Dear Journal: My Trip to Boston/PAX East Part II

Friday 6 April 2012

Waking up on opening day sucked for two reasons.  One was because I hadn’t sat down and had a normal person’s meal in over a day.  I had nothing but caffeine and sugar the day before, and not even that much of it either.  The other reason this morning sucked was because the dormant cold that had been slowly creeping up on me made its presence known bright and early.  No longer dormant, the cold decided to move in completely while I was unconscious, setting up a headquarters in my face.  It was a pretty crappy feeling to have upon waking up, you know, minus the feeling of my body freezing due to the lack of sufficient blankets and heating.  Nevertheless, after showering and getting my awesome Halo Combat Evolved T-shirt on I felt a lot better.  The hunger still bothered me though.  Thirty minutes later my Uncle and I made our way down to the Dunkin Donuts for some breakfast.  Conveniently it was located right next to the bus stop.  Inconveniently there were no other places to grab a quick breakfast, or any breakfast period.  We had already woken up later than planned so we didn’t have time to shop around.  The doors to PAX opened at 0800 and we were ordering food from a long forgotten donut shop that Colorado had apparently banned at the same time.  I decided that three donuts would do the trick this morning, even though I would normally only get two.  I also got a Dunkachino which I have to say didn’t compare to the great coffee the company is capable of making.  The only time I can drink their coffee is when I buy it at the store and brew it myself, and it’s amazing.  So I figured the Dunkachino had to be good.  In comparison to the regular coffee they’re known for, the crapachino tasted like someone urinated in it after brewing it with a mixture of dirt that was sitting in pot that was used to capture oil from someone’s car upon an oil change.  Holy crap, I just realized that I again only had caffeine and sugar, what the hell? 

Our bus didn’t make its way around to grab us until 0830.  I guess we weren’t really in a huge rush this morning because our first panel didn’t start until 1030, and we were totally focused on making every single panel that we could.  We later learned that it was impossible to do that.  I was rather pissed off that it took an hour to get to the venue.  Not only did we have to wait ages for the stupid bus to come and get us, but we then had to travel on the ridiculously gross (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before) subway.  We had to ride one train to a certain stop, get on a different one, then a different one, and finally the one that took us to where we needed to be.  If that wasn’t bad enough, our first time trying to figure this out, we took the orange line subway in the wrong direction for about three stops before we realized we had to turn around. 

On our way back to the correct train, we made a stop to let people on and I could hear this dude talking all loud and being all about it before I even saw him.  I was already annoyed that someone could be talking this loud in a public place and I’m sure whoever he was talking to was mildly annoyed as well.  Moments later this bug eyed black man stepped through the doorway and to my dismay, he was talking loudly to himself.  I believe that it’s common knowledge not to make eye contact with the crazy person speaking to themselves in public, especially if the crazy guy is touching himself.  This guy wasn’t playing with himself, but I still forgot the unwritten rule and was transfixed. He plopped right down in the seat across from me.  Where the hell was I suppose to look then?

“HEY MAN!”  That was the moment I realized that I was staring because once he made eye contact, it was over for me.  I was stuck like a deer in the headlights. 

“Man I used to be the drummer in a band and…” the train began to roll its way towards our final destination, slowly and inevitably.  The sound of the train got louder but the dude didn’t raise his voice.  I was still stuck in his gaze and couldn’t seem to find a way out, so I just sat there nodding my head like a fucking idiot as if I really understood what he was talking about.

“And Woodstock, and Led Zeppelin, and Tower of Power, and The Who’s” muffled again, but this time as the train picked up speed, the dude broke out into some air drumming.  I couldn’t hear the music, but he was playing the shit out of those air drums.  The only thing that looked more ridiculous than a crazy bug eyed black man jamming to his fake drums, was watching an old pal of mine whacking his chest in public like it was his own portable drum set.  His crazy orange hair made it funny though.  Yes Chris, if you’re reading this, I’m telling you that your air drumming was so stupid that it felt like I was watching a special ed ginger with Tourette Syndrome beating the hell out of himself.  Man, I can’t believe he called The Who, “The Who’s”, haha wow. 

“I have a future and you have a future.”  Was one of the final things I can remember him saying to me as he pointed his finger towards his temple, and then at my face.  Our stop finally came and I was relieved to get the hell out of that situation.  My Uncle brought up an interesting point shortly after we departed, what if that guy was a regular normal dude who was bad ass at improve and was just messing with me for shits and giggles?  I doubt it, but what a crazy thought.  If he was normal I’m sure he blogged about how dumb I looked trying to be polite.  So we finally got back on track and made it to the venue an hour and a half after we left the stupid apartment.  I was just relieved to actually get there.  It was kind of a culture shock for me to see thousands of gamers marching sporadically towards the convention center. 

Location of PAX East 2012

When we got inside we had no idea where we were going.  We saw that everyone was walking around sporting their PAX badges hanging from lanyards around their necks and we totally wanted to look awesome like that.  My Uncle asked the information desk where we needed to go get a lanyard and they directed us down a hall and around the corner for a half a mile and down some escalators.  The guy did literally say half a mile and the hallway was long enough to fit the description.  We followed his directions and wound up standing in a giant line that barely moved.  It took us almost half an hour to get down to the bottom floor where we had our badges checked as we entered this huge open area.  It was completely empty, well, minus the thousands of people who were herded into multiple lines like cattle gearing up for slaughter.  A lane would fill up with people and then be taped off behind them so the next lane could begin filling up.  The doors to the building opened up at 0800, so had we shown up earlier we probably wouldn’t have wound up in one of the middle lanes.  Our lane happened to be in front of two giant projector screens which kind of made me feel like this was the place the first panel was going down and the screens were our benefit to see better.  Although I really had no idea what was going on or why we were even waiting in line. 

The sign outside of PAX

The way were being lined up kind of made me feel like I was in The Hunger Games waiting to see who would be chosen as tribute.  The winner gets to see the show floor first.  I was even expecting Elizabeth Banks to pop up on the screens in front of the lines to say, “Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor, nerds.”  I suppose I got bored waiting in line for so long that my mind traversed to a dark place.  Shortly after my Hunger Games image, I couldn’t help but wonder if the Jews were herded around the same way.  There you go folks, that’s inside the mind of Halotitan, a man who thinks of terrible shit when he gets bored.    

The floor opened up at 10, but I didn’t see the lines to my right moving until around 1030.  It dawned on me then that we were probably headed to the expo floor with all the booths and fun stuff to look at.  I kind of figured we had other stuff to do, but since we missed our first panel (which was just a welcome to PAX panel) our next one didn’t begin until 12, so we made our way through the line and up towards the showroom.  As we got close we saw that the doors we had to come through an hour before weren’t making people go to the back of the line.  They were just letting people go to the same location I had to stand in line for.  What a load of shit.

Nerd central

Up to this point I thought that this convention was for video games, but I didn’t realize that all those nerds I picked on in high school for playing Magic and Pokemon during lunch were gamers as well.  They even had an entire section dedicated to their unique table top games.  It really made me feel a lot better about how nerdy I thought I was.  These guys definitely have me beat on the nerd scale, but who am I to judge.  Their passion for crazy card games is probably the same passion I have for normal people games.    

