I was able to shake off the fact that my cousin had the same
views on sharing as my four year old daughter and actually got better sleep
than the night before. Unfortunately,
the cold that I had been getting seemed to hate my guts more than ever on Sunday
morning. Hell, it didn’t really let up
until I was sipping on my hot Dunkin Donuts coffee. Yes, three days in a row we ate at a donut
shop, but that was honestly the only place to grab a freaking bite to eat. This day sucked even worse for the bus. Not only does Boston hate its citizens by
sending the bus every eighty freaking minutes on the weekends, but it was
Easter Sunday and we had no doubt in our mind that they were going to make us
pay. I had even set my alarm to go off
at 0545 that morning, even though I told my uncle that it was set for
0600. That actually happened to be the
time that he was taking his shower. I
just wanted to get a super jump start on the day so we could try to get there
at a decent time. Well lucky for us the
bus was nowhere in site, so we started walking the three miles or so to the
subway.
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| This picture has nothing to do with this paragraph |
We walked far enough to reach the next bus stop and saw a
man standing there waiting. Hell I
figured he was most likely a Bostonian and he knew the bus schedule. Surely it had to be coming soon right? Well apparently this man had been waiting
there for over an hour already and we stood with him for another twenty minutes. It wasn’t too bad though because he provided
some pretty neat conversation. He appeared
to be a hard working honest American, but we soon found out that he was a
compulsive liar. I guess the thing that
gave it away to me was early in the conversation he had told us that his dad’s
only job had been at the airport and he retired from that at the young age of
35. But later, as we were on the bus, he
had revealed to me (because I told him I was in the military), that his dad was
a retired Veteran, even though earlier he stated he was a retired Airport
employee. Apparently he served in the
Army starting at the ridiculously young age of fifteen and was forced to retire
at the much older age of 62. He told us
his dad turned down Sergeant Major because he didn’t want more responsibility,
so the Army forced him out. His dad then
went to Kennedy to try and stay in, but Kennedy told him to fuck off. So everything he had said up to that point
was immediately put into question on whether or not it was fabricated, but we
didn’t care because he was a fun dude to talk to regardless of how full of shit
he was. Sometimes you’ll meet characters
like this and you just need to let them be who they are.
Despite the Boston public transportation treating us like
dirty hookers, we still managed to get to PAX shortly after the doors opened,
which was at least an hour better than the other two days. So since we got there so super early, we
managed to get into the third Hunger Games row.
Of course showing up this early meant we had to stand there and wait a
decade for the show floor to open at ten.
I’m kidding; we sat down and discussed our strategy to get as much swag
as we possibly could. We figured we’d
head over to say happy birthday to Lord of the Rings Online first because they
were handing out hoodies. Then I would
give my Uncle my phone that had my Facebook displayed where I was talking about
Max Payne 3 so he could nab a free T-shirt from the Max Payne booth. I had done it the day before and the chick at
the counter didn’t really read what I said on there. I could’ve said Max Payne 3 sucks more cock
than Justin Beaver and I still would have scored my shirt. Let’s be honest, they get free publicity and
actually save money on all the shirts they hand out, not too shabby eh? So after that we would go to the Assassin’s
Creed booth to pre-order the game to get a free T-Shirt from them, even though
we didn’t have any intentions on actually purchasing anything from
Gamestop. I hate Gamestop, mainly because
of their used game system.
“Yeah I want to return Halo Reach.”
“Okay, we’ll give you ten dollars for it.”
“Seriously? The game
is only a week old.”
Sure, I exaggerated the buyback price, but they do low ball
you like that because they’re cheap bastards who will turn around and sell it
for almost the full price of a brand new copy.
I’d rather buy my used games from Gamefly.
As opening grew closer, people began standing up off their
asses and crowded the front of the line.
