Extended Cut DLC: My thoughts

OF COURSE THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS ARTICLE!

The relationship between video game developers and fans has entered a new realm.  Never before in the history of gaming can I remember fans having such an impact on a game that is already on the market.  For a few months fans like me have been crying for a new ending, or at least an expansion to the ending we got, and Bioware delivered.  Now despite what you may think about their “fixed” ending knows this, they cared enough to at least try to satisfy their fans.  Hell, maybe they did it for themselves as well.  They saw the potential to right a wrong and labored for months to release a FREE expansion to an ending they had already “completed”.  It should have been what was included with the original release, but the fact that they had the integrity to right this wrong solidifies my place as a Bioware fan.

I stated in my last article that the last five minutes of the game destroys the credibility of the writers.  It took away everything that defined Mass Effect and forced an unwanted ending no matter what we chose.  But maybe I’m wrong to assume that it is the fault of the writers.  Perhaps they were rushed or overruled with the plot decisions.  No matter how it went down, the ending was terrible and literally tore apart everything that made me love the franchise.  Choices were stolen from me and new plot holes were opened rather than the old ones closing.  Then entire thing was a disaster.  I’m happy to say though, that Bioware has delivered and satisfied my need for closure with this story.  In my last article titled, “Mass Effect 3 Broke My Heart,” I listed off my top ten reasons for disliking that piss poor excuse of an ending.  In this article I will revisit my statements and tell you what has been fixed.  Keep in mind that the ending is the same, but many of the unanswered questions and loop holes have been tended to.

1.       My first complaint was about the sixteen “wildly” different endings that were promised, yet undelivered.  Each ending was practically the same thing minus the color of the explosion.  For my last review I only watched the separate endings on Youtube to verify that they were the same.  I didn’t really want to go through and witness the same ending three times in a row, especially because I was very upset at the time.  That has all changed though because the Extended Cut DLC offers different endings, all unique in their own way.  Each ending, (Syntesis, Renegade, Paragon, and Rejection) all have their OWN unique endings.  They are similar here and there due to their origins, but the end result was a lot better than different colored explosions followed by the EXACT same sequences.  At least this time around it feels as if my decisions made a difference for the outcome rather than being forced into the same exact outcome no matter how I played the trilogy.     

2.       Why did the Normandy crew just bail on their Commander?  This was probably one of the biggest piss offs for me because I’ve grown to love these characters and this heinous act just tarnished their credibility.  I just couldn’t accept the fact that they would flee like a bunch of wimps after everything that they had been through.  These are the same people that walked into a suicide mission with me during the events of the last game.  They knew full well then what the consequences could be, what changed their minds about now?  On top of that cowardice, it made me feel that they were never really loyal.  The entire game made me feel like I was surrounded by loyal people who would die for me, and that was destroyed in a matter of seconds.  Fortunately this was something else that was fixed.  After Sheppard activates his/her option, Admiral Hackett orders the fleets to retreat.  Joker is shown going on about his badassery when Garrus tells him that it’s time.  To me it’s a logical reason.  We created this weapon that is supposed to wipe out all the reapers in the galaxy, I’d back away from the blast zone too.  This brings back the credibility that was lost because instead of fleeing from battle, they were fleeing from an explosion that could take out more than just the bad guys.  It makes sense and I accept it.

3.       How did the crew that was on the ground with me wind up on the Normandy as it was fleeing?  The last time I saw Liara and Ashley was when we were all running towards the conduit.  Yet at the end of the game I see them step off of the ship with Joker after the Normandy’s crash landing.  Even other characters that were back at the rendezvous on Earth wound up on the ship.  But when and how did they manage that?  Fixed.  During the run, your squad almost gets crushed by a Mako and one of them actually winds up hurt.  Sheppard calls Joker in for an evacuation and we get to see whoever is in our squad safely leave the battlefield.  In my case, it was more emotional because Sheppard said his last goodbye to his love interest.  The story flows much better with these types of holes sealed up. 

4.       The Star Child was a massive complaint from me because he was full of shit.  He was introduced in the last five minutes of the game which I felt was rather tacky.  He stated that he created synthetics to destroy organics to prevent those organics from creating synthetics that might in turn destroy the organics.  Sounds crazy right?  Well that’s not exactly fixed, but it also kind of is.  I never liked how my Sheppard just kept taking this bullshit by hanging onto the kids every word.  Not once did he argue with him or give him a valid counterpoint to think about.  Nope.  This time around, instead of sitting there and taking all of this kids crap, Sheppard can actually interact and give him some lip.  We get more information about the reapers and a little bit about their creators.  We learn that the original reaper was the first civilization to be harvested (which I believe was also the creators).  I still think the kid is full of crap for the most part, but the gratifying thing about this confrontation is that it gives Sheppard a lot more leeway in his reactions rather than having him sit back and accept this crappy fate that this no named piece of shit is feeding him.  Synthetics will destroy organics who created synthetics that could potentially destroy turn on them and wipe them out.  Good thing, it could have been a massacre.  

5.       Complaints five and six can actually be answered at the same time here.  The Mass Relays were completely destroyed in the original ending, which as we have seen in the Arrival DLC, wipes out an entire system.  So if every relay is destroyed, wouldn’t that mean every system that houses one would be destroyed too?  That would mean that both the reapers and ALL advanced organic life would be non-existent.  Even if the relays didn’t destroy the systems they were in, the entire galaxy is in the Sol system because that’s where the final battle took place.  The final battle was on a planet that probably can’t even feed its own people anymore, let alone a bunch of aliens, most of whom can’t eat human food.  Starvation seems like the only plausible outcome, at least until they FIXED IT!  The relays don’t get completely destroyed in the Extended Cut DLC.  Sure they take some hefty damage and stop working, but from the looks of it, they seem like they can be repaired rather easily.