The computer area.  Here we come Diablo III and Torchlight II

Further down the way we made it to the main floor.  In between the main floor and the nerd floor was a massive area with hundreds of computers set up for tournaments and stuff.  Most importantly it was where Diablo III and Torchlight II were being shown off.  The main floor was even more impressive with how big it was as well as what was being shown off.  We saw that there were tons of titles to check out like The Secret World, Orcs Must Die 2, Borderlands 2, Far Cry 3, Max Payne 3, Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, Assassin’s Creed 3, Spec Ops, Xcom, and many more.  It was a crazy feeling to see all these things in real life when I’m use to watching them on G4TV or from my Xbox.  Though the expo floor never seems that crowded on video, it was indeed a mad house in person.

Video Nerd Central

Ha, speaking of G4, we were over behind the Xcom and Borderlands 2 booths when I got an inch away from ramming my shoulder into some dudes face.  Yeah he was smaller than me and about as thin as a sheet of paper, but the man spun around at the last second and walked in the same direction we were headed.  As I got a glimpse of his face it dawned on me that the man I almost laid out was none other than Adam Sessler.  Now I’m not the type of person who pees my pants when I see a celebrity in person, especially if that “celebrity” is a person who only gets that title for hosting a show about video games.  Adam Sessler is the co-host to G4’s X-Play, one of the only TV shows I’d be willing to suffer through commercials to watch.  It’s too bad that I don’t get to watch it anymore though because Comcast got G4 in the divorce.  Anyway, we kept walking in the same directions because we had to get upstairs to attend our next panel when we see Sessler talking to someone next to the Spec Ops booth.  That’s when I noticed that it was most definitely him.  I love watching the dude talk about games because he’s passionate about them the way I am and his opinions are awesome most of the time.  Watching him cracks me up too because he talks with his hands a lot and when he’s really getting into a rant he tends to stutter here and there.  He’s like a younger version of Joe Cocker, if Cocker was a television personality.  I wanted to walk up and stutter his name as a joke, but then I realized that it would turn me into a massive douche bag. 

Our first panel was A Day In the Life of Indie Developers (or something along that line).  This was my first convention and I was a little surprised to see how many people were out in the hall waiting.  Most of them were waiting for the Bioware panel that was taking place right next door, but still.  We had just come from the main floor where thousands of people where roaming around and it amazed me to see thousands more waiting to see some panels.  It gave me a better view about how many people were in attendance.  The event was sold out after all.  We actually got some pretty good information from the panel about how to get into developing and how the careers of the panel members got started, but the whole thing became a Q and A session and I really don’t like those.  People can ask the dumbest questions.

“Do you think your games would be better if you had a larger penis?”

“If I start making games, will girls begin to notice me?”

Video Nerd Central Pt2

I left about fifteen minutes before the end because I wanted to catch the Rooster Teeth Panel.  At least those guys are entertaining, even if they’re not trying to be.  If you don’t know who they are, just go Google Red Vs Blue and watch their videos.  They’re a machinima company that found amazing success with their internet web show, Rev Vs Blue.  The series actually uses the game Halo to make their videos, so it’s inspiring to see the success they’ve had from being enthusiastic fans.  I had to wait in line for a very long time just to get in, but it was kind of worth it.  They came out to talk to the fans and introduced quite a few new things.  It has actually been a very long time since I’ve watched their shows, but some of their new stuff looked hilarious.  They’ve also been branching away from using the actual Halo games as the hub to make their videos and have started to focus on animation.   Burnie Burns, one of the actors and the co-creators of the web series was there along with Gus, another voice actor/creator.  They too did that annoying Q and A thing. 

The Secret World/ Rooster Teeth is bottom right

“What’s the stupidest question a fan has ever asked you?”  The little bastard asked a second question, which I found rude because there was a massive line of people behind him hoping to squeeze in questions of their own.   

“Well you just gave us the lamest question.” Burnie didn’t skip a beat and passed the question down the line to the other panelists.

“Why does he get to ask two questions?”  What an awesome response because that’s what I had been thinking moments earlier!  Everyone gave an “awww” reaction but Burnie told them that if you’re in the spotlight for Rooster Teeth, it would burn like hell.  I wound up leaving the show early because I wanted to catch the next panel, but it turned out that it wasn’t something we would have wanted to go to.  PAX that first day was hard because we wanted to try and squeeze in everything that we really wanted to see, but we kind of realized that it would be nearly impossible to do.  I suppose I wanted to learn a whole lot about how to get into the gaming industry and how to be successful at it, but my Uncle informed me that PAX was more about the fans rather than the developers.  Apparently I want to attend the Game Developers Conference (GDC) to learn and I’m not even sure I can go since I’m technically not in the business just yet. 

So as we waited for our last panel of the day, we walked around the expo floor to decide on which events we wanted to participate in the following days.  Our Saturday schedule only had like two panels we wanted to attend and we had planned on playing some games.  After all, what fun would it be to attend such an event and not play some games that have yet to be released?  We toured the entire floor and decided that we wanted to check out Diablo III, Assassin’s Creed 3, Max Payne 3, Borderlands 2, and The Secret World.  With that done and out of the way, we grabbed a crappy meal from one of the places selling food at the venue and went to our final panel, “So you want to get into the gaming industry.”  At least this food had some protein in it, which was the first time since the trip started that I ate a meal that didn’t consist of all sugar and caffeine.

Different view of the floor

This panel was the most disappointing one we may have attended the entire weekend.  The panelists let us know that our passion for games wasn’t good enough because everyone else shared that exact same passion.  Now although they gave us a lot of information, like who the hell needs a resume when you need to show off experience, I felt very discouraged because I looked around the room of like five thousand people and realized that everyone wanted to do this.  Does everyone want to do it because they like playing games?  How many people are serious about making or reporting about games?  It was hard to define really, especially because the guy wearing the T-Shirt stating that Han Solo shot first and Chewy came second, didn’t look like the type of person that I would take seriously.  Then I looked down at my Halo T-shirt and realized that I wasn’t any different.  I’m exactly like all of these people who want in and I learned from this panel that I have to be one of the best.  Regardless, I plan on doing this for a living and if that means I have to bust my ass to be successful at it, then I will.  I also learned that people asking questions really are stupid.

“How can I find out what developers are in my area?”

“Try Google.” 

Hell, I don't even know my name

So we decided since the expo floor closed at six and it was pretty much that time anyway, we’d just go sit down at a restaurant to grab a bite before heading to the apartment for some well needed shut eye.  Unfortunately getting all the way over to Cheers took awhile as well as getting from Cheers to the apartment.  Oh, and we started off by going in the opposite direction so we could meet up with my cousins and Grandpa.  Can I just say that no one at Cheers knew my name?  Liars. 

Dear Journal: My Trip to Boston/PAX East Part I

Well PAX East 2012 has come and gone and I’m utterly shocked at how fast it seemed to pass us by.  I suppose in years past I didn’t pay much attention to them, so the length never seemed to be an issue.  This year was different though.  Why?  Well that would be because my awesome wife heard me talking about wanting to attend some kind of video game expo, mainly because it’s what I want to do for a living, and hooked me up with a three day pass.  I had a few blogs planned for those days, but since I had only come back to the blogging world on the third of April, I decided to do something different.  I cataloged my trip to Boston and have decided to give you a nice layout of my weekend.  I know this is over a week late, but give me a break.  The entire four part series turned out to be seventeen pages and you’ll never believe this, but I’m busy with tons of other stuff like school and kids.  Nevertheless I’ve accomplished it so sit back and enjoy reading about something you couldn’t be a part of because you were too cheap to buy a ticket.

