So I don’t really drink anymore and because of that my
tolerance for alcohol has plummeted so much that the two beers I had the night
before made me feel slightly light headed.
It threw me off of my game and that sucked because we still had to ride
the subway home with all the rapists and murders. I assumed they were rapists and murders because
it was after nine and if all the stores closed down at that time, there had to
be a reason why, right? Not to mention I
had to pee really bad by the time we entered the subway and there was no
bathroom in sight. For me, having to pee
like a race horse while enduring an uncomfortable train ride sucked harder than
Mass Effect 3’s ending. So after a
freaking forty minute subway ride/waiting an hour for the bus/riding the
bus/walking to the apartment, we were finally able to rest, and pee. I think I was more exhausted from the time
change than anything. It could have also
been because of the crappy sleep I had the night before. The couch I was sleeping on split into two
parts, which fooled me because it looked like a single the way it was set up. By the time I woke up my ass was hanging
through the crack in the center and Lord only knows how I even stayed on the
couch let alone remained asleep.
Our routine began the same way; we hopped on down to Dunkin
Donuts to grab some hot coffee and food.
I opted for one donut this day and a super huge regular coffee with
cream. That Dunkachino the day before
was terrible. I don’t know what a sweaty
pair of guy balls tastes like, but I have a weird feeling that the Dunkachino
may be reminiscently close. We ate our
food like we just escaped prison and walked to the bus stop, coffee in
hand. Unbeknownst to us, Boston hates
the people that use public transportation and figured that no one ever needed
to get to any place in the city on a weekend.
We waited much longer for the bus than we did to get ready and eat some
fat cakes en route. While waiting there,
some lady who was at least 150 years old came up and sat down at the bench
behind where we were standing. There
were a couple of things I noticed about her that I found really odd. The first one was that she was smoking a Black
and Mild cigar. It was just weird to me
because I’ve never seen woman take on a cigar before. She owned the shit out of it though and after
every inhale she would take a giant gulp of water and then licked her
lips. Was it to get the taste off? Who knows, it was just scary as hell because
her tongue protruded from her mouth and retracted the same way I’ve only seen
cows do. It like, rolled out of her
mouth like a rolled up hose, it was gross.
An hour later we arrived at the venue and despite waking up
much earlier than the day before, we only arrived there a half an hour
earlier. At least our spot in the Hunger
Games line was a lot closer to the entrance this time around. Before I can continue on, my Uncle had slept
in the same room as me (because he’s secretly gay and wanted to be close to me),
and told me that I was breathing like the dude in Ghost Busters was while I was
asleep. Was I having a sex dream or was
my fat ass literally out of breath from some fake running? Who knows, I just wanted to share that story
because I found it funny. It was kind of
weird because I’ve been having that stuff happen to me lately. It only seems to happen when I’m extremely overtired. Like a few months ago my wife woke me up out
of a dead sleep because I was screaming.
I think I was having a zombie dream and I can only assume that the
screaming was the battle cry I was letting out as I made the zombies my bitch. It was that or I was having a dream about
Sarah Jessica Parker stripping, and we all know that would be a moment of true
terror.
 |
| Yay Claptrap! Best costumes there. |
So our plan for the day was to play some games that haven’t
been released yet. Number one on our
list was Borderlands 2 because Borderlands is amazing. Our first panel didn’t start until twelve so
we figured two hours was enough time for us to play at least one game and then
make it upstairs. Actually I wasn’t
going to the panel at noon, but rather to one at 1300 because it was held by
Epic. So we rush to the line and when we
get there it doesn’t look too bad, or so we thought. The entrance to the line was backed by a
group of tables that were apparently being used as an overflow. We were told to sit down and wait, but people
kept coming and standing in front of us.
So as we muscled our way up to the front of what was the shittiest line
formation ever, I realized that we were standing in a line that led to another
line that led to the game’s actual line.
It was the shittiest set up I’ve ever seen and it really didn’t make
sense to have to wait in line to get in line.
Plus the dumbass running the show kept picking people who showed up a
year after we did to go join the real line.
