonely for Linda and I without the kids around and the gap between us grew as time passed. The only time we really spent together was during dinner where the clanking of our silverware carried on the conversation. We sat in silence. We had become desperate in our attempts to fix our marriage and decided to take a vacation, just the two of us. We left our lives behind so we could spend quality time together and try to figure out how we ever got along before having kids.

I found myself sleeping in a separate bed across from Linda while the warm Hawaiian breeze crept in from the patio and tickled my feet. My pillow felt like a small box of cardboard filled with feathers. The rough and scratchy sheets made it difficult to get comfortable. The hum of the fan filled the room as I lie on my side, staring through the dark in Linda’s direction. Her incessant snoring told me that she was fast asleep. At that moment I couldn’t help but realize how the kids brought us closer than we could have ever imagined. The never ending sporting events and practices, the dance recitals, and the plays we’ve attended forced us to spend a lot of time together. Christmas morning was always my favorite. Linda and I would try to sleep in as long as possible before the kids came bearing down on us with insatiable excitement for what Santa had left them the night before. I would get out of bed and start a pot of coffee for the two of us while she made a quick breakfast for everyone. It was typically bacon, sausage, and eggs with a side of toast. Fresh jam that her sister gave us rested in the center of the table and we would all sit down and eat together. We would have lengthy conversations about how life was going or whose favorite football team was playing well. Linda and I would speak to each other like nothing was ever wrong. It was like kids kept us glued together in those precious moments. She would stare longingly at me from across the table until I caught her eye.

“I love you,” she would say in her pleasantly soft voice.

“I love you too, Doll.” I would reply. A single tear forced its way out of my eyes as I reminisced about how happy we used to be. We had fallen in love before we had kids. We used to go on dates all the time and have long conversations while sitting in front of the fireplace in her dad’s basement. We couldn’t stand being away from each other for more than thirty minutes. I rolled over on my bed, facing the patio that was glimmering the soft glow of the street lights out yonder. I closed my eyes, realizing that I needed sleep, and finally submitted to my unconscious.

We woke up the next morning craving a hearty breakfast, so after getting showered and ready, we made our way down to the hotel restaurant. It was a real fancy place that had beautiful beige carpet with black silhouettes painted all across it. The chandeliers hung from the ceilings like large bats in a cave, graciously lighting up the entire place.  Linda and I sat in silence, as usual, as we waited for our meal to come. At the table next to us were a young man and woman that reminded me of when Linda and I were younger.  Their hands met together in the center of the table as they gazed into each other’s eyes, talking quietly as if they weren’t in a crowded room. That’s when it happened. The woman’s cell phone began ringing and when she reached for it, she spilled her soft drink all over the table and her pink dress. She looked at the man with menace in her eyes, as if he were the one to cause it.

“I fucking hate you,” she cried. The man sat there stunned.

“What the hell? Why?” He asked.

“You spilled my coke all over me,” she hissed.

“How could I have done that, you spilled it when you reached for your phone,” he replied.

“You didn’t let go of my hand when I pulled away.” The woman stormed out of the restaurant leaving the man looking embarrassed and confused.

“Do you remember when we were that young,” I asked Linda?

“I do,” she replied.

“Did we ever fight over such petty inconveniences?”

A smile pushed its way onto her face, “Sure we did, but I don’t remember ever making a scene in public.” We laughed for a brief moment as we remembered our youth. This was good; we were talking over a meal. I decided to keep it going by bringing up our past.

“Do you remember that time at Winter Park when your skis got underneath you and you wiped out, sliding head first down hill,” I asked?

Linda began laughing, “Yes! And you were down the hill a little ways and when you tried to stop me, I only knocked you over and you went sliding down behind me.” We laughed for a good minute, not realizing that it was something we needed. I put my face into my napkin to hide how red my face was getting. The story wasn’t even that funny, but it helped us connect in a way that we haven’t been able to in years. It was like we had to start over from the beginning again, but I was okay with that. Linda stopped laughing first. I pulled the napkin away from my face to catch her staring into my eyes. She reached across the table and took my hand into hers.

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too, Doll.”