Thursday 5 April 2012:

Going to bed at like two thirty in the morning was probably a bad idea.  Even worse was waiting until Wednesday night to get some homework done.  Sure, I procrastinated, but only because I was being lazy.  Not a good excuse?  Okay, what I meant to say was that rather than procrastinating, I had children to take care of and a house to maintain.  My garage still needs to be organized so I can fit some vehicular units in there and I have landscaping out the ass.  Whoever the hell owned this house before me was an idiot.  They loaded up the entire yard (well most of it anyway) with rocks.  Either they were too lazy to keep up a decent yard, or they were trying to save money on their water bill.  Either way, they can kiss my white ass.  There is probably a couple ton of rocks between the front and back yard that I’m going to have to get rid of, and with my luck, most of it will be by hand rather than a shovel.  Oh, and Scrubs has been consuming me, that’s another excuse for my delay on homework. 

Either way, I got quite a bit of that homework done on Wednesday night so I didn’t have so much to do when I got home from Boston.  Hell, that wasn’t even my primary concern.  I hate leaving my wife and kids because I’ve grown a vagina since I’ve been married and I have these weird feelings that make me miss people when I’m not around them.  On top of that, I can’t help but to be nervous about flying.  I hate flying.  I seriously would rather get ganged raped in prison than to fly.  Scratch that, I think I’d rather drink my own urine than fly.  I don’t want to be raped, so forget I said that.  Sure I could erase it, but I have a family to raise and don’t have the time to back track that far.  I’m claustrophobic and afraid of heights.  You tell me which part of that doesn’t make flying a living nightmare for someone like me.  They shove you in a giant fucking metal tube that goes up thirty thousand feet while traveling at five hundred miles an hour.  It’s enough to make me shit myself, especially when the plane shakes the whole time.  Oh, and don’t give me none of that, “flying is safer than driving” shit either.  I know it is and I don’t care.  It’s like telling a smoker that not inhaling smoke is a safer way to live.  He knows, yet he doesn’t care. 

So we got up early, kind of.  I actually thought my wife was getting out of bed at like 0615 because she wanted to shower and get the kids ready to go to the sitter at a decent time.  I was going to get up with her and help her out.  Instead I got woken up at like 0700 because my cousin, despite being warned the night before, tried to do a nice thing for my dogs.  He opened the door and set off my security system.  I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure to wake up to that, but it sucks.  I flew out of bed and was thankful that I didn’t sleep nude like normal because I hauled it downstairs to shut the alarm off.  No house guest cares to see their host running around naked.  Shortly after the alarm was stifled, ADT called and was all like, “yo dog, your alarm went off, what gives?”  I went through the routine of telling them it was a silly accident and that I was good.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if my wife didn’t set the damn thing off on a regular basis.  I swear, when a real criminal breaks into my house, ADT won’t even call me to make sure we’re okay.  We’re the house that cried rape.  What the hell is wrong with me?  That’s the second time I mentioned rape in this blog.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, my cousin Brian was staying at my place because he too was headed to Boston and I live closer to the airport than he does.  He wasn’t going to PAX East with my Uncle and I, but he still wanted to see the sights.    

The rest of the crew was coming from Cheyenne and didn’t hit the road until around 0730.  Normally it’s like a good 70-90 minute drive to get to Denver International so we figured we had a little time to kill before heading off to the airport ourselves.  A good hour later we showed up at the park n ride place and I get a phone call from my Uncle telling me to suck it.  Apparently my other cousin Brandon (Brian’s brother) was driving and that had to mean that he did at least a hundred and twenty all the way there.  I think it runs in the family.  I can remember riding in the car with his dad back home from Nebraska one time and that man is a pro.

So thirty minutes later we were at our gate waiting for our plane.  I was pretty hungry because I hadn’t had breakfast, so I decided to grab a coffee and a cookie at the coffee shop.  It was a tough choice between that and dining at McDonalds with my cousins.  I figured consuming a plate of greasy laxative would be unwise right before I was placed in a metal tube with a hundred people, all of whom disregarded going to the bathroom before boarding the plane.  I mean seriously people, what the hell?  As soon as that seatbelt light comes off, everyone is headed to drop a deuce.   

Fortunately the flight came and went and we landed safely in Boston.  I think I had gotten this image in my head that Boston was this humungous city, but in reality, it’s not much bigger than Denver.  I think the way it’s all smashed together makes it look much bigger.  It could also be the fact that they have an underground subway and Denver doesn’t.  But then again, Denver is a clean city.  I don’t know how that’s relevant, but I just wanted the Bostonians reading this (if any) to know that Denver is cleaner, in your face.  I mention the size of the city because as we walked through the airport I noticed that there really weren’t that many people, not compared to DIA anyway.

So before I go on about this trip, you should know something first.  It was originally supposed to be just my Uncle and I going because we’re gamer nerd extremists all geared up for PAX East.  Apparently my cousins wanted to tag along so they could see Boston, and then my Grandfather as well because he’s awesome like that.  Well they all live in Cheyenne, except my cousin Brian who lives in Denver (but frequents Chey-town more often than I), so they spent a lot of time with each other planning the trip.  I basically got phone calls asking if I was cool with this or that.  I was naive to think that they had my best interest in mind and I was a dumbass to not pay more attention to what was going down, you know, for my best interest.  All I heard was the following.

Plane Tickets: 250

Instead of hotel, how about an apartment: 99 dollars each

I need that 99 now.  Why?  Because I already paid for it.  What do you mean you don’t want to pay for lodging before you actually use it?  You buy concert tickets ahead of time don’t you?  Well you’re the only dumbass that didn’t get it that we were paying early.

We’ll take public transportation, cheap stuff bro.

It's Boston, Duh.

Okay, so first off, every hotel reservation I’ve ever made has either made me put a down payment on it and pay the rest after I stayed with them, or just made me pay after the stay, leaving out the whole down payment thing.  So no, I don’t trust staying in someone’s house that they rent out to tourists.  It’s not something I would have paid for prior to receiving the service.  It’s the same way I treat my escorts.  So I got shit on for that, but nothing like how I got shit on when we got there.  So just take note that I did blame myself for not being more involved in the planning process, so those of you who attended with me reading this can rest easy.  I am totally aware that you reached out to me about the plans and I said “uh huh” like you were interrupting the football game and I just wanted you to shut up.  So this stupid apartment was in the complete opposite direction than where the convention was.  I don’t mean to be a dick, but I kind of started this trip and I think it’s only fair that we stayed close to where I needed to go.  It wasn’t a bad idea because the tourist travelers in my party visited locations that were far away from the apartment as well.  We all could have benefited from staying in a hotel downtown.    