Apparently more space is used when people sit down because when everyone
was within dry humping range of each other, I noticed that the line wasn’t even
half full. Unfortunately there were
still hordes of people coming in to join the massive line and thought it would
be a great idea to hop over the rope in the lines ahead of us and take a
permanent spot there. It was total
bullshit. Granted we were in the third
line and not that from the front, but it still pissed me off because we had
waited an hour and a half and these people had just walked through the
door. So me and two people we had been
chatting with cut over into the second line, this way we weren’t being cheated
by the ass hats that were just making their way in. It took some convincing to get my Uncle to
come over, and he finally did. Not
without regret though, he felt bad for most of the morning as far as I could
tell and maybe even longer than that. I
suppose the fact that when the lines did open and we started moving, a person
from the third line cut into the second line as it was moving. It was the same thing we did, but she did it
right in front of the people monitoring the traffic. She was yelled at to move to the back of the
line for cutting. It even made me feel a
little guilty about it cutting, but then again, I wasn’t a dumbass about
it. She must have given some sob act or
flashed her boobs because they let her go ahead anyway.
As planned, our first stop was The Lord of the Rings Online
booth where they had a bunch of hoodies set out in anticipation of the oncoming
birthday wishes. All we had to do was
say happy birthday. Unbeknownst to me,
we had to say it on camera. At that
point I would have whored myself out for a free T-shirt so getting on camera
was no issue at all. It was like I was
addicted to crack and my crack was the useless free shit being handed out
everywhere. As I was standing there
waiting to talk to the guy who was doing the camera footage, some chick came
walking up to me dressed as an elf. I
assumed she worked at the Lord of the Rings booth because she was sporting their
logo on her cape. She had the hugest Adam’s
apple I’ve ever seen, by the way.
“Are you here to say happy birthday to LotRo?” Sweet Jesus it was a dude! I can’t believe I just called him, it. In my defense, he totally looked like a girl
because of his white silky hair that went the length of his body, his girly
facial features, and his big perky breasts.
What a weirdo. So all we had to
do was look into this guy’s camera and say “Happy birthday LotRo!” I may never wear the hoodie, but damnit if it
wasn’t free. Besides, we didn't make the cut for their stupid video anyway haha. After speaking with the
dude chick and posing for the camera, I gave my phone to my Uncle so he could
go get a free Max Payne T. Instead of
walking over there with him, I decided to check out Witcher 2. I’m wasn’t interested in that game so I
played it for thirty seconds and began to walk off. I didn’t even make it off of their game area
when one of the dudes working their booth shoved a free Witcher 2 T in my
face. Hell yeah bitch, I want a shirt to
a game I’ll never play! My Uncle found
me after that and decided he wanted a new shirt too.
While I was standing near the stairs, which happened to be
perfectly aligned right between the Witcher 2 booth and the Xbox staging area,
I saw the funniest thing. Have you ever
seen people play the Kinect? It’s funny
as hell to watch, depending what title they’re moving around to. Well I was in the perfect position to watch
someone play the Kinect, even though the Kinect was located on the other side
of the wall he was looking at. He was
looking at the TV that was displayed to show people on the outside what people
on the inside were playing. He was
literally the ONLY person who wasn’t aware that he wasn’t controlling the
action on the screen. The game was Star
Wars Kinect and it was the game mode where the giant monster thingy runs around
and smashes all the buildings. So
basically this guy was jumping up and down and waving his arms wildly trying to
smash everything. It was priceless. Considering the arms never reacted to his
movements or anything, he probably thought the game was terrible (which I’ve
heard it is), and he walked off before capturing the whole thing on film even occurred
to me.
After the free entertainment we made our way over to the Diablo
III line, and I have to say my feet were already killing me. It was barely 1030 and we were most likely
going to be in the building until five. Standing
in place while my arches were screaming in agony really sucked, but my mind was
able to drift away from it as we watched people playing Diablo, Torchlight, and
new Battlefield 3 content. The line was
for one of the three, but we actually only wanted to play Torchlight because
they were handing out pretty sweet swag bags.
My Uncle had decided that Diablo was coming out next month, so he could
wait to play it. While we were waiting,
my Uncle asked an Enforcer if there were any developers from Blizzard on site,
and the dude pointed one out the same way my daughter would point at a weird
person in public. The dude saw the
enforcer pointing at him so he walked over and asked if my Uncle had a
question. He didn’t have a question so the
guy says to us, “If I hand out beta codes, would you guys still stand in line?” Hell yeah we’d stay in line because we’re not
here to play Diablo III, but we’d still totally take a code. That’s what he did; he went around the line
and handed out codes. So we played
Torchlight II and it was grand.
