My Return

When I was younger I had gotten engaged to a woman I didn’t love. It was a lustful relationship that ended with constant fighting. I remember sitting at my thinking spot in Cheyenne and texting her that it was over. I can’t remember why it was over, but I was so mad about something that I was going to make her suffer. At the time I didn’t really mean it and thought she would beg me to stay, but she agreed that it was over and that hurt me the most. I made a rash decision that I almost immediately regretted. Thinking back on this now I can tell you that her and I were never meant to be, and that’s okay. But the situation itself, where I hastily did something I knew I really didn’t want to, came into my head as I emptied the recycling bin on my computer. What had once been in that bin was a folder with at least two-dozen blogs I’ve written and never posted online because I thought they sucked. It feels like I erased a part of myself because what was in those blogs were thoughts and emotions I had felt about certain subjects ranging from why Far Cry 4 is amazing and crappy at the same time to what life has been like as a single dad.

I still have all those thoughts and feelings for those subjects, but never again will I be able to write them with such a fresh palate of emotions. A friend of mine has been telling me to just write and post what I wrote without revision or editing, which to me sounds insane. If I did that my blog would be full of diarrhea in the form of words. No, I must still edit my work, but the realization that other people may like my writing even though I don’t hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been living the past year and a half of my life in a self-loathing environment where I have been a victim to someone else. My wife left me for another man. She’d never admit that it was for another man though, but instead would go on to explain why I’m such a skid mark to society that she couldn’t take it anymore. I bought into that whole-heartedly and let those feelings control me. Maybe she’s right about me. Maybe I do suck at life and don’t deserve things that I work for. But the reality is that she is wrong about me. I don't suck at life and I do deserve the things I work hard for. Before this happened I was always eager to write and share my opinion with the world. I was always very excited to write a new story so I could post it online for people to read. That ambition has been silent for so long. In truth it’s never been silent, it’s been buried deep within me and it screams to get out. The sound, however, has been muffled by the much louder sound of me feeling sorry for myself.

I say no more to that. People have been telling me to pick my balls up out of the dirt and move on. Don’t let this one person and event drag you down. Clearly I ignored that and in doing so I’ve destroyed a beautiful landscape I had filled with words, and for what? A writer who doesn’t write really isn’t a writer, is he? I mean, who cares that I just graduated with a writing degree? If I’m not actually writing, that degree just becomes a piece of paper that is as useful as the roll I have sitting next to my toilet. If you don’t practice your craft and get better at it then you’ll never become anything. What if Stephen King gave up? We wouldn’t know his genius and the world wouldn’t be rich with his amazing stories. I’m not comparing myself to him, of course, but he is a prime example that hard work and dedication can pay off. Anything in this life worth having is worth working hard for and it will never come easy.

That’s why my blog is back, that is why I am writing this now. No doubt in my mind I’ll hate every word of this as I go through to revise it, but the world will see it anyway. I know I have a talent for this and that is why I pursued it in the first place, but I need to get over this self-loathing and realize that not everything I write is garbage. So with all of that being said, I have decided that I will be writing for at least one hour a day. Practice makes perfect, right? Practicing my craft WILL make me better and that is what I’m hoping for. It’s my goal to post at least one blog per week, get the script for my graphic novel finished, start writing a game, and even a novel. My mind is full of all sorts of crazy shit. I’m a dreamer who concocts insane stories in his head and it’s time those stories see the light of day.