My next complaint is about public transportation.  Holy cow I hate it.  Not so much the bus, but the subway.  Actually the bus sucked more, but the subway is a cesspool full of what I can only assume to be the bottom feeders of Boston.  Maybe not everyone, but that’s just how I see it.  I grew up being able to get myself around and not ever having to worry about getting on an AIDS invested train three times a day.  Hey if you’re one of those dweebs that plans on leaving a comment telling me that I can’t get AIDS like that, I know, I’m just being facetious, jackass.  So we had to take a subway to get to where we needed to go.  Oh, then we needed to take a bus to even closer to where we needed to go.  Oh, then we needed to walk a quarter mile to the house.  Holy shit, I’d rather hop in the car and drive!  Even better, I’d rather have hotel within walking distance to where I’m going to be spending the weekend.  Again, I didn’t help plan, so I had to deal with it. They planned for budget, but that wasn’t a concern for me.  It was certainly too late for me to back out because Brian took my damn money because he paid for the lodging ahead of time.  I honestly think I may have backed out and found something closer to the venue; anything closer would have been fine by me. 

The place really wasn’t that bad for thirty three dollars a night.  But thinking of that cheap price reminds me of the Days Inn I used to stay in when I use to visit an old disease infested fiancé I had back in the day (she didn’t have diseases then) and I often paid about one hundred dollars for a three night stay.  My room was cleaned every day by someone other than me.  There were plenty of towels, bar soap, blankets, and it even had a television.  This apartment/house/hotel thing in Boston had three rooms with the hardest mattresses I’ve ever laid on.  There weren’t enough towels and the bathroom didn’t have anything to dry your hands off after washing them.  There weren’t enough blankets either because that first night I froze my ass off.  I wasn’t too upset about those things, but what really urked me was the fact that there wasn’t at least a TV.  All I wanted to do when I came home from standing all day was to sit down and see what was on the tube.  But nooooooo.  I suppose I’m being a little pessimistic here, so let’s just say I lived.  I was forced to talk to other humans, but it wasn’t that bad.  I actually hate TV.  I only use mine for movies, games, and sports.  Oh, Days Inn also had Wifi, this place didn’t.  So doing my homework on my Kindle Fire was out of the question.  Damnit!

Looking back on this, I can say that my pessimistic attitude could have been because the only thing I had consumed up to that point was a coffee and a cookie.  If you’ve ever seen those snicker commercials where the masculine dudes become whiny bitches because they’re hungry, just imagine that being me.  I’m a total bitch when I’m hungry and the only thing in my system is dwindling caffeine and sugar.  My cousin Brandon had hooked us all up with a ghost tour that first night and since my Uncle and I weren’t really going to get to see Boston (I actually only wanted to see the skyline in person, mission accomplished), it was a great idea.  The tour was of the haunted placed down town.  It was actually a pretty good time considering it was so cold outside I began swimming in my clothes.  Our tour guide was a hilarious looking dude.  He didn’t really have anything funny to look at, but I guess the reason I was so amused was because he was our “professional” tour guide and he looked like one of those dudes that lived on the street with his mangy dog.  He started us off by saying, “Follow me to one of my favorite spots.”  I couldn’t help but wonder if he was taking us to his favorite dumpster which happened to be behind the nearest Dunkin Donuts.  It wasn’t.  We went to a little area just outside an alley and he opened up the tour by answering questions that weren’t asked by anyone and then he asked us for tips. 

“Yes, the last question is that this does pay my rent, now I’m not asking for tips, but they are appreciated.”

 My Uncle and I heard that differently.

“I’m not supposed to ask you for tips, so I’m saying this as nonchalantly as I can.  Will you give me your money?  Thanks.” 

Taken right before the ghost tour.  Sam Adams.

The guy was a fantastic story teller though.  He took us around the corner, which happened to be the very spot the Boston Massacre took place and told us of a dead black guy that is often seen crying for help.  Then he walked us around the city for awhile telling us different stories about ghosts and events that took place.  It was a very fun tour and the guy, claiming to be a ghost hunter, was very persuasive in letting us know that he tries to debunk things before claiming them to be haunted.  He actually gave us quite a few examples on the way of things that could be debunked.  My favorite part of the tour was the part where we went inside a hotel.  You might be thinking it’s because it warmed me up, and that’s partly true, but it’s also because of the hotel’s history.  Apparently Stephen King was inspired to write that short story, “1408” based on a ghost in that hotel.  I guess some dude killed himself in a room on the third floor and has since become a ghost who likes to bitch slap his guests.  I’d go Google the name of the hotel so you could look it up, but I don’t really care to.    

So by this point we lost my Grandfather and my Uncle to the cold, but we were almost done.  Our street bum was walking us through the park towards some ancient gallows.  No, it was a tree that they used to hang people, and apparently two dogs, from.  He wanted to call the ghosts to come out and say what’s up to us.  I believe in ghosts, but I have yet to see one so at times I can be a skeptic.  This was one of those times where I was like, yeah whatever.  The dude pulls out a flashlight and loosens it enough to make the light go out.  He told us that it could just turn on and off by itself, but ghosts can control it too.  The first couple of times it did turn on and off I remained unimpressed because it was a loosened flashlight.  The wind was probably strong enough to kick it back on and I can’t really believe that a ghost is doing it.  It’s like the one time I was working on a ranch in the summer and the trailer they had me sleeping in had those rectangular shaped light switches.  Well the bathroom light switch got caught in the middle between off and on and in the middle of the night it decided it wanted to be on rather than off.  It scared the shit out of me.  Watching a scary movie in a creepy trailer by myself at ten o’clock at night probably didn’t help my fear any.  I realized the next morning that the switch was stuck in the middle and could have gone either way.  So I stayed up half the night clutching my remote control as the only weapon I could find for no reason at all.  The same concept goes with this flash light this guy set down in the middle of the windy park.

I felt like a weirdo being in this group while a bum was asking if there was anyone who wanted to reveal their presence to us.  If I was a ghost, I would just want to scare the shit out of people, so no; I wouldn’t want to show my presence.  Instead I’d like to rip your mangy pony tail out of your head, or drag you around the park by it.  How creepy would that have been?  During this drawn out “ghost hunt”, I happened to catch our “trustworthy” tour guide putting his hand in his pocket to fidget around with something every single time the flashlight came on or off.  Brandon noticed it too because he leaned over and said, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”  We must have made quite a commotion about it because the dude kept looking at us while we were staring at his hand.  But from there the flashlight “mysteriously” stopped working.  Wow.  Great tour guide, I just don’t get why he had to act like he found a ghost for us.  The stories he told were worth what I paid to hear them.  We at least we got that sort of enjoyment out of it.  I just don’t like when people treat me like some ignorant asshole that isn’t going to notice a shady tour guide controlling his flashlight from his pocket.  This is the same tour guide who tries to debunk everything by the way.  Phony. 

The tour got done shortly after nine PM and I was still deprived of food.  Maybe a cookie wasn’t the smart choice.  It sucked because everything in Boston closed at the late, late hour of nine PM.  Wow.  I had to settle for a Mountain Dew and Snickers from Seven Eleven.  Yay, more caffeine and sugar.  Smart guy I am.  Have you ever seen a gas station downtown in any large city?  I know I’ve never seen one, and this place didn’t have any gas pumps, just the convenience store.  Oh well, we went off to the apartment for some shut eye.  I wound up sleeping on the couch, which was much more comfortable than the sheets of rock they laid on a bed frame at that crappy house apartment. 

I’ll post part II sometime tomorrow. 

I'm Back, Miss Me?

It has been awhile since I've been able to get this mess of words out of my head.  I've tried sitting down to blog and to work on my book, but I have an utter hatred for everything I write.  My buddy Patrick has repeatedly told me to pull my head out if my ass and just write.  Even with his amazing words of inspiration, I've still fallen short in the "I enjoy my writing" category.  So I decided to try something new.