Although, having since played the Diablo III beta, I can say that Diablo
is a much better game by far. Much
better.
Sunday was our lazy day; we didn’t really want to do much
because our dogs were killing us. So we
decided to wander over to The Secret World booth because I told a friend that I
would play it for him. While we were
over there we stopped by the Red vs Blue booth.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show, but one of the voice
actors, Gus (don’t know his last name, don’t really care) was there signing
autographs. Now I’m a huge fan of Red vs
Blue and I own their first five seasons on DVD.
I don’t own their latest ones and they had a DVD there that had all
three of them on one disc. So I asked
Gus how much and he said 30. He didn’t
bother making eye contact with me, even though when I was standing there wasn’t
anyone else who was begging him for his Herbie Hancock. I’m guessing it’s because he’s a huge
celebrity who thinks that making eye contact with the bottom feeders of the
world would make him less famous, even though he’s not a real celeb. So instead of trying to conduct business with
this ass hat, I ask the chick next to him how much the shirts are. I’m so addicted to shirts at this point that
I was seriously contemplating on buying one.
Twenty dollars is the damage, which is a total crock of shit if you ask
me. There are tons of booths giving them
away for free. So she asks me what size
and I tell her the sexy kind of man size that I am and she’s all like, we have
this one and the Gus shirt in your size. “Who the hell wants a Gus shirt?” It wasn’t meant to be hilarious, but the dude didn’t even notice I said it. Either it was too loud and he couldn’t hear me, or he was just ignoring me. Perhaps if I had offered to inflate his ego in exchange for a worthless autograph he would have laughed at such a stupid joke…No I’m just kidding, I don’t think he’s conceded like that. He just ignored me because I was being a flaming douche, which I was doing on purpose, because I don’t like him.
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| I'm in the game, well, the poster anyway. |
So I hopped across the way just in time to watch a live demo
of The Secret World. I had enough time
to waste since my Uncle needed to tinkle for the tenth time that morning. It was
like half an hour long so even he wound up watching it from the back of the
crowd. At the end of the demo the
developers got the crowd psyched up for some free beta codes that came with dog
tags. I was like, hell yeah! But instead of handing them out one person at
a time like normal people do, they tossed them into the crowd like we were a
bunch of starving slaves. I may have
elbowed a few faces to get two codes, but I totally got them so back off. Then they wanted to give out some free
T-shirts for wasting thirty minutes of our time. Just like with the beta codes, they didn’t
hand them out one at a time, they made us fight for them like football players
after a fumble. They only had three
shirts for like a hundred people. The
first shirt went to the right, the second to the middle, and finally, the last
shirt made its way towards me. I reached
up and caught a fist full of it. I had a
decent grip on it because I caught it first, but four or so people behind me
grabbed it too. They tried to wrestle it
from me, but I used all the manly muscles I have (which is tons), and yanked it
to safety. I had to see who I just owned
because the victory was so juicy, so I turned around and saw that at least
three of the people I fought were girls.
Small girls who couldn’t punch a cardboard cutout over. Oh well, life isn’t fair and I wanted that
shirt like Dan Marino wanted a Super Bowl.
We can’t all be winners can we Dan?
I went to show my Uncle my prize and to my realization, there were two
shirts stuck together. Perhaps that was
the reason I was getting so many dirty looks as I strutted away with a smug
look on my face.
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| I wanted to pretend to grope the girl's boob |
With the day winding down we squeezed in enough time to play
Max Payne three again and viewed a live demo of the new X-Com. X-Com is a strategy game that I’ve never thought
of playing in the past, but it actually looked really amazing. Watching someone else do it was pretty sweet
and it showed me how it should be played, so it may be something I test out in
the future. After that we were
done. We went up to the main lobby where
my Uncle snagged a bunch of free Five Hour Energy shots while I stared at a
chunky girl holding a sign that said “Free Hugs.” I contemplated it but then decided that she
had herpes on her sweater. I tasted one
of those five hour energies by the way and it was like downing a shot of grape
cough syrup. Gross. So all in all we had a great weekend, played
some new games, met a lot of people who were just like us, and got a ton of
free stuff in the process. I smashed my
knee getting on the bus; I assumed that it was karma for stealing two shirts
from those wimpy girls and not hugging the fat chick.
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