Perhaps if they had a decent “Line starts fucking here you dick wads”
area, then there wouldn’t have been a cluster fuck of people trying to lie and
cheat their way to the front.
 |
| They seriously had the best booth |
We eventually got into the organized line and the long wait
was boring as hell, but I had brought my Kindle Fire and burned through some
chapters of a book I’m reading. Other
than that it was all about getting to know the people enduring the line with me
while we watched people walking around. People
watching is very fun, you should try it.
So while we’re standing there, I hear these douche bags behind me who thought
they were the best whistlers ever. The
whistling wasn’t annoying; it was the fact that they synchronized it and acted
like it was the “hip” thing to do. Does
whistling decently open the door to getting a lot ass? I doubt it.
So three hours later my Uncle and I got to play the game for fifteen
minutes. Hell, we even got to play
together despite the fact that we were separated by six people. The dudes between us didn’t want to leave
each other so they let him come up to the front with me, booyah? It was an amazing fifteen minutes of
Borderlands 2 game play and we had a lot of fun, despite missing the panels we
had wanted to go to.
 |
| Bioshock hat/Halo shirt/Borderlands 2 booth = Awesome |
The wait was totally worth the pain barking in the arches of
my feet from letting my body weight smash them to the ground. Gravity is a whore. So like I said, we got to have our way with
Borderlands 2 for fifteen minutes and it was a blast. I wish we could’ve had more time to explore
the new landscape though. The new guns
felt powerful and fun, the cartoonish graphics are back and still amazing, and
the enemies are fresh and new. The
enemies are still pretty challenging to kill, although I have to say it can be
done with a little more ease. Is this
because they wanted us to actually kill big monsters in fifteen minutes? Most likely.
Am I asking a lot of questions that I answer right away? I am.
So we didn’t get to learn a whole lot of new stuff about the game, but
we got to experience the new skill tree and one of the new characters and I can
easily say that the game is going to best the original based on what we
played.
We grabbed a short snack after snagging our free Borderlands
2 shirts, which I’m assuming was not only a gift for being a fan, but for
tackling that ridiculous line. After eating
we figured out that we didn’t really have any other place to go since we missed
our panels. So we decided to hit the
floor again to test out some different things.
My Uncle was going to make his way over to Diablo 3 and I was on my way
to see the new Assassin’s Creed 3 game play video. It sucked trying to even get into that line
because it was smack dab in the middle of all the popular booths and it didn’t
really have a designated overflow area.
Instead they had some chick at the end of the line holding a sign that
said the line was closed, but it opened up every fifteen minutes. That was actually a decent strategy and it
kept the crowd to a minimum. I tried
coming back twice only to get thrown out both times due to the fact that we
were crowding the walkways. There were
like thirty thousand people at this event, everything was crowded no matter
where you stood. So I had no place to go
since I already went to the Max Payne 3 booth to score my free T-Shirt. I stood in front of the Far Cry 3 booth
watching a shit load of dudes getting their hair cut into Mohawks while I
waited. Apparently, if they got their
hair cut like that and let the chick write FC3 on the side of their head,
they’d get a free copy of the game when it released. I briefly contemplated this, but then
realized I didn’t like Far Cry enough to shave my head for it, even though it
would have been free.
 |
| Awesome booth as well, look at that line! |
So I finally got into line behind the chick holding the
sign, even though I wasn’t supposed to stand behind her before the fifteen
minute mark. An Enforcer actually came
by to kick me out of that spot, but the girl didn’t care, probably because I’m drop
dead gorgeous and smelled amazing. I
looked at my watch and it was two forty four.
The line was going to be opening in less than a minute. I didn’t move. This line moved very quickly and in the end I
got to witness the most amazing Assassin’s Creed footage ever. I was concerned at first that the game was
taking place during the Revolutionary War and that it seemed a lot of it would
take place out in the woods. My
questions about how navigation and stealth would work were quickly
answered. They rebuilt the game from
ground up to accommodate those navigational changes and it looks sexy. They made it so climbing and traversing
amongst trees took the place of scaling buildings and running across
rooftops. The new protagonist, Connor Kenway
(his Native American name is Ratonhnhaké:ton, fuck that), is brutal too. The fighting sequences were extremely violent
and fun to watch. I kind of feel
demented to say that violence was fun to watch.