Actually I was sitting here flipping through my awesome Windows Phone 7 and came across the Office app and figured I could use Word to try and type my first real blog from a phone.  Sure, I typed three sentences last November from my dinky Droid, but that sucked.  I figured this would be a nice way to break this writers block or whatever this stump I'm in is called and start fresh again.  At least this way it takes a lot of the pressure off of how anal, haha I said anal, I am about my spelling and grammar.  I just want everything to be perfect, but typing out a blog on a cell phone has made me realize that this could be a disaster and I'm okay with that.

I've always tried to make it so my blog was a writing stepping stone to help prepare me to write a book, but it's not even close.  It has become a very fun hobby though, that is when I don't try to make everything perfect.  I decided to give up on where "This Gaming Life" was headed because it was eating my insides.  Seriously, I'm sure it was just as painful to read as it was for me to write.  Hours of my life were wasted on three of those blogs and they have been my least viewed posts.  That segment was supposed to be about how gaming has impacted my life and I plan to get it back there, so no more rating past games. 

Another thing that has bugged me about my writing is the fact that I'm trying to be funny.  Why?  Because people like funny and they'll continue to come back.  They'll also continue to come back if you write more than once every other month.  I suppose I let myself get a little overwhelmed when it comes to seeing the success others have in an area I'm attempting to have talent in.  Cracked.com has made me want to be funny while The Hunger Games has made me want to talented enough to make the world crazy for awhile.  I know I have the talent, I just feel like my son must feel when he haunches himself up on all fours and rocks back and forth as if practicing a future sex move all because he knows he has the ability to crawl.  I have the ability to write, I guess I just need to hump the air long enough until I figure it out.

Oh, I just thought of another reason I think I let myself fall into this slump.  Other than pretending to be a comedian when I'm more talented being myself and just hating my writing regardless, it was competition.  I wasn't trying to be competitive, but a person I had worked with started a blog almost a year after I started mine and I think it was partly because I pepped mine up so much that it may have inspired him.  He is a talented dude artistically but I didn't enjoy his writing.  At first he began hounding the shit out of people to subscribe to him, check my page to see how many people I have, and then talk to me more about how much people like his shit.  It kind of pissed me off because I pride myself on the fact that the 23 people who subscribed to me did it because they enjoy my writing, not because I tried to make myself feel superior because my subscribers number is higher than someone else's.  This is my hobby and I don't need to compete, but damnit to hell if he didn't make me feel like I needed to.  Was this his intention?  Maybe, I don't know, I just got that vibe when he kept telling me how many people signed up for him every other hour for two weeks straight.  I had to unsubscribe from his blog though, one to cut that tie that we were in competition, but also because he writes about his kids and family and it's a demographic I'm not a part of.  I feel by staying subscribed I'd be as fake as any of the other people who don't read his stuff because they don't care.  He should have subscribers that give a damn and I hope that the 23 of you care about this fucking blog because it isn't going anywhere.  No hard feelings man, just my way of thinking.

So on my phone I have no idea how long that last paragraph is going to look, but one thing im taking away from this experience is the fact that I don't care.  I like having ideas of things to blog about so shoot me a message or an email and let me know your ideas.  Don't be a bitch, just do it.

Good Riddance

***This post contains dirty words because I was in a rather frisky mood when I wrote it.  I don’t believe in the censorship of how I feel and we can really only blame society for making those “dirty” words, dirty in the first place.  Except the “F” word, that’s a legitimately foul word.  So anyway, if you’re easily offended by petty words that really can’t harm people at all, you may want to reconsider reading this amazing piece of work.  But if you’re open to being humored, check it out, dude.  Seriously get over yourself if words offend you, it’s not like they’re stabbing your eyes***

“A man chooses.  A slave obeys.”  ~Bioshock’s Andrew Ryan

Finally, an end to an era that lasted two years longer than it really should have.  My military career as of two days ago has ended five years and eight months after it began.  Nearly six years ago I was a young lazy noob living in my mom and dad’s basement playing video games and getting fat while sucking at college and working a part time job at Wal-Mart.  At first my entry into the military was mimicking a journey my former herpes infested fiancé had begun, but after I dumped her ass and had my heart broken by her hurtful confessions, I decided that instead of joining for her, I’d do it for myself.  I didn’t like living in my parents’ house and I wanted to do something new, just for me.  That, and my dad told me I had six months to get the fuck out.  So I signed up with a new motive in mind, not really knowing what I was doing other than getting out of my parents house and actually doing something with my life.  You know, something other than the whole losing my scholarship because getting drunk was more important than math, or the whole spending my life owning noobs at Halo being more important than actually finding another job to help pay for my own school, type of thing.  I give my sister a lot of shit for living at home with mom and dad, but she has legitimately worked her ass off pursuing the career she wants and deep down inside that is something I envy because her schooling is almost done.  I have the rest of this year before I finally get a bachelors degree at the amazing age of 26.  Wow, slow down and live a little cowboy.

After I left the base, I decided to come home in the most rebellious fashion possible, which was driving the speed limit, to rebelliously change into my civilian attire.  From there I didn’t really know what to do.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs between the living room and kitchen and just looked back and forth between the two like some ass hat on acid who stumbled into the wrong house.  Maybe I’ll clean the house.  I mean, the dishes are piled sky freaking high, the living room looks like a four year old Tasmanian devil (Looney Toons version) wannabe ran through it, and the laundry desperately needs done.  Screw that shit, I should go break something or pee on a cop car, anything to help signify my freedom from the military, although peeing on a cop car could get me in trouble.  Unless I dressed up as a sour patch kid and gave the cops a bag of donuts afterwards.  First I’m sour, and then I’m sweet.  Enjoy the new paint job fatties.  Those commercials are seriously stupid though.  If one of those little fuckers tripped me down the stairs and then laid out a mattress for me to land on, the last thing I would say is, “oh, thanks.”  Thanks for what?  Thanks for tripping me down all of those concrete stairs which have caused massive internal bleeding in my head, a few broken bones, and a blow to my dignity?  Why did you do it in the first place?  So you could pretend to be the good guy at the end?  That would be like McDonalds intentionally making people fat so they could open a brand new gym across the street. 

“Hey?  You don’t like being fat from all that shitty food we serve?  Well we just opened a gym for you to lose all that weight!”

“Hey you did a great job losing all that weight, how about treating yourself to a ShitMCSandwich as a reward?”

Seriously, though, Mr. Sourpatch kid, trip me down some stairs and I will fucking kill you and all the little bitches they package you with. 

Holy cow, and this has nothing to do with what this post is about at all, but speaking of McDonalds and commercials.  Have you seen that one commercial where the guy is like, “I love you” to his girlfriend and she’s thrown off by it so she tells him, “and I think…you’re the egg Mcmuffin of boyfriends.”  He of course lights up like she just proposed to him and then the commercial proceeds to show you a heap of garbage about how the egg mcmuffin is king shit way to describe something "awesome."  One, why is the guy being the chick in the relationship by saying I love you first?  Apparently I mistook his short hair and Adams apple for him looking like a guy.  Two, she totally gave a guys response, talk about role reversal. 

“Like OMG I love you!”

“Yeah um, I think you’re very special too, baby.”

