My Heart Is Heavy

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Yesterday and today have been very hard on me emotionally.  I know they’ve been hard on people all across this country including those who were directly affected by the terrible tragedy in Newtown Connecticut.  I keep asking myself why any person would consciously walk into an elementary school with the intent on killing helpless, innocent children.  I never have an answer.  I see evil in this world and cannot help myself from thinking that this sick individual got some sort of sick joy out of seeing the terror in those little faces.  As a parent I cannot help but to put my little babies in this situation.  We think about what we would have done or how we would react if it were us, but most of us will never truly understand. Thankfully it wasn’t us, but twenty-seven families are feeling insurmountable pain right now as I type this and it is very heavy on my heart.

The fact that the majority of the victims in this tragedy were ages six and seven is what truly tears me up.  Adults have established lives and are more capable of protecting themselves, but children are weaker and smaller and rely on us adults to keep them safe.  Thoughts of these kids thinking about where their moms and dads were and wondering if they were going to keep them safe invades my head and it brings me to tears.  These lives were so young and innocent and it just isn’t fair that their journeys were cut so short.  I would gladly give my life if it meant that these kids could return home to the safety of their homes where their parents will boldly protect them.

This morning I woke up and wondered how awful it must have been to wake up and prep your kids for school, make their lunch, give them a kiss, and send them off on their way.  Never once knowing that it would be the last time you would see them alive.  Then I wondered what the fear felt like to have received a phone call with a notification that a shooting has occurred and that it was at your child’s school.  Rushing over to the school to see if they’re okay, being ushered to the fire station to pick your child up.  Waiting and waiting as other parents come and collect their kids and watching them leave together.  Wondering.  Worrying.  Then finally receiving the bad news that no more children were available to collect, and although they have yet to identify the deceased, the fact that you have not yet been reunited is proof enough.  That feeling of shock probably takes over and maybe as a parent you blame yourself for not being there.  But it wasn’t your fault; there was nothing you could do.  A school is a safe place where young minds are molded into artists and thinkers, and future educators.  Why shouldn’t they be safe there?

There isn’t much about this that I have been able to find comfort in, but one thing really seeps into my brain is the fact that these people are walking in heaven and looking down on us.  They are not in pain, they are not in fear, and they are in peace.  They are not suffering, but we are.  We are stuck here, and as a nation we must endure.  It’s not fair that this happened and I will never pretend to understand how the families are feeling and all I can hope is that they find peace.  They may never be able to get over this, but I pray to God that they can get through it.  Hug your kids, hug your spouse, hug the people you care about, because we live in a very ugly world and it never hurts to show the people you love, how much you love them.  I know I will.