Dream Come True

I sat in the cockpit staring at the dark ocean outside the window while thumbing the dolphin charm on the silver necklace my wife had given me. Four years had passed since she had given it to me. I was sitting by her side as the cancer in her body slowly killed her. My head was throbbing because of how bright the lights reflecting off of the polished white floor were. Maggie was sleeping; her small and fragile body was half of what it used to be. Her cheekbones were visible and her skin was blotchy. She used to be so beautiful, but at that moment she looked like someone that was living on the streets. She died two hours later, but not before taking off her necklace and handing it to me.

            “No matter where you go, or what you do, this will protect you, Bill. I’ll always be with you,” she said. Those were her last words. With Maggie gone, I had nothing to live for anymore. Every night after work I would go home and strip down to my boxers. I would sit on the couch with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a pistol in the other, contemplating whether or not I should drink myself to death, or put a bullet through my head. But each morning, there I was, headache pulsating through my veins as I drove to work. I wanted to die, but I couldn’t do it because I knew how ashamed Maggie would be if I had just given up.

A drop of blood from the gash on my forehead slid down over my eye, drawing me out of my thoughts. I reached up and wiped it away. I needed to get up and look around the ship. I stood up and began making my way towards the center of the disc shaped vessel until I stumbled upon Jimmy, my co-pilot. He was lying face first on the floor in a puddle of his own blood. I knelt down next to him and rested my hand on his back.

            “Jimmy. Jimmy, wake up,” I pleaded. A low groan rumbled from Jimmy’s chest as he tucked his arm under his torso and rolled onto his back. His face looked like hell, much like our surroundings. Paper, metal, food, and furniture littered the floor as if a tornado passed through. His face was cut open in multiple areas including a large gash beneath his left eye.

            “Jesus Christ, Bill. What the hell happened,” asked Jimmy?

            “Engine one blew out upon re-entry and we crashed in the ocean,” I replied. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jimmy and I were tasked with transporting a small team of scientists from the year 2334 back in time so they could study the Earth before technology and pollution consumed it.

            “What year did we travel to?” He asked.

            I replied, “Before the birth of Christ, brother.” Bill hung his head, realizing that help wouldn’t be on its way, at least not for another six thousand years. We were going to die down here.

            “Where is everyone else,” queried Jimmy.

            “I’m not sure. I was making my way towards the back and you were the first person I found.” Bill pushed himself up into a seated position and scooted backwards until his backside was resting against a tipped over couch.

            “I’ll go look for them,” I said. I stood back up and made my way to the back of the ship. The outer ring of the vessel was made up of small bedrooms. There wasn’t a whole lot of space in them, which made nap time a claustrophobic experience. When I reached the back of the ship, I began looking inside each of the rooms, hoping that the Geeks survived the crash. Room by room I searched and I couldn’t find anything. After all of the rooms were cleared, I decided to go downstairs to see if they were in the laboratory. I marched down the steps, listening to the hum of the vibrating metal my footsteps brought to life.

I was about half way down the steps when the horrific scene caught my eye. The overhead lamps were hanging from the ceiling, some of them still flickering brief sparks of light. Shattered glass was spread out all over the floor, stools had been knocked over, and large machines were flipped upside down. The Geeks were all dead. From where I was standing I could see their crushed bodies and caved in heads. Those heavy machines caused the damage. I rested my back on the wall behind me and slid down to sit on the stairs. I dug my wife’s necklace out of my pocket. The metal felt cool in my hands as I began rubbing it. Seeing the scientists like this made me realize how serious this was. No luck would save me from this.

            “Holy shit,” cried Jimmy. “Oh my God!” He sat down on the step above me, placing his bloody face into his hands. He began to sob. I watched him for a moment before I erupted into a fit of laughter. Jimmy stopped sobbing and looked up at me with awe.

            “What the hell is wrong with you?” He asked.

            I ceased laughing long enough and replied, “The last four years of my life I wanted to die because I felt empty without my wife.” I stared down at Maggie’s necklace. “And here we are at the bottom of the ocean with no possible way to reach the surface, no chance in hell of getting rescued and about three months to live before we run out of oxygen and suffocate. We’ll be nothing but bones when we’re discovered. Now that I know how and when I’m going to perish, I want nothing more in the world than to be alive.” I continued laughing at my ironic fate, just wishing I had one last bottle of scotch.

No Zombies After Eight

I open my eyes and find myself lying face first on a sidewalk. It’s dark outside and the chilly January breeze forces my body into a shiver. I’m not too sure where I am or how I got here, but I’m scared. I look up into the night sky and notice all of the tall buildings towering above me. I’m in a downtown area, but what city? It could be downtown Denver considering that’s where I live, but I don’t see anything familiar so I cannot be too sure. I manage to stand up to get a better view of my eerie surrounding. How come there aren’t any streetlights on? All of these tall buildings are dark as well as if they were completely derelict.

Fear begins to trickle through my veins as I peer around the street. It’s completely empty. There aren’t any cars driving around nor are there any people stumbling home. The scariest thing is the silence. There isn’t a sound to be heard other than the slight hum of the breeze. Even at night, cities glow in the dark, have a spark of life, and the ambience is always present. How come this city doesn’t have that? Down the street, something catches my eye. From here it looks like a bump in the road, but maybe it’s an object or a person. I walk towards it, realizing as I near it that it is indeed another person. I think it’s a guy but I cannot really tell for sure considering my poor night vision.

“Hello?”

Nothing. I continue to walk towards this person who is lying on the ground the same way I was just moments ago. What the hell is going on? I’m not entirely sure what’s happening and to top it off, I can’t even remember what I was doing before I woke up on the street. Maybe I have amnesia. No, I know exactly who I am, who I’m married to, what I do for a living.  I am now ten feet from this person and I cannot tell if he is breathing or not. He’s just laying there, face first in the street.

 “Hey, wake up man.”

He stirs, shifting his head from his right cheek to his left so he could see who is talking to him. I can tell for sure that he is definitely male. I’m close enough to make out specific features. He’s wearing a brown suit that somehow got extremely dirty. His hair is cut into a high and tight, the same type of haircut I used to get. By first sight I would say this guy is at least two hundred pounds and it looks like he is a businessman. As I get a closer look I realize that the dirt on his suit is actually blood, and there is a lot of it.

“Dude are you alright?”

His stare meets mine and I become paralyzed. The man is very discolored and his eyes, oh my god his eyes are white and lifeless. It looks like he could be blind and I would normally believe that if this guy wasn’t making perfect eye contact with me. He can see, that much is for sure. He stands up and begins to snarl at me with razor sharp teeth.

“Holy shit!” I am a nerd. I play zombie games, watch zombie movies; hell I’ve even read zombie books. I’m educated enough on the subject to know that this guy is acting like a dead man who has come back to life, mostly because his arms are outstretched and trying to grasp me. It’s like he came straight from the movies and into my nightmares. Wait, that’s it. This is a nightmare; I’m asleep in my bed hidden within the safety of my house. All I have to do is pinch myself and I’ll wake up. I begin backing away from the man as I reach up with my right hand and pinch the skin underneath my left arm. I pinch it hard and it hurts like hell. Man that hurts! But how come I’m not waking up? This is a dream right? I mean it has to be. But I pinched myself and I didn’t wake up. I thought that’s what people do in order to shake themselves awake when they realize they’re dreaming.

The man takes his first few steps towards me, dragging the top of his feet on the concrete. His snarling is getting louder. My fear is becoming uncontrollable as my body begins to tremble. I begin to breath heavier as I continue to walk backwards. I finally break my gaze from this zombie/man and turn to run but as I do I realize that another one is right behind me, so close that he could grab me. I duck out of his reach and run back the way I had come from. I get a hundred yards down the street and round a corner where hundreds of zombies are lazily loitering. Apparently they have crazy nighthawk vision and senses because they all look at me simultaneously and immediately jump into the pursuit.

Instead of trying to run through them, I continue in the direction I was originally going until I find a small building with its front doors wide open. I run inside and shut the doors behind me. There doesn’t appear to be a lock on it so I just back up away from it, hoping my pursuers didn’t see where I went. As I did that I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard that same snarl that came out of the first man I came across. I reach up and violently push the hand off of me. I turn to face my attacker and trip over a fallen chair in the process. The undead woman falls on top of me, making chomping attempts at my throat. Instinctively my hands shoot up and push her face out of my way. As I do that I use my legs to force her off of me.

I continue to scoot backwards on my ass away from her as she crawls towards me on her hands and knees. I have to stop this chick because she will be relentless in her attempts to eat me. I stand up and pick up the nearest chair. I lift it above my head and bring it down on top of hers. This momentarily incapacitates her, giving me enough time to raise the chair again for another blow. I do this four more times before one of the legs on the chair breaks off. The woman isn’t moving anymore, but because I am a zombie fanatic I know I have to make sure she is really dead. I pick up the broken chair leg and use the sharp end to repeatedly stab the zombie in its head.

After I was sure it was completed I peer out the window and to my relief there isn’t anything waiting for me. I sit down in a booth and realize that I’m in a diner. My heart is racing. I’ve never felt fear like this in my life. That’s when I realize that I urinated all over myself. My body is still shaking and I begin to cry. I only get two sobs in before the window next to the booth smashes in and a lifeless hand wraps itself across my throat.

My eyes open, for real this time. I’m at home in my bed, covered in sweat and panting like I just finished a marathon. Daylight is streaming through the curtains and the sound of cartoons is coming from the television in the loft. I’m still petrified for a brief moment as I realize that I am safe. My first order of business is to make sure that I didn’t pee the bed. All dry, thank God. I thought I learned my lesson last time damnit. No more. I can’t play anymore freaking zombie video games after eight.

The Best Games of 2012

Today marks the beginning of a new year. It’s that time of year where people make silly resolutions that they will never follow through with. I’m going to quit smoking, stop eating, read more, write a book, and bang a model, whatever. My resolution this year was going to be not having a resolution, but the whole principle of the thing contradicts itself so I decided to not even bother with calling it a resolution. To me, the New Year means a fresh new slate of games are on their way and I cannot wait to play all of them. But before I move on to the new, I’d like to recognize the best games of the year that just passed. Here are my top ten games of 2012. 

Number 10: Rock Band Blitz

I approached Rock Band Blitz with much skepticism because it didn’t involve me strumming a plastic guitar or screaming sexy lyrics into a microphone. No, instead I found myself jamming out to my favorite hits using nothing but a controller. Unlike other Rock Band games that require you to be properly skilled to hit enough of the notes in order to complete the song, Blitz only requires that you aim for the highest score possible. There are five instruments, including vocals, lined up and it is my job to switch back and forth between them in order to connect with power ups that can help me boost my final score. The game offers a fresh perspective on rhythm games and the hours are endless because Rock Band Blitz comes with a plethora of songs.  You can also play songs from previous Rock Band games and that is to include downloadable content. 

Number 9: Deadlight

Side scrollers, puzzles, guns, and freaking zombies. Deadlight offers a fresh new zombie experience in the form of a side-scrolling apocalypse set in a 1986 Seattle. The gamer plays as Randall Wayne, a small town Sherriff searching for his wife and daughter. The melancholy city matches the dreary plot, which is full of many satisfying twists and turns. Four hours of intense gameplay that is more focused on running away from the Shadows rather than killing all of them. That isn’t to say that there isn’t any fun melee combat or gunplay. At times you get to slather the world with zombie brains, but playing smart and focusing on your limited resources will go a long way. Many of the ways to escape from the shadows involve short and challenging puzzles that keep the game interesting between the intense moments where Randall is running a way from a helicopter or hordes of Shadows. If you haven’t picked up Deadlight yet, go do so now.

Number 8: Alan Wake: American Nightmare

Oh yes, Alan Wake made his second appearance in 2012 and it was in the form of a television show he wrote for “Night Springs.” The show itself has a familiar Twilight Zone feel to it. Alan is portrayed as the main character of this show and he stuck in a world controlled by his copycat, Mr. Scratch. Mr. Scratch is exactly what Alan Wake would be like if alcoholic serial killers raised him. Alan is trying to defeat Mr. Scratch so he can be reunited with his old life, but in a Groundhog Day fashion, Alan continually relives the same experience because he is unable to complete the right actions to defeat his evil doppelganger. The game is mildly repetitive due to replaying each of the three sections three different times, but each experience is unique in it’s own way, getting darker and scarier each time. The game also offers a survival mode that brings the terrifying combat into a much hectic scenario that it literally made me jump on multiple occasions. Alan Wake: American Nightmare was one of my favorite titles of the year, but I would only recommend it to fans of the series, or else you won’t really understand the real story.

Number 7: Lollipop Chainsaw

Lollipop chainsaw is probably the dumbest game I’ve every played, but it is the stupidity of this game that makes it so much fun. Playing as Juliet, a high school cheerleader with zombie hunting lineage, is the first hint of how crazy this game is. An evil Goth child named Swan releases five zombie demons that plague Juliet’s city with zombies. Her boyfriend, Nick, gets bitten at the beginning of the game, but Juliet manages to save just his head after she performs a magical ritual. Hacking and slashing with Juliet’s pom pom bashes and chainsaw attacks is how this game is played. It starts off very slow, but as you unlock new combos and attacks, the game become much more fun to run through. Juliet can even use Nick attacks which have her throwing her boyfriends head around, which is a very normal way to bash zombies to death. The game is ultimately a score attack that can be played over and over so you can compete with your friends. Don’t expect much of a satisfying story, but do expect the most exciting boss fights ever and tons of replayability.  Just imagine a giant, fat, zombified Elvis, oh yeah baby.

Number 6: Assassins Creed III

Assassins Creed III is the fifth installment in the series and quite honestly it wasn’t nearly the best. That is not to say that it isn’t one of the year’s top video games. Although the story was lackluster and the new Assassin was unimpressionable, the unique new gameplay and style managed to saved it. Climbing around on trees and a new combat system were a couple of new things added into the game and it made it a much better experience. The best part of the game is the Revolutionary War setting in colonial America. Getting to walk the streets of Boston and New York were very fulfilling as well as being able to be a part of the historical acts that lead towards the start of the war. Watching the Boston Massacre and dumping tea overboard during the Boston Tea Party are very memorable experiences. Also, the Frontier was developed to perfection and is the best experience for those who like to go on an adventure. The attention to detail is impeccable. Finally, naval combat is a new feature to the Assassins Creed realm and it is by far the best feature this game has to offer. The controls felt simple and smooth and it brought much satisfaction when it came to sinking enemy ships. If you can get past the lacking story and forgettable characters, you’ll find yourself loving this game just as much as I did.

Number 5: The Walking Dead

I haven’t even finished this game yet and it made it this far on my list. The style of the game is set up so it feels like a movie (or television show). The voice acting is absolutely fantastic and living through a zombie apocalypse from the very beginning is very unique. Playing as Lee, a man convicted of murder, you escape the clutches of death and stumble upon an eight-year-old girl, Clementine, who is all by herself. The game is very emotional at times and very suspenseful at other times. The best part about it is that the choices you make in the game effect the outcome of the story, thus far anyway. It reminds me a lot of Indigo Prophecy (or Fahrenheit if you’re from Canada) in the way that you have to make tough choices. Should you save a strapping young man who can be a valuable asset to fight off the Walkers, or should you save a young eight-year-old boy who is as innocent as they come? It’s a tough choice to make and there will be consequences, but it’s this type of moral dilemma that the game will throw at you and it’s an experience that everyone should try out.

Number 4: Max Payne 3

Oh how I have missed my favorite train wreck. Max Payne epitomizes the broken man who has nothing to live for. It’s been a long time since Max has graced our consoles with his presence and I’m super stoked that he is back. Max is now an alcoholic whose new role in life is to play bodyguard to a rich family in Sao Palo, Brazil. Of course it wouldn’t be a proper Max Payne story if everything was chocolate and rainbows right? From the very get go everything goes to hell in Max’s world and he finds himself chasing down a group of thugs in order to save a dame. Same story different game is what you might be thinking, but the story is very well written and keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire time. The combat is non stop and intense. Bullet time makes an epic return and it doesn’t end there. You can trigger bullet time whenever you want, but a new feature in Max Payne 3 makes it so when you kill the last enemy in a certain location, you can watch a violent kill cam. Not only can you watch it, but you can also continue to squeeze the trigger, peppering this last enemy into hamburger meat. The third installment also features a multiplayer mode, which is the first time in the series. I thought it was going to be a flop, but it was very engaging and fun. It doesn’t matter if you played the first two games (which were both epic), you need to check out Max Payne 3, it’s a keeper.

Number 3: Halo 4

People who know me probably thought this game was going to be my number one of the year. I was skeptical about playing another Halo game at first considering the two games before it were major flops (in my eyes). Heck, a different company developed the game, how great can it be? It’s near perfect for a Halo game, and that is hard to do. The campaign is golden because of the magnificent story. Cortana and Master Chief are more involved and make themselves likeable, believable, hell they’re lovable. They’re the dynamic duo that has given us many years of fun and Halo 4 really makes you care for them on a level that you didn’t know was possible. The Prometheans, a new enemy to the series, changes what die-hard Halo fans consider to be normal combat, but it’s not a bad thing. It’s a refreshing new take on the game that is executed perfectly. The battles you go through are intense and fun. I dare to say that Halo 4 is one of the best shooters of the year campaign wise. The multiplayer makes a return and it’s a very special treat to have. I actually enjoy playing it again compared to Halo Reach, however I have never really adapted fully to any Halo multiplayer that isn’t Halo 2. However Halo 4’s has taken in new features that were probably drawn from popular modern shooters such as Call of Duty and utilized them in an enjoyable way. You can sprint whenever you want now and you can even make unique loadouts specific to your likes and needs. On top of what this game already has to offer, there is Spartan Ops, an episodic series that continues the Halo story through the eyes of the UNSC Infinity and it’s Spartan IV’s.

Number 2: Borderlands 2

This game is unbelievably fun. Following up a very thrilling game in Borderlands, this second game takes us a bit further into the mysteries of Pandora. We get to play as four different vault hunters in this new story arc that has us fighting an extreme up hill battle against the evil Handsome Jack. He is the most evil bastard I’ve ever played against in any video game but at the same time he made me laugh my ass off with his demented dialogue. Borderlands 2 offers a gazillion more guns than the first game did and a much larger area to explore. The characters you get to meet in this new journey are truly what define how well this game was put together. There is a main plot that you can go through, but the rewarding side missions have you doing work for the characters from the first game as well as new quirky characters such as Tiny Tina who emits a loveable strangeness. Exploring Pandora and killing scores of enemies is rewarding and it is made so much better to go at it with friends. Please play this game if you haven’t already; it’s topping many people’s game of the year lists.

Number 1: Mass Effect 3

Mass Effect 3 has set the standard for how an epic space role playing game should be. You get to continue your story as Commander Sheppard on the most epic scale against the biggest threat to the galaxy, the Reapers. The opening sequence of the game has Sheppard and the rest of Earth running for their lives as the Reapers bare down on them, destroying everything in their path. Sheppard now has to unify the universe and get them prepared for an epic battle for survival. He meets many struggles along the way but it is what helps mold this game into the best experience I’ve had all year. The dialogue is touching and the story has even brought a tear to my eye quite a few times. I know people are going to read this and think, “what about that shit hole of an ending?” Well all I can say to that is I won’t penalize such a great game because of how the last ten minutes played out. Hell, Bioware even mended their mistake because of the backlash of the fans. If this game weren’t as great as it is, then we wouldn’t have seen such a reaction out of the people who love it. If you haven’t played this game, disregard all of the negative attention it has garnered. Play it for yourself and see why it is so great.

So there you have it, my top ten. Please realize that I based my choices off of games that I have actually played this year. I’m sure Dishonored, Sleeping Dogs, and Far Cry 3 are great games, and I just have yet to test those waters out. Tell me your thoughts on the best games of 2012. Oh, and stay the hell away from resolutions, they’re pointless.