That’s how that goes down in real life, but not here in this commercial.  Instead, the she dude decides to tell him that he’s the reason she’ll have diarrhea within an hour rather than just saying, “I just don’t feel the same right now, it’s only been a week.”   Oh, and the only part that got the right meaning out of the egg mcmuffin reference was the chick in the shitty apartment saying, “he said this was the egg mcmuffin of apartments, the egg mcmuffin!”  Yeah, and he told the truth.  That apartment has diarrhea walls.  We’ll stop there.

Alright, let’s get back to my life altering decision on what I should’ve done on my first day out of the joint.  I decided not to clean because who the hell wants to do that on their first day freedom?  I needed to do something awesome that I normally wouldn’t be able to do while I was in the military.  I came to the conclusion that feasting on a Subway sandwich and having a “Breaking Bad” marathon was the right thing to do.  Take that Air Force!  I’m a fucking rebel without a cause.

So by now, almost a page and a half into this post, you’re probably wondering if there is a reason I put that quote at the top of this.  “A man chooses, a slave obeys.”  I totally nabbed that from a video game character, but a vey philosophical character.  Anyhoo, no, there’s no real reason I posted that up there other than to signify that I’m a born again free man.  I felt like I was a slave a lot of the time I was serving and I’m sure most people in civilian jobs feel the same way when they have Hitler as a supervisor.  Do you want to know what the big difference is between civilian and military though?  When I reach the breaking point, I can’t tell my bitch of a supervisor to fuck off and go catch AIDS without going to jail.  At least when I do that outside of the military, the worst that can happen is I get fired, right?  It’s pretty funny that the people serving to protect the freedoms we get in this country actually lose quite a bit of those freedoms when they sign up to serve.  Perhaps it’s because we have to be better than you.  Oh, and to be better just means that we’re practically grounded all the time and when we’re not grounded, we have to go inside when the street lights come on.  I mean, think about it.  Civilians get paid more money, have less life threatening jobs, and get to talk shit about their President.  In the military, you get paid jack shit, you get deployed and shot at while still making less money than the garbage man, and if you talk shit about the President, you can go to jail.  Which sucks because that was the same guy who tried to STOP paying the military because his greedy ass and the greedy asses that fill up congress couldn’t decide on a budget plan. 

“Hey guys, I’m getting shot at over here in Iraq and I’m not getting paid a fucking dime for it.”  Sounds like a slave to me. 

If you haven’t caught on by now, the military will send you to jail if you fart the wrong way.  I’m not kidding.  I had to sit through that whole UCMJ crap in basic training where they told me that having sex with my wife in any position other than missionary was considered sodomy.  The punch line for that is if you get caught making babies any other way, you’d get thrown in jail where getting slapped in the face by large black dicks is a daily discomfort.  I don’t know what the real punishment is, but that’s an actual military law (Article 125 of the UCMJ).  Not that you’ll have security police hooking up cameras in your bedroom in order to help enforce this law.  In fact, it’s just as useless as that law in New York where the penalty for jumping off a building is death.  Still, they preach it as law which means that if you’re reenacting the Jason Statham/Amy Smart scene from Crank, you’ll be getting punished for a lot more than just public indecency. 

It’s not even the rules that made me feel like a slave, it was the constant vigilance of my life.  Service before self was one of the core values and I honestly think it was bogus to even try and make people enforce it.  You want me to put my lousy job that I fucking hate over my family?  My most recent supervisor, a person I hate more than Justin Bieber herself, had once told me that I couldn’t have one Friday off so my wife could attend her class without worrying about taking care of the kids (the course was six weeks long and I only asked for one day), and that my wife should know that me sitting at a desk playing pocket pool (your tax dollars at work) was more important than her trying to better her career.  It’s that kind of mentality that made me despise it.  On top of that nonsense, the military preached that its members were on the clock twenty four seven.  Oh and they mean it too.  I was woken up at three in the morning one time to go into work to pee in a cup.

“Surprise maggot!  Come piss in this cup or get court marshaled, your choice dirt bag!”

The one thing I disliked most about the Air Force was its stupid obsession with PT.  Yes I understand we all need to be fit for that one time that will never happen where I have to drag my buddies off of the field of battle.  At least when I was in basic training they yelled at us about being combat ready even though most of us Air Force folk who head over to war just sit behind a desk in a tent in the middle of the camp that is protected by the Army and Marines.  Those dudes need to be in ridiculously good shape because they actually utilize it.  Those guys practice their PT and they're dead serious about it.  The Air Force, on the other hand, is like the kid that farts in class because he wants to be funny enough to fit in with everyone else.  Except everyone else hates him because he farts in class.  I know that we’re suppose to project a positive image and that image shouldn’t be of a thirty five year old fat Master Sergeant who's popping out of his blues, but the requirements on the test don’t need to be so strict.  Not everyone is a runner, man, and besides, how much running will I ever do for the military?  NONE!  I was medical administration.  Holy crap, medical admin is the fat kid that gets picked last for dodge ball.  Only this kid gets pounded in the face by his own team as well as the opposing team.  I sat behind a desk for ninety-five percent of my military career doing menial tasks that did not matter. 

The workplace was nothing but a melancholy graveyard of paperwork with petty leaders telling you to stay in shape and to go work out.  By yourself of course.  I mean they were all gung ho about being in tip top shape, but they never gathered the crew to go work out and make it happen.  If they did make a PT schedule, you’d be damned to see them show up even five percent of the time.  They’d yell at you to go, but they didn’t think it was important enough for them because they tote around larger penises and that’s workout enough.  So in a nutshell, at least from what I’ve learned, is that the Air Force likes to talk about being in shape the same way that a non-published writer likes to talk about writing that book he never started (yeah, yeah, point that finger in my direction).

So anyway, I’m a free man.  I don’t have to put up with that demon anymore and I can finally do what I really want in life.  Like writing that book, ha-ha. 

This Gaming Life Part IV: Moving Forward (G-L)

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Gauntlet
This game is freaking old school.  You're basically running around a giant maze throwing weapons at the rapidly re-spawning enemies (until you destroy their spawn) and collect treasure and keys to move onto the next sections.  I played this game four player co-op over Xbox live and it was some of the simplest fun I've ever had.  It does tend to get old after a little while though, as do most old school classics.  I give this game a G.

Gears of war
Gears of War 2
Gears of War 3

Gears of War is the only game to ever challenge Halo for my heart.  It's actually come quite close to winning it too.  The game is set in the future on a fictional planet named Sera, and the human colonies are at war with each other for a new source of fuel.  After eighty years of battle, the war finally ends, only for humanity to be attacked by subterranean monsters hell bent on killing everyone and everything on the planet.  It's a battle for survival, but unlike most games, Gears of War features a magnitude of loveable characters.  The writing is crafted very well and the game play adds to it very nicely.  Gears of War isn't the first game to utilize the third person duck and cover type of style, but they definitely perfected it.  Many first person shooter fans might be a little thrown off by how much slower this game is compared Call of Duty or Halo, so it's definitely something to get use to.  As if the compelling story and addictive game play weren’t enough, Epic Games took their sweet time crafting a beautiful destroyed world.  The graphics in the game are stunning and they really capture the horrors of war and the devastation wrought among the survivors.  I’m starting to get the feeling that Epic Games shits perfect on a daily basis.  It's a heart wrenching tale that I'm sure you'd love if you haven't already played the series, so I'd check it out.  Oh, the novels add much more to the plot as well, so if you know how to read, check them out.  All three games easily get an F.  Check out the trailers for all three of their games, they’re some of the most memorable in my eyes.  Watching Marcus Fenix tote around the desolate streets of a city to Gary Jules “Mad World,” is still a goose bump rendering experience. 