 |
| Yes |
There is also some new equipment that is going to be a blast
to use, like this dart blade attached to some rope. Connor was standing on a branch watching some
British soldiers make their way towards him (oblivious to his presence of
course) and when they got close enough, he threw the dart around the neck of
one of the soldiers and then jumped from the branch, lynching the dude in the
process. He then grabbed the dudes buddy
and used him as a meat shield while the other four formed a firing line. After they shot and missed terribly from
point blank, Connor rushed in and made them his bitch with the most satisfying
brutality ever! The final segment of the
video was the best because it showed off the new running assassination feature
where Connor could kill people without missing a stride. There were two people in the way of Connor’s
target, so instead of finding a way around them, Connor booked it towards the
first guy and dug his tomahawk into his forehead. The whole thing occurred as Connor
somersaulted over him and ran towards the next guy, killing him and hopping
over him towards a tree stump that he used to launch himself at his target. That’s where the video ended, which was good
because I needed a change of pants at that point.
After that I figured I might as well go hop in line at Max
Payne 3 while my Uncle was no doubt still in line for Diablo. He actually called me to tell me that he
wasn’t because it was too long. Instead
he came over and stood in line with me for Max Payne. Our feet were killing us by this point, but
lucky for us, the line was moving fast despite how long it was. We were almost to the front of the line when
my Uncle pointed out that Morgan Webb, the co-host for X-play alongside Adam
Sessler, was walking by. She’s hot. I totally had a crush on her when I was
younger because like female mechanics, gamer chicks are a huge turn on. Now I do have to say that she is paper thin
which is kind of gross, but it doesn’t matter because my wife is a hundred
times hotter.
Finally we make it into Max Payne 3 and played the short
five minute demo they had. No wonder the
line was cruising. This demo felt a lot
better than Borderlands 2 because they let us sit down rather than stand while
we played. They also had a dude or chick
monitoring a certain area telling you about the game and its features. Playing through it and experiencing bullet
time again was very nostalgic. I was
previously going to boycott this game because Rockstar thinks adding a
multiplayer feature to a single player oriented game is a good idea, and the
fact that Remedy should be making it (they made the other two). I’m afraid I may buy it sooner than I had
originally planned though because the updated graphics and smooth game play was
the icing on this proverbial nostalgic cake.
As we left the gaming area of that booth, we were showered with
mountains of Max Payne swag. By
mountains I mean one hundred stickers with the same exact pattern which told me
they obviously made too much for this event.
So upon leaving we went straight for the Assassin’s Creed booth again so
my Uncle could watch it. That was two
pair of shorts I had to change in one day.
Terrible.
It was that time in the evening for the show floor to close
and we were spent. I just wanted to eat
and go back to the apartment, but my Uncle wanted to see the Hitman Absolution
reveal, so we decided to grab a bite to eat in the crowed cafeteria area. With the show floor closed, we were a little
surprised to see a lot of people still hanging around. Most of them hung around for the night
concerts that would take place up in the main theater and others were here to
see the Hitman panel as well as the Giant Bomb panel. Everyone else made their way to watch people
play Rockband or to the console free play rooms that let people play whatever
games they wanted on whatever system.
Pretty wild stuff. We tried to
get into console free play as well, but it was over crowded.
 |
| Uber pwnage since 33 A.D. |
So we waited in line for to see Hitman instead and I’m glad
we did because it was so awesome. I
can’t wait until the videos hit the web for this one, if they haven’t
already. I just realized I have a lot of
editing to do before I release this blog.
So we get in there to find a red tie on our seats. The ties weren’t really that nice, but they
were free, so we turned around and took another one off of the empty seats
behind us. If you don’t know why we got
red ties, then it’s obvious you’ve never play Hitman. The panel showed off a trailer for the game
as well as a play through of one of their levels. They actually played it twice, the first time
being as stealthy and professional as possible, and the second one being run
and gun. I don’t know what else to say
about it other than it was awesome. Oh,
the ties did come in handy though because they took a giant picture of everyone
wearing them.
After that we took the hour long public transportation back
to the apartment so we could get some well deserved rest. My Uncle and I were crashing in the area of
the small apartment that served as the living room area. My two cousins and grandfather were in there to
greet us when we came in. I saw that
Brian was drinking a beer and I was all like OMG dude where did you get
that. He had bought a six pack down at
the local store I guess.
“Can I have one?”
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