6.       The fact that I reach the end of the game and my choices meant nothing was a major downer.  As I stated in response to my first complaint, each choice renders its own unique ending, and this time a fourth option is available.  I know a lot of people could care less about it, but to me it exposed a very real possibility, which is why I love this game.  The rejection option allows Sheppard to do exactly what I wanted to do, say fuck off to the Star Child and decide my own fate.  Unfortunately if you choose that option you get wiped out, completely.  Bioware took into consideration every possible outcome and getting decimated was a great one.  And even though it feels like a huge failure, it’s not.  The sequence to this ending showed the time capsule that Liara put together to help save the civilizations in the next cycle from defeat.  It’s bittersweet, we didn’t get to accomplish this, but we’ve made it so you can, go nuts.  I was just in awe when I saw that because I spent three games trying to prevent that very thing from happening and in reality, not everything has a happy ending.  It was also great because that decision was based on CHOICE!  This ending along with three other tastefully rendered endings brought about closure and made me happy. 

7.       Here come the downers.  The minor things that bugged me about the original ending still don’t make sense to me.  Like why was Citadel brought to Earth and why was there a single point of entry that led directly to the control room?  Why did Harbinger leave the conduit unprotected while there was still activity on the ground, knowing full well that if the arms of the Citadel are opened, his race could be destroyed?  How does Anderson beat Sheppard to the top?  How is it that Anderson tells Sheppard they came up in different areas, yet he beats Sheppard to the control panel, despite the fact that when Sheppard walks out of the room he’s in there is only ONE walkway to the control panel from Sheppards EXACT location?  How does the Illusive man get there, why isn’t Anderson blown to hell like Sheppard, how is it that Anderson was shot in his left side yet it’s Sheppard who is clutching a fresh wound in that exact spot?  Why the hell are the trees from Sheppard’s dreams still behind him after he is knocked down?  Not one fucking answer, but that’s okay because I can live with it considering they’re minor imperfections that I’m being anal about.

8.     How does the Illusive control both Anderson and Sheppard?  I mean, he himself is indoctrinated, not Sheppard and Anderson.  Throughout the entire series that capability has been non-existent, so why now?  The Illusive man had recently found out how to control other people, sure, but his methods were the same as the Reapers which turned his subjects into monsters.  Sheppard and Anderson aren’t husks, so what gives?  We may never know how this came to be because they didn’t address it.

9.       I just didn’t like the ending scene where the Stargazer was talking to the child about “The Sheppard”.  I found it to be corny and useless, but that honestly would have been my opinion regardless.  This wasn’t a matter that was fixed, not that it really needed to be.

Oh yes, the Indoctrination Theory has been disproved.  How awesome would that have been though to see our hero have this inner battle at the end of the game?  I was half hoping my Sheppard would be successful in his endeavors, only to wake up to a final boss battle against Harbinger.  Nope, the endings are what they are, but you have to admit that it was a very clever idea considering all of the strange things that seemed to line up.  The trees from Sheppard’s dreams are still behind you during the last sequence.  The little boy that no one seems to notice wasn’t addressed.  Sheppard clutches a fresh bullet wound in the exact same spot that Anderson was shot.  It may have been a coincidence, but it would have been an awesome alternative.  I’m actually okay with it either way though because Bioware delivered on what they promised.  Closure.  A three minute slideshow/cut scene plays after the events of the original ending and gives us a glimpse of the people that fought beside us and that we have grown connections with.  Jack is shown talking to her students, Zaeed is shown lounging in a lawn chair, and Samara is shown with her daughter (to name a few).  I saved Samara from suicide and it was nice to see that she kept her promise about going back to see her last child.  It was nice to see the Reapers vacate the other worlds in the galaxy so that we could see the scale of what we accomplished.  It was nice to see a tribute made to the fallen squad mates as well.  The most touching was when Sheppard’s love interest put his name on the memorial wall on the Normandy.  I’ve walked by that wall so many times during my play through and even read all of the names of the people who died serving on the Normandy.  Seeing Admiral Anderson’s name alongside Sheppard’s was surreal, and melancholic.  But it gave me the closure that I didn’t have before and I’m happy to have an end.  I kind of wish I didn’t play Mass Effect 3 until this Extended Cut was released because it’s exactly what should have been there in the first place.  But regardless I give this DLC a 9/10 and I highly recommend trying it out.

Mass Effect 3 Broke My Heart

SPOILER WARNING: This post contains all the dirty details of the Mass Effect series, most notably Mass Effect 3 and its notoriously awful ending.  If you don’t want to be pissed off until you beat the game for yourself, then go no further, but those of you who already completed the game or don’t really care if you know ending, then go ahead and proceed.  It won’t be a total bash fest, I promise.

Mass Effect is the most massive game I’ve ever played and I mean that in every aspect.  The universe is huge, the writing is very extensive, and the game play is extremely unique.  You don’t need me to remind you of how the game is played or what the story is so I won’t dive into that.  Hell, if you haven’t played any of the Mass Effect games you probably wouldn’t be reading an article about the third game.  Certainly some of you would have to agree that this space odyssey could possibly be one of the best stories told through video games.  Just recently on G4tv.com, Mass Effect won the Video Game Deathmatch: The Greatest Story EverTold, which was voted by fans, probably all of those same fans who have ranted and raved about the ending.  So since Mass Effect is one of my favorite franchises, I felt compelled to throw in my two cents on the game’s ending, despite it being three months since the game released.  I hate having that feeling that I should rush to play my game in order to keep up with the crowd.  I hate that games get released and people beat them in DAYS, when it takes me months to do so.  So if you’re an asshole who’s going to tell me that this topic is sooooo three months ago, let me just save you some time and give you my response now.  Have fun being a virgin. 

The entire Mass effect 3 game is a solid 9 out of 10 on my scale.  The combat is smooth and the story is riveting.  After two games of trying to stop the Reapers (which was just as hopeless as John Connor trying to stop the rise of the machines) we are finally at war with them, and they are scary.  The best part of the Mass Effect trilogy, in my opinion, has been the emotional connection you get when you put time into the games.  You get to know the characters and with great story writing, you can literally feel their struggle.  Bioware is amazing in this area because their writing is so vast and imaginative that in the first game you can travel to a random planet, find a body, and read about the dude’s history off of the data pad he had on him.  Each and every planet has a description too.  On top of that, each alien race (even the insignificant ones) has a detailed history that you can read about.  Bioware even wrote the history of the extinct race that used to control the galaxy.  The back ground stories make the current one much greater in my opinion.  As a gamer I was able to tell that these races, all of them, had everything to lose.  I felt sorrow watching the Asari home world get destroyed, I felt sad when Mordin died, I felt anger when earth was being overrun, and I felt frustration when Cerberus presented itself to being just as much of a threat to the survival of the galaxy as the Reapers.  I felt all of this because of the great writing, but it was also the writing that turned a 9 into a 5.

I’ll play Mass Effect 3 again, and probably again, just like I did the first two games, but it won’t be for the same reasons.  I talked about the writing in the last paragraph but I failed to mention the most superb writing in the trilogy takes place during the dialogue trees where you get to make decisions and talk to people.  Decision making in this trilogy is important because it affects the future.  I’m not sure if you played the game more than once like I have, but let me give you an example of how decisions have a direct impact on things, even minor ones.  Kelly Chambers.  She was the chick in the second game that stood next to the map control on deck 2.  During the second game she, along with the rest of the Normandy crew, gets kidnapped by the Collectors.  I made the decision to go after them immediately and because I didn’t screw around before going to save them, Chambers lived.  Had I waited to go save the crew I would have arrived just in time to watch her die.  Pretty crazy right?  It gets better.  If you save her in the second game you can talk to her in the third game.  After Cerberus attacks the Citadel, I found out that they flushed Chambers out and executed her because she quit working for them.  I was so pissed off because I didn’t know how to save her; I just thought it was her time (like she’s real).  On my second play through though, I paid more attention to my dialogue with her and found that I could convince her to change her identity.  She did and she lived, all because of the choices I made. 

That example is minor though, compared to the large scale of how the trilogy played out.  In the end, I played my cards right on every game.  I played the first game five times (mainly for achievements) and re-arranged how I wanted the story to play out.  I wanted to bang Ashley instead of Liara (because asking for a threesome was out of the question for Ashley).  I wanted to make sure Wrex lived, I wanted to get my paragon so high that in the end I could skip an entire fight by making Saren see the light just long enough for him to blow his own brains out.  That’s how I treated the second game as well because the choices from each game carry over to the sequel.  I read that we were promised sixteen different endings for this epic trilogy and I expected it to be magical or something.  I thought I would be getting the good ending since I played like an angel throughout the series.  I kept people alive when I really wanted to kill them and I always said the right thing.  I figured I’d get a paragon ending because that’s how I evolved my Sheppard.  I say “my” Sheppard because with all the choices that can be made in the trilogy, it will be hard to find two that are exactly alike (that is to include appearance).

I love Mass Effect 3 and I suggest that every fan of space adventures play it, but it’s literally the last five minutes of the game that totally destroys the credibility of Bioware’s writers.  Here is my list of why the ending sucks ass.  In case you didn’t read the first paragraph, spoilers will follow.

1.        Those sixteen different endings are ALL THE SAME.  I’ve watched the sixteen different endings on Youtube and I can tell you that they are all pretty much the same with minor differences here and there.  So much for the “wildly” different endings right?  The outcome is the same in all of them except the renegade option, which leaves us thinking that Sheppard may still be alive because we see him take a breath while lying in some rubble. 

2.       Why the hell did the Normandy flee?  The entire game we grow to love the characters in the trilogy and one thing I’ve learned is that they would NEVER leave their commander behind.  Ever.  Especially when the entire galaxy is fighting for survival.  How does the man that told Sheppard that he expects him to come back just run away and leave him to die?  It doesn’t make sense and it destroys Joker’s credibility as a loyal person. 

3.       How is the crew that was on the ground with Sheppard as they got obliterated by Harbinger all of a sudden on the Normandy with Joker after he crash lands on some shitty planet?  This tells me that Joker had time to go down to the surface, pick up my crew whilst in the presence of the most powerful Reaper, and then make it all the way to the Mass relay.  I don’t believe for a second that Joker would flee, and I definitely don’t believe that he would pick up other crew members but NOT his commander.  I don’t buy it, not for a damn second.  The crew on the ground wouldn’t have left and if they were on the ship, they wouldn’t have let Joker flee.  My God, I feel as if the writers had someone shit on their brains while they wrote this ending. 

4.       The Star Child (or God child as I have seen him referred to):  In the beginning of the game, Sheppard watches a ship explode by Reaper fire.  There was a child on that ship that Sheppard had tried to save only minutes earlier.  Sheppard has frequent dreams about the child and now, here at the end of the game, the star child takes on the form of that very kid.  But that isn’t what bothers me about the star child.  This little fucker is not only introduced within the LAST FIVE MINUTES of an entire trilogy, but he also tells Sheppard that he is the one that created the Reapers and that they are his answer.  For what, you ask?  Chaos of course.  His explanation is full of shit.  In order to prevent chaos, this new character states that the reapers, who are synthetic, destroy all advanced organic life in order to prevent those organics from creating synthetics that could turn on their masters and destroy them.  So basically, synthetics wipe out organics so they can prevent synthetics from wiping out organics?  What?  On top of this kid spoon feeding Sheppard this shit; Sheppard doesn’t call him out on it.  Had it been any other character in the game Sheppard would have whipped his cock out and slapped around whoever was messing with him, but nope, not here.

5.       The Mass Relay Explosion:  As seen in the Arrival DLC package in Mass Effect 2, destroying a Mass Relay pretty much destroys the system that occupied it.  So in every possible ending, all of the Mass Relays get destroyed.  Wouldn’t that mean that the entire galaxy that houses a Relay would simply be destroyed?  According to that logic, you’d think so, but nope, it doesn’t happen.

6.       The entire galaxy came to Earth to fight the Reapers, which totally sucks for them because after the relay is destroyed, no one can leave.  Everyone is going to starve to death because most of them can’t eat human food and Earth is so fucked up that it may not even be able to feed the Humans.  To me it seems as if the Reapers still win in the end, total downer.    

7.       All the choices made in the game mean nothing: As I’ve stated before my hate list, the gamer gets to choose the actions of Sheppard and it affected the plot.  Until you get to the end that is.  Instead of the choices you’ve made leading up to that point, the stupid star fucker gives you three option, leaving Sheppard to die in every outcome.  You can blow the Reapers up, you can control the Reapers, or you can make it so the entire galaxy is half organic and half synthetic, which would end the war.  STUPID!  The entire trilogy leads up this and those are the only options Sheppard has?  Is it so wrong that with sixteen “wildly” different endings that one of them could be a happy one?  Whatever.  My Sheppard would have told that kid to fuck off.

8.       Minor details that don’t make sense to me: Such as Harbinger leaving the battle after he burns Sheppard’s armor off.  The Reapers brought the Citadel to Earth and since the Citadel was the final key in destroying the Reapers, they made a conduit that leads pretty much right to the exact place Sheppard needed to be to open the Citadel arms.  Once Sheppard gets up there, he is communicating with Anderson, despite having his shit burned off, which I would have assumed included the tools that allow him to radio people.  How does Anderson beat Sheppard to the control room?  The path Sheppard is on is literally a straight shot.  Walk in a straight line and you’ll get there, yet Anderson was there before Sheppard despite the fact that the only way to get there was the bridge that connected to Sheppard’s entrance.  Then the Illusive Man shows up after Sheppard reaches Anderson.  Where did the Illusive Man come from?  Again, one entrance and there were only dead people and a Keeper where Sheppard showed up.  Why wasn’t Anderson fucked up like Sheppard?  The dude didn’t have one scratch on him, he was perfect.  It’s almost like he didn’t run from the same exact spot Sheppard did moments before, even though we saw him standing next to Sheppard before making that sprinting failure towards the finish.  It just seems that with all the great writing this series has seen, minimal details like these would be easy to fix, but they’re not.  So it leads me to the question, is it bad writing or is there some other reason for it (more on that in a minute).

9.       The Illusive Man: He is so totally indoctrinated by the Reapers (I shouldn’t have to explain what indoctrination is) that it is evident that he isn’t in control of himself.  In fact, as far as the series goes, indoctrination appears to be the ONLY way someone can control the actions of others and it’s ONLY the Reapers who can do that.  So how does the Illusive Man gain control over both Anderson and Sheppard?  It doesn’t make sense that one indoctrinated being can control two beings that aren’t indoctrinated.  What the hell Bioware?  That seems like an important detail.

10.   The old man and his granddaughter, daughter, or whatever:  What the hell is this?  I’m not sure if the whole thing was a made up story because of this, or if the girl I chose to bump ugs with wound up making babies with Joker on whatever planet they landed on and these people are the product of a continued civilization centuries later.  Who knows, either way it’s stupid.  Especially when they refer to the hero of the galaxy as “The Sheppard”.  This was a terrible thing to put into the ending because it’s confusing. 

I’m not sure why Bioware ended their game like this.  I was one of the last people I know to have actually completed the game and I had already had the displeasure of hearing everyone freak out about it.  At first I couldn’t help but be mad at them because this is a product of Bioware and they can end the game however they feel like it.  Then after completing the game for myself, I realized that Bioware did make a mistake.  They introduced a character in the last five minutes of the game and on top of that they created more loopholes than were there to begin with on top of not plugging up any at all.  I feel that bringing the entire galaxy to war was a waste, despite how awesome it was to watch the fleets charge into battle.  We didn’t get to see much of that effort being made.  I feel that with the Relays being destroyed, my efforts to bring peace to the Quarians and the Geth were useless as well as helping the Krogan and Turians get along.  It makes me feel hopeless when something I’ve spent hours on and got emotionally invested in wound up causing more confusion.  What happened to my choices?  They didn’t have any merit in the ending at all. 

Now after beating the game I scoured the internet to finally read the buzz.  I had avoided it before because I wanted to experience this tragedy first hand without having it spoiled for me.  After seeing everyone’s thoughts I can concur with the rise of fans up against the company that roped them in and then ended something good with garbage.  Were they rushed?  I don’t know, but I can say that this magnificent game they created was reduced to something that hurts to think about because all I see is an awesome story that took a nasty turn for the worst.  It’s no surprise to see that Bioware is releasing an extended cut to clarify why their shit is so shitty after seeing how their fans reacted.  This movement will forever change the relationship between developers and the fans, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be a good thing or not.  The only thing I know is that they’re keeping the same crappy endings; they’re just clarifying stuff for us.  It won’t fix the fact that we didn’t get the “wildly” different endings, but we never did get a final boss to fight.  Unless of course you consider Marauder Shields (watch video if you don’t get it). 

Now I may be a tad more forgiving if in fact Bioware intended that ending for a greater purpose, such as the Indoctrination theory.  I won’t get into all the gritty details, but I will post a video that you should watch.  The theory is completely fan made but with all the evidence given, one cannot look away from it and say that it’s not a possibility.  The little boy that Sheppard sees die in the beginning is probably the most prominent evidence I can see.  Sheppard is literally the ONLY person who ever sees him, then he even dreams about him, and in the end he’s the star child.  Sheppard has come into contact with Reapers and reaper tech and has been exposed enough to be indoctrinated.  In the description it states that the process could take years.  What if Sheppard was knocked unconscious whilst running for the conduit and everything that takes place after that is in his head.  It would explain being beamed up to the direct place he needed to be, it would explain how he was communicating with Anderson, and it would explain the star child.  The only way Sheppard is to win is by choosing the renegade option, which is the only option that you can see him breath afterwards.  Please watch the videos I posted because they are awesome and convincing.  After watching the video, tell me what you think. 

Dear Journal: My Trip to Boston/PAX East Part IV (Final)

Sunday 8 April 12, 2012

I was able to shake off the fact that my cousin had the same views on sharing as my four year old daughter and actually got better sleep than the night before.  Unfortunately, the cold that I had been getting seemed to hate my guts more than ever on Sunday morning.  Hell, it didn’t really let up until I was sipping on my hot Dunkin Donuts coffee.  Yes, three days in a row we ate at a donut shop, but that was honestly the only place to grab a freaking bite to eat.  This day sucked even worse for the bus.  Not only does Boston hate its citizens by sending the bus every eighty freaking minutes on the weekends, but it was Easter Sunday and we had no doubt in our mind that they were going to make us pay.  I had even set my alarm to go off at 0545 that morning, even though I told my uncle that it was set for 0600.  That actually happened to be the time that he was taking his shower.  I just wanted to get a super jump start on the day so we could try to get there at a decent time.  Well lucky for us the bus was nowhere in site, so we started walking the three miles or so to the subway.

This picture has nothing to do with this paragraph

We walked far enough to reach the next bus stop and saw a man standing there waiting.  Hell I figured he was most likely a Bostonian and he knew the bus schedule.  Surely it had to be coming soon right?  Well apparently this man had been waiting there for over an hour already and we stood with him for another twenty minutes.  It wasn’t too bad though because he provided some pretty neat conversation.  He appeared to be a hard working honest American, but we soon found out that he was a compulsive liar.  I guess the thing that gave it away to me was early in the conversation he had told us that his dad’s only job had been at the airport and he retired from that at the young age of 35.  But later, as we were on the bus, he had revealed to me (because I told him I was in the military), that his dad was a retired Veteran, even though earlier he stated he was a retired Airport employee.  Apparently he served in the Army starting at the ridiculously young age of fifteen and was forced to retire at the much older age of 62.  He told us his dad turned down Sergeant Major because he didn’t want more responsibility, so the Army forced him out.  His dad then went to Kennedy to try and stay in, but Kennedy told him to fuck off.  So everything he had said up to that point was immediately put into question on whether or not it was fabricated, but we didn’t care because he was a fun dude to talk to regardless of how full of shit he was.  Sometimes you’ll meet characters like this and you just need to let them be who they are. 

Despite the Boston public transportation treating us like dirty hookers, we still managed to get to PAX shortly after the doors opened, which was at least an hour better than the other two days.  So since we got there so super early, we managed to get into the third Hunger Games row.  Of course showing up this early meant we had to stand there and wait a decade for the show floor to open at ten.  I’m kidding; we sat down and discussed our strategy to get as much swag as we possibly could.  We figured we’d head over to say happy birthday to Lord of the Rings Online first because they were handing out hoodies.  Then I would give my Uncle my phone that had my Facebook displayed where I was talking about Max Payne 3 so he could nab a free T-shirt from the Max Payne booth.  I had done it the day before and the chick at the counter didn’t really read what I said on there.   I could’ve said Max Payne 3 sucks more cock than Justin Beaver and I still would have scored my shirt.  Let’s be honest, they get free publicity and actually save money on all the shirts they hand out, not too shabby eh?  So after that we would go to the Assassin’s Creed booth to pre-order the game to get a free T-Shirt from them, even though we didn’t have any intentions on actually purchasing anything from Gamestop.  I hate Gamestop, mainly because of their used game system. 

“Yeah I want to return Halo Reach.”

“Okay, we’ll give you ten dollars for it.” 

“Seriously?  The game is only a week old.”

Sure, I exaggerated the buyback price, but they do low ball you like that because they’re cheap bastards who will turn around and sell it for almost the full price of a brand new copy.  I’d rather buy my used games from Gamefly. 

As opening grew closer, people began standing up off their asses and crowded the front of the line.  Apparently more space is used when people sit down because when everyone was within dry humping range of each other, I noticed that the line wasn’t even half full.  Unfortunately there were still hordes of people coming in to join the massive line and thought it would be a great idea to hop over the rope in the lines ahead of us and take a permanent spot there.  It was total bullshit.  Granted we were in the third line and not that from the front, but it still pissed me off because we had waited an hour and a half and these people had just walked through the door.  So me and two people we had been chatting with cut over into the second line, this way we weren’t being cheated by the ass hats that were just making their way in.  It took some convincing to get my Uncle to come over, and he finally did.  Not without regret though, he felt bad for most of the morning as far as I could tell and maybe even longer than that.  I suppose the fact that when the lines did open and we started moving, a person from the third line cut into the second line as it was moving.  It was the same thing we did, but she did it right in front of the people monitoring the traffic.  She was yelled at to move to the back of the line for cutting.  It even made me feel a little guilty about it cutting, but then again, I wasn’t a dumbass about it.  She must have given some sob act or flashed her boobs because they let her go ahead anyway.

As planned, our first stop was The Lord of the Rings Online booth where they had a bunch of hoodies set out in anticipation of the oncoming birthday wishes.  All we had to do was say happy birthday.  Unbeknownst to me, we had to say it on camera.  At that point I would have whored myself out for a free T-shirt so getting on camera was no issue at all.  It was like I was addicted to crack and my crack was the useless free shit being handed out everywhere.  As I was standing there waiting to talk to the guy who was doing the camera footage, some chick came walking up to me dressed as an elf.  I assumed she worked at the Lord of the Rings booth because she was sporting their logo on her cape.  She had the hugest Adam’s apple I’ve ever seen, by the way.   

“Are you here to say happy birthday to LotRo?”  Sweet Jesus it was a dude!  I can’t believe I just called him, it.  In my defense, he totally looked like a girl because of his white silky hair that went the length of his body, his girly facial features, and his big perky breasts.  What a weirdo.  So all we had to do was look into this guy’s camera and say “Happy birthday LotRo!”  I may never wear the hoodie, but damnit if it wasn’t free.  Besides, we didn't make the cut for their stupid video anyway haha.  After speaking with the dude chick and posing for the camera, I gave my phone to my Uncle so he could go get a free Max Payne T.  Instead of walking over there with him, I decided to check out Witcher 2.  I’m wasn’t interested in that game so I played it for thirty seconds and began to walk off.  I didn’t even make it off of their game area when one of the dudes working their booth shoved a free Witcher 2 T in my face.  Hell yeah bitch, I want a shirt to a game I’ll never play!  My Uncle found me after that and decided he wanted a new shirt too.   

While I was standing near the stairs, which happened to be perfectly aligned right between the Witcher 2 booth and the Xbox staging area, I saw the funniest thing.  Have you ever seen people play the Kinect?  It’s funny as hell to watch, depending what title they’re moving around to.  Well I was in the perfect position to watch someone play the Kinect, even though the Kinect was located on the other side of the wall he was looking at.  He was looking at the TV that was displayed to show people on the outside what people on the inside were playing.  He was literally the ONLY person who wasn’t aware that he wasn’t controlling the action on the screen.  The game was Star Wars Kinect and it was the game mode where the giant monster thingy runs around and smashes all the buildings.  So basically this guy was jumping up and down and waving his arms wildly trying to smash everything.  It was priceless.  Considering the arms never reacted to his movements or anything, he probably thought the game was terrible (which I’ve heard it is), and he walked off before capturing the whole thing on film even occurred to me.

After the free entertainment we made our way over to the Diablo III line, and I have to say my feet were already killing me.  It was barely 1030 and we were most likely going to be in the building until five.  Standing in place while my arches were screaming in agony really sucked, but my mind was able to drift away from it as we watched people playing Diablo, Torchlight, and new Battlefield 3 content.  The line was for one of the three, but we actually only wanted to play Torchlight because they were handing out pretty sweet swag bags.  My Uncle had decided that Diablo was coming out next month, so he could wait to play it.  While we were waiting, my Uncle asked an Enforcer if there were any developers from Blizzard on site, and the dude pointed one out the same way my daughter would point at a weird person in public.  The dude saw the enforcer pointing at him so he walked over and asked if my Uncle had a question.  He didn’t have a question so the guy says to us, “If I hand out beta codes, would you guys still stand in line?”  Hell yeah we’d stay in line because we’re not here to play Diablo III, but we’d still totally take a code.  That’s what he did; he went around the line and handed out codes.  So we played Torchlight II and it was grand.  Although, having since played the Diablo III beta, I can say that Diablo is a much better game by far.  Much better. 

Sunday was our lazy day; we didn’t really want to do much because our dogs were killing us.  So we decided to wander over to The Secret World booth because I told a friend that I would play it for him.  While we were over there we stopped by the Red vs Blue booth.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show, but one of the voice actors, Gus (don’t know his last name, don’t really care) was there signing autographs.  Now I’m a huge fan of Red vs Blue and I own their first five seasons on DVD.  I don’t own their latest ones and they had a DVD there that had all three of them on one disc.  So I asked Gus how much and he said 30.  He didn’t bother making eye contact with me, even though when I was standing there wasn’t anyone else who was begging him for his Herbie Hancock.  I’m guessing it’s because he’s a huge celebrity who thinks that making eye contact with the bottom feeders of the world would make him less famous, even though he’s not a real celeb.  So instead of trying to conduct business with this ass hat, I ask the chick next to him how much the shirts are.  I’m so addicted to shirts at this point that I was seriously contemplating on buying one.  Twenty dollars is the damage, which is a total crock of shit if you ask me.  There are tons of booths giving them away for free.  So she asks me what size and I tell her the sexy kind of man size that I am and she’s all like, we have this one and the Gus shirt in your size.

“Who the hell wants a Gus shirt?”  It wasn’t meant to be hilarious, but the dude didn’t even notice I said it.  Either it was too loud and he couldn’t hear me, or he was just ignoring me.  Perhaps if I had offered to inflate his ego in exchange for a worthless autograph he would have laughed at such a stupid joke…No I’m just kidding, I don’t think he’s conceded like that.  He just ignored me because I was being a flaming douche, which I was doing on purpose, because I don’t like him.

I'm in the game, well, the poster anyway.

So I hopped across the way just in time to watch a live demo of The Secret World.  I had enough time to waste since my Uncle needed to tinkle for the tenth time that morning.   It was like half an hour long so even he wound up watching it from the back of the crowd.  At the end of the demo the developers got the crowd psyched up for some free beta codes that came with dog tags.  I was like, hell yeah!  But instead of handing them out one person at a time like normal people do, they tossed them into the crowd like we were a bunch of starving slaves.  I may have elbowed a few faces to get two codes, but I totally got them so back off.  Then they wanted to give out some free T-shirts for wasting thirty minutes of our time.  Just like with the beta codes, they didn’t hand them out one at a time, they made us fight for them like football players after a fumble.  They only had three shirts for like a hundred people.  The first shirt went to the right, the second to the middle, and finally, the last shirt made its way towards me.  I reached up and caught a fist full of it.  I had a decent grip on it because I caught it first, but four or so people behind me grabbed it too.  They tried to wrestle it from me, but I used all the manly muscles I have (which is tons), and yanked it to safety.  I had to see who I just owned because the victory was so juicy, so I turned around and saw that at least three of the people I fought were girls.  Small girls who couldn’t punch a cardboard cutout over.  Oh well, life isn’t fair and I wanted that shirt like Dan Marino wanted a Super Bowl.  We can’t all be winners can we Dan?  I went to show my Uncle my prize and to my realization, there were two shirts stuck together.  Perhaps that was the reason I was getting so many dirty looks as I strutted away with a smug look on my face. 

I wanted to pretend to grope the girl's boob

With the day winding down we squeezed in enough time to play Max Payne three again and viewed a live demo of the new X-Com.  X-Com is a strategy game that I’ve never thought of playing in the past, but it actually looked really amazing.  Watching someone else do it was pretty sweet and it showed me how it should be played, so it may be something I test out in the future.  After that we were done.  We went up to the main lobby where my Uncle snagged a bunch of free Five Hour Energy shots while I stared at a chunky girl holding a sign that said “Free Hugs.”  I contemplated it but then decided that she had herpes on her sweater.  I tasted one of those five hour energies by the way and it was like downing a shot of grape cough syrup.  Gross.  So all in all we had a great weekend, played some new games, met a lot of people who were just like us, and got a ton of free stuff in the process.  I smashed my knee getting on the bus; I assumed that it was karma for stealing two shirts from those wimpy girls and not hugging the fat chick. 

Dear Journal: My Trip to Boston/PAX East Part III

Saturday 7 April 11, 2012

So I don’t really drink anymore and because of that my tolerance for alcohol has plummeted so much that the two beers I had the night before made me feel slightly light headed.  It threw me off of my game and that sucked because we still had to ride the subway home with all the rapists and murders.  I assumed they were rapists and murders because it was after nine and if all the stores closed down at that time, there had to be a reason why, right?  Not to mention I had to pee really bad by the time we entered the subway and there was no bathroom in sight.  For me, having to pee like a race horse while enduring an uncomfortable train ride sucked harder than Mass Effect 3’s ending.  So after a freaking forty minute subway ride/waiting an hour for the bus/riding the bus/walking to the apartment, we were finally able to rest, and pee.  I think I was more exhausted from the time change than anything.  It could have also been because of the crappy sleep I had the night before.  The couch I was sleeping on split into two parts, which fooled me because it looked like a single the way it was set up.  By the time I woke up my ass was hanging through the crack in the center and Lord only knows how I even stayed on the couch let alone remained asleep.

Our routine began the same way; we hopped on down to Dunkin Donuts to grab some hot coffee and food.  I opted for one donut this day and a super huge regular coffee with cream.  That Dunkachino the day before was terrible.  I don’t know what a sweaty pair of guy balls tastes like, but I have a weird feeling that the Dunkachino may be reminiscently close.  We ate our food like we just escaped prison and walked to the bus stop, coffee in hand.  Unbeknownst to us, Boston hates the people that use public transportation and figured that no one ever needed to get to any place in the city on a weekend.  We waited much longer for the bus than we did to get ready and eat some fat cakes en route.  While waiting there, some lady who was at least 150 years old came up and sat down at the bench behind where we were standing.  There were a couple of things I noticed about her that I found really odd.  The first one was that she was smoking a Black and Mild cigar.  It was just weird to me because I’ve never seen woman take on a cigar before.  She owned the shit out of it though and after every inhale she would take a giant gulp of water and then licked her lips.  Was it to get the taste off?  Who knows, it was just scary as hell because her tongue protruded from her mouth and retracted the same way I’ve only seen cows do.  It like, rolled out of her mouth like a rolled up hose, it was gross.

An hour later we arrived at the venue and despite waking up much earlier than the day before, we only arrived there a half an hour earlier.  At least our spot in the Hunger Games line was a lot closer to the entrance this time around.  Before I can continue on, my Uncle had slept in the same room as me (because he’s secretly gay and wanted to be close to me), and told me that I was breathing like the dude in Ghost Busters was while I was asleep.  Was I having a sex dream or was my fat ass literally out of breath from some fake running?  Who knows, I just wanted to share that story because I found it funny.  It was kind of weird because I’ve been having that stuff happen to me lately.  It only seems to happen when I’m extremely overtired.  Like a few months ago my wife woke me up out of a dead sleep because I was screaming.  I think I was having a zombie dream and I can only assume that the screaming was the battle cry I was letting out as I made the zombies my bitch.  It was that or I was having a dream about Sarah Jessica Parker stripping, and we all know that would be a moment of true terror.



Yay Claptrap!  Best costumes there.

So our plan for the day was to play some games that haven’t been released yet.  Number one on our list was Borderlands 2 because Borderlands is amazing.  Our first panel didn’t start until twelve so we figured two hours was enough time for us to play at least one game and then make it upstairs.  Actually I wasn’t going to the panel at noon, but rather to one at 1300 because it was held by Epic.  So we rush to the line and when we get there it doesn’t look too bad, or so we thought.  The entrance to the line was backed by a group of tables that were apparently being used as an overflow.  We were told to sit down and wait, but people kept coming and standing in front of us.  So as we muscled our way up to the front of what was the shittiest line formation ever, I realized that we were standing in a line that led to another line that led to the game’s actual line.  It was the shittiest set up I’ve ever seen and it really didn’t make sense to have to wait in line to get in line.  Plus the dumbass running the show kept picking people who showed up a year after we did to go join the real line.  Perhaps if they had a decent “Line starts fucking here you dick wads” area, then there wouldn’t have been a cluster fuck of people trying to lie and cheat their way to the front. 

They seriously had the best booth

We eventually got into the organized line and the long wait was boring as hell, but I had brought my Kindle Fire and burned through some chapters of a book I’m reading.  Other than that it was all about getting to know the people enduring the line with me while we watched people walking around.  People watching is very fun, you should try it.  So while we’re standing there, I hear these douche bags behind me who thought they were the best whistlers ever.  The whistling wasn’t annoying; it was the fact that they synchronized it and acted like it was the “hip” thing to do.  Does whistling decently open the door to getting a lot ass?  I doubt it.  So three hours later my Uncle and I got to play the game for fifteen minutes.  Hell, we even got to play together despite the fact that we were separated by six people.  The dudes between us didn’t want to leave each other so they let him come up to the front with me, booyah?  It was an amazing fifteen minutes of Borderlands 2 game play and we had a lot of fun, despite missing the panels we had wanted to go to.    



Bioshock hat/Halo shirt/Borderlands 2 booth = Awesome

The wait was totally worth the pain barking in the arches of my feet from letting my body weight smash them to the ground.  Gravity is a whore.  So like I said, we got to have our way with Borderlands 2 for fifteen minutes and it was a blast.  I wish we could’ve had more time to explore the new landscape though.  The new guns felt powerful and fun, the cartoonish graphics are back and still amazing, and the enemies are fresh and new.  The enemies are still pretty challenging to kill, although I have to say it can be done with a little more ease.  Is this because they wanted us to actually kill big monsters in fifteen minutes?  Most likely.  Am I asking a lot of questions that I answer right away?  I am.  So we didn’t get to learn a whole lot of new stuff about the game, but we got to experience the new skill tree and one of the new characters and I can easily say that the game is going to best the original based on what we played. 

We grabbed a short snack after snagging our free Borderlands 2 shirts, which I’m assuming was not only a gift for being a fan, but for tackling that ridiculous line.  After eating we figured out that we didn’t really have any other place to go since we missed our panels.  So we decided to hit the floor again to test out some different things.  My Uncle was going to make his way over to Diablo 3 and I was on my way to see the new Assassin’s Creed 3 game play video.  It sucked trying to even get into that line because it was smack dab in the middle of all the popular booths and it didn’t really have a designated overflow area.  Instead they had some chick at the end of the line holding a sign that said the line was closed, but it opened up every fifteen minutes.  That was actually a decent strategy and it kept the crowd to a minimum.  I tried coming back twice only to get thrown out both times due to the fact that we were crowding the walkways.  There were like thirty thousand people at this event, everything was crowded no matter where you stood.  So I had no place to go since I already went to the Max Payne 3 booth to score my free T-Shirt.  I stood in front of the Far Cry 3 booth watching a shit load of dudes getting their hair cut into Mohawks while I waited.  Apparently, if they got their hair cut like that and let the chick write FC3 on the side of their head, they’d get a free copy of the game when it released.  I briefly contemplated this, but then realized I didn’t like Far Cry enough to shave my head for it, even though it would have been free.



Awesome booth as well, look at that line!

So I finally got into line behind the chick holding the sign, even though I wasn’t supposed to stand behind her before the fifteen minute mark.  An Enforcer actually came by to kick me out of that spot, but the girl didn’t care, probably because I’m drop dead gorgeous and smelled amazing.  I looked at my watch and it was two forty four.  The line was going to be opening in less than a minute.  I didn’t move.  This line moved very quickly and in the end I got to witness the most amazing Assassin’s Creed footage ever.  I was concerned at first that the game was taking place during the Revolutionary War and that it seemed a lot of it would take place out in the woods.  My questions about how navigation and stealth would work were quickly answered.  They rebuilt the game from ground up to accommodate those navigational changes and it looks sexy.  They made it so climbing and traversing amongst trees took the place of scaling buildings and running across rooftops.  The new protagonist, Connor Kenway (his Native American name is Ratonhnhaké:ton, fuck that), is brutal too.  The fighting sequences were extremely violent and fun to watch.  I kind of feel demented to say that violence was fun to watch. 

Yes

There is also some new equipment that is going to be a blast to use, like this dart blade attached to some rope.  Connor was standing on a branch watching some British soldiers make their way towards him (oblivious to his presence of course) and when they got close enough, he threw the dart around the neck of one of the soldiers and then jumped from the branch, lynching the dude in the process.  He then grabbed the dudes buddy and used him as a meat shield while the other four formed a firing line.  After they shot and missed terribly from point blank, Connor rushed in and made them his bitch with the most satisfying brutality ever!  The final segment of the video was the best because it showed off the new running assassination feature where Connor could kill people without missing a stride.  There were two people in the way of Connor’s target, so instead of finding a way around them, Connor booked it towards the first guy and dug his tomahawk into his forehead.  The whole thing occurred as Connor somersaulted over him and ran towards the next guy, killing him and hopping over him towards a tree stump that he used to launch himself at his target.  That’s where the video ended, which was good because I needed a change of pants at that point.

After that I figured I might as well go hop in line at Max Payne 3 while my Uncle was no doubt still in line for Diablo.  He actually called me to tell me that he wasn’t because it was too long.  Instead he came over and stood in line with me for Max Payne.  Our feet were killing us by this point, but lucky for us, the line was moving fast despite how long it was.  We were almost to the front of the line when my Uncle pointed out that Morgan Webb, the co-host for X-play alongside Adam Sessler, was walking by.  She’s hot.  I totally had a crush on her when I was younger because like female mechanics, gamer chicks are a huge turn on.  Now I do have to say that she is paper thin which is kind of gross, but it doesn’t matter because my wife is a hundred times hotter.    

Finally we make it into Max Payne 3 and played the short five minute demo they had.  No wonder the line was cruising.  This demo felt a lot better than Borderlands 2 because they let us sit down rather than stand while we played.  They also had a dude or chick monitoring a certain area telling you about the game and its features.  Playing through it and experiencing bullet time again was very nostalgic.  I was previously going to boycott this game because Rockstar thinks adding a multiplayer feature to a single player oriented game is a good idea, and the fact that Remedy should be making it (they made the other two).  I’m afraid I may buy it sooner than I had originally planned though because the updated graphics and smooth game play was the icing on this proverbial nostalgic cake.   

As we left the gaming area of that booth, we were showered with mountains of Max Payne swag.  By mountains I mean one hundred stickers with the same exact pattern which told me they obviously made too much for this event.  So upon leaving we went straight for the Assassin’s Creed booth again so my Uncle could watch it.  That was two pair of shorts I had to change in one day.  Terrible.

It was that time in the evening for the show floor to close and we were spent.  I just wanted to eat and go back to the apartment, but my Uncle wanted to see the Hitman Absolution reveal, so we decided to grab a bite to eat in the crowed cafeteria area.  With the show floor closed, we were a little surprised to see a lot of people still hanging around.  Most of them hung around for the night concerts that would take place up in the main theater and others were here to see the Hitman panel as well as the Giant Bomb panel.  Everyone else made their way to watch people play Rockband or to the console free play rooms that let people play whatever games they wanted on whatever system.  Pretty wild stuff.  We tried to get into console free play as well, but it was over crowded.

Uber pwnage since 33 A.D.

So we waited in line for to see Hitman instead and I’m glad we did because it was so awesome.  I can’t wait until the videos hit the web for this one, if they haven’t already.  I just realized I have a lot of editing to do before I release this blog.  So we get in there to find a red tie on our seats.   The ties weren’t really that nice, but they were free, so we turned around and took another one off of the empty seats behind us.  If you don’t know why we got red ties, then it’s obvious you’ve never play Hitman.  The panel showed off a trailer for the game as well as a play through of one of their levels.  They actually played it twice, the first time being as stealthy and professional as possible, and the second one being run and gun.  I don’t know what else to say about it other than it was awesome.  Oh, the ties did come in handy though because they took a giant picture of everyone wearing them.

After that we took the hour long public transportation back to the apartment so we could get some well deserved rest.  My Uncle and I were crashing in the area of the small apartment that served as the living room area.  My two cousins and grandfather were in there to greet us when we came in.  I saw that Brian was drinking a beer and I was all like OMG dude where did you get that.  He had bought a six pack down at the local store I guess.

“Can I have one?”

“No, it’s my last one.  Why don’t you go down and buy a six pack?”  So I’m going to shorten this up because we were all tired and grumpy at this point.  I don’t drink a whole ton so I didn’t want to buy a six pack of beer that I wouldn’t drink nor did I want to buy a forty ounce because I wouldn’t drink it all.  I just wanted one of his six.  Hell he already had five that very evening.  So we got into a petty argument of who has done what for whom in the past and that was the gist of it.  I think he may have been drunk and I was tired, so whatever.  Come to think about it, I could have gotten a six pack and shared it with Brandon, but he’s underage and that would be wrong.  I’m just kidding.  Not about him being underage (he’s 20), but the fact that I care about him being too young.