Geometry wars evolved

I'm in a spaceship looking thingy flying around a large rectangle and shooting at a bunch of shapes that are chasing me.  It's a quirky little arcade survival game and it's really not that bad.  Except I really suck at it and that makes me unhappy.  I often wonder if the fact that I suck at math the way Keanu Reeves sucks at acting is the reason I’m not that good at this game.  Or it could the hand eye coordination.  I rate this game M.

Grand Theft Auto 3
Grand Theft Auto Vice City
Grand Theft Auto San Andreas
Grand Theft Auto 4

The king of all sandbox games is Grand Theft Auto, hands down.  The thrill of roaming a real city and literally being able to do anything you want is what this game is about.  The player has the choice to do as he pleases.  The games got bigger and better and included more and more freedom as the series went on and as of right now the icing of this proverbial cake is Grand Theft Auto IV.  The games feature protagonists that work their way from rags to riches by climbing the ranks of organized crime within the corrupt cities they reside in.  A lot of drama, betrayal, and action come with these types of stories and they've always been enough to keep my attention.  If you play Grand Theft Auto IV and really pay attention to your surroundings, you’ll come to appreciate the level of detail Rockstar (developer) put into it.  That hotdog vender on the corner has always made me wonder if he’s still there while I’m across town holding up a bank.  I’m almost positive he is and that just makes the level of detail in the game even more impressive.  So I recommend checking some of these games out if you haven't ever had the chance to fly planes, drive cars, navigate boats, parachute from high buildings, get the army to chase after you, shoot pigeons, shoot pedestrians, steal cars from people, stick up a local food joint, ride a bicycle, lift weights, purchase hot dogs from an outdoor vendor, ride motor cycles, play with machetes, shoot every gun possible, attend strip clubs, get drunk at the bar, play pool, play darts, go bowling, go on dates, take taxi rides, have sex with your girlfriend, have sex with hookers, go shopping, go home and go to sleep, get online to meet sexy singles, duke it out with beat cops, hear foul language, take a tour of the city via helicopter, and participate in a massive gay orgy.  All GTA games get an F and I can't wait for GTAV (which has totally been announced).

Guitar Hero 2 F
Guitar Hero 3 G
Guitar Hero World Tour S
Guitar Hero Aerosmith M
Guitar Hero Metallica F

I've always tried to play the real guitar to no avail.  A monkey learning how to play the piano with his penis seems like an easier feat than teaching me to strum a few cords.  I don't know if I'm uncoordinated or what, but the guitar feels awkward when I hold it and I just can't seem to master it.  Thank goodness Guitar Hero was created for noobs like me.  With five simple buttons, I can master any of my favorite songs, well, whatever songs they released with the game that is.  I never really had the chance to enjoy the original Guitar Hero, but I have played almost all of them since.  The second and third games were really good, but World tour was just absolute garbage.  That game was released after Rock Band.  Rock Band made their debut and showed the world what a real "band" game should look like so of course Guitar had to try and keep up.  From that point on, the Guitar Hero franchise seemed extremely desperate to maintain their level of success.  The series really started to sink when they made games targeted for specific bands.  I only played two of them, Metallica being an extremely mediocre game while Aerosmith rocked my world.  Here’s an idea though.  If you make a game that targets a specific band, perhaps leave all the other bands you think are related out of it.  I want just Aerosmith, not Brittany Spears and Aqua.  To this day though, I’ve still never even to beat “Through the Fire and the Flames,” on any difficulty.  The rankings are above.                                                                                                                                          

Gun

You’re name is Colton White and the man you’ve been riding with just died.  Oh, he happened to tell you that he was your dad before his last breath escaped him.  How shitty is that?  “I’m your dad” *dead*.  Well regardless of how Colton may have felt, he still makes his way to Dodge City in pursuit of the man who is responsible for his father’s death.  We’re taken on a mediocre story of good versus evil, but the fun western game play makes up for that.  Killing wildlife just because you can (and because the animals are dangerous to humanities existence) and pimp slapping Indians are a few things the gamer will encounter.  Also, running mail for the Pony Express and making random bandits your bitch can be seen as well.  It’s not the greatest game in the world, but it certainly did make for a great time.  I rate it G.

Half Life 2
Half Life 2: Episode 1
Half Life 2: Episode 2

Gordon Freeman is the brainy silent type that is well known for whooping some ass while solving puzzles.  Granted, it's the gamer controlling his actions, but fantasy is why we play games right?  Half Life was a tough game to get into because I didn't understand the story.  I missed the first few games so as I progressed through Half Life 2, I was kind of lost.  It didn't matter though because the game play made up for everything, especially when I got the gravity gun.  The gravity gun is a weapon that can pretty much pick up any object and spew it in whatever direction you want.  My favorite was picking up the bad guys themselves and shooting them like fleshy cannonballs towards their comrades.  Running around this massively beautiful world was great; however, I found it to be extremely creepy at times.  A few times in the game Mr. Freeman is encountered by someone I only know as Gman.  He seems to have a supernatural control over Gordon and apparently is watching his every move.  He's an eerie character though because of the way he speaks and the fact that you can spot him randomly throughout the game.  I'll never forget when I was driving a boat with no one in sight only to look towards the abandoned boat house on my distant right and saw Gman adjusting his tie.  He quickly turned and walked away after I noticed him.  Freaking creepy if you ask me.  I loved all of Half Life 2 and its episodes one and two.  They all get an F.

Halo Combat Evolved F

Halo 2 F
Halo 3 F
Halo 3: ODST G
Halo Reach G
Halo Wars M
If you haven't been keeping up with my blog, I'd suggest some back tracking because I did an entire post on Halo alone.  My opinion has already been stated and I've rated the games above.

Hardwood Backgammon

Have you ever played a real game of backgammon?  If so, this game is exactly like it.  If you've never played backgammon, well you're not missing out.  I’ll wait until I wear my pants around my belly and smell like old wrinkly ass before I attempt this game again.  Totally gets an M.

Hardwood Hearts

I love hearts; it's one of my favorite card games.  I think I'd rather play it with people I know though because the computer does nothing but cheat.  Like backgammon, Hearts is exactly the same as the real thing.  No change there, period.  This game gets an M. 

Harm's Way

This is the last game I played that was released for free by Doritos.  It really is a fun game, well at least for the fifteen minutes I played it.  I literally got every single achievement in fifteen minutes because it was that easy.  The basic concept of the game is a blast though.  Teams are grouped into two people.  Each team had a person who would drive the car around the race track like they would in a typical racing game.  The other player gets to sit in a tower with a giant sniper rifle.  You should start getting the idea.  Pretty much the one guy races while his teammate does his best to snipe the other drivers on the road.  It can be a little frustrating at first, but once you figure out how to get a head shot, it's stunningly refreshing.  It's really quite a shame that the driving portion is completely lame and the fun only lasts long enough to get the achievements.  I'd love to see a perfected idea like this in the future.  This game gets an M.

Hexic HD

Hexic HD is a puzzle game that is slightly reminiscent to bejeweled.  Hexic takes the puzzle factor a little deeper though by forcing the player to weed out bombs, create flower shaped patterns with the colors, and create black pearls.  I'm pretty sure that my brain power focuses itself on the right side, so I do struggle a little bit with puzzle games.  The most fun I've had with it was watching my wife work the game with some mad skills.  She’s a freaking guru at it.  It's not a game I'd typically flock to, even during times of boredom, but I will say it's a pretty decent game, especially since it came free with my Xbox 360.  I rate it G.

Hitman: Blood Money

Hiding in plain sight is the name of the game.  Being as quiet as humanly possible while finding unique and special ways to pick off your targets can also be the name of the game.  Killing guards and dressing in their clothes so you can get closer to a target without actually being seen is so much fun.  I actually suck at Hitman, but considering my surroundings and age at the time, I do believe I blasted through this game carelessly.  I'd like to give it another go, only this time around I'll be a lot stealthier than I was before.  I really wish I had gotten into this series long before Blood money because Agent 47 is a stoic character who you want to sympathize with because of how he was treated.  It's just a shame he dies at the end.  Or does he?  He wakes up at the end and kills everyone, including all the bad guys and even the poor priest.  Did I spoil that for you?  Oh well, the game is like five years old, perhaps you should have played it by now if you really cared.  I rate this game a G.

Hunter: The Reckoning  
Gaming was still a very new concept to me at the time this game came out.  I had already gone through a racing game stage, a snowboarding stage, and then of course there was Halo.  Along comes this four player co-op game that was extremely fun to play, yet mildly annoying at the same time.  Let me just say that I'm not a fan of co-op games that force the players to move in conjunction with each other in order for the screen to move along.  Unfortunately this experience makes up most of my memory of the game.  I couldn't tell you squat about the story or much about the game play.  The very last time I played it I can tell you that we got stuck trying to beat a boss, but to no avail.  My Uncle may have actually finished the game in a solo play through, but that's all I would know.  I rate the game a G because I do remember having a lot of fun and co-op games are the key to this gamers’ heart. 

Indigo Prophecy

This game marked the first time that the decisions I made within the game actually had an effect on the plot.  The game is set up as a cinematic adventure and is relatively linear with its storyline.  We take over as Lucas Kane at the time he is stuck in a trance in a local diner.  To his surprise, he murdered a complete stranger for reasons he doesn't even know.  Since the game is mimicking a cinematic feature, we get to play as the other characters in the game as well, namely the officers Carla Valenti and Tyler Miles who are attempting to solve that crime as well as numerous other random murders around the city.  The game play is very unique because it requires a lot of use of the joysticks rather than the buttons (actually I don't really remember using the buttons at all).  Much of the game is spent being guided in a linear path that allows the gamer to change course here and there and even determine subtle outcomes.  The action sequences in the game are also based off the joysticks in a Simon says type of manner.  Press up on both joy sticks and you'll jump, down and right to pull off a sweet fight move, etc.  The entire game is played like this and it's really meant for people who are fixated on good stories.  The story gets a little whacky and paranormal, but it's most definitely a stunning thriller.  Add the new game play style and quirky puzzles to the story and you get what I rated it, an F.  I will say that the censorship in this game disturbed me.  The American version didn’t have as much nudity as the original.  What a shame.

Jet Set Radio Future  

Oh no!  The people of Tokyo are no longer allowed their right to freedom of expression!  Well the dozens of playable characters in Jet Set Radio Future have decided to fight for their right by taking back the territories of the city by literally inking them with graffiti.  What better way to express one's self of expression than to paint your amazing art on random buildings all over the place.  The characters in the game roll around on their roller skates in a Tony Hawk style game.  The big difference between this game and Tony Hawk though is that this game is actually pretty good.  The majority of the time is spent skating around whilst collecting spray cans and do ridiculous tricks on anything this city offers as a grinding post.  Tokyo is your playground and I spent a good ton of time there (yet I still managed to not beat the game).  I rate this colorful and quirky game an F and I highly recommend it, even though it's an original Xbox Title.

Kinect Adventures

With the Kinect, you are the controller.  I had heard about this new technology coming out with the Xbox, but since I consider myself a hardcore gamer, it really wasn't that appealing to me.  Sure I could play good old party and sports games, but in the end, it would probably get as much use as my Nintendo Wii does (none).  A friend let me borrow her Kinect and this was the first game I played on it.  I must say that I was rather impressed.  The game types were fun and easy to learn and I swear to God I lost like ten pounds over the weekend playing it nonstop.  With silly little games like plugging the leaks in the underwater tank, or hitting the red balls down to hall to break the blocks, my wife and I had a blast.  Hardcore gaming may not be ready for gaming without a handheld controller, but it's comforting to know that there is fun to be had in the laid back casual games section.  I rate Kinect Adventures G. 

Kinect Sports
I actually enjoyed this game much more than any sports game I've ever played on the Wii.  Bowling is colorful and fun while boxing is an actual work out.  Even pretending to be a track star that is good at sprinting and jumping is a blast.  I even got to throw the shot put and javelin.  Not all game types are straight forward; in fact most of them have little challenge type game modes that make up for most of the fun.  Sure I can play soccer, but I'd rather trick the goalie and see how balls I can get past the fat bastard.  It's definitely not a dull game and I'm eager to rate it F. 

King Kong  
For a movie game King Kong did quite well.  Following a linear plot, the game treads down the same path as the movie, only in a more interactive way.  Racing through the jungle trying to save the girl was very entertaining as well as the entire New York City scene.  The game play was the only thing worthwhile though, unless you've never seen the movie.  If you've seen the movie, then don't expect anything new.  If all else fails, it's an extremely easy 1000 gamerscore points.  I rate King Kong G.

L.A. Noire
It's the year 1947, one of the deadliest times in Los Angeles history.  We get to play through the story as Detective Phelps and watch him climb the ranks in the L.A.P.D after his career in the military.  The game play is rather slow, yet interesting.  As an officer, we get to go to crime scenes that are murder, traffic, drug, or arson related.  Arriving at the crime scene we must search the area for clues and from there, using the clues we find to successfully interrogate the witnesses/suspects.  The game is really unique because Team Bondi (developers) used a new technology that captured real life actors and actresses so that their facial features and expressions show up flawlessly.  This would often help determine whether or not you could physically tell if the person was lying.  The story started off strong and it was pretty intriguing, but I do have to say that close to the end it took a nasty twist and ruined the entire plot.  To make matters even worse, the ending was terrible.  I did enjoy playing as a detective working to solve the mysteries, but unfortunately the game being a little too slow and the nasty story twist gives this game a G rather than being a favorite.    

Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead 2

I was first intrigued for Left 4 Dead when I saw the trailer for it, but playing it hooked me for life.  It may not be the best zombie game on the market but it certainly has been innovative and creative.  It's a four player co-op game that allows the gamer to play as one of four characters as they fight their way through different zombie filled scenarios.  Each chapter is relatively short which paves the way for multiple playthroughs.  The game is featured as a first person shooter and provides the gamer with many different weapons and tools to use against the massive zombie hordes.  Be careful though, not all of them are as easy to dispatch.  The game actually threw me for a loop when I realized that it featured special infected that each had their own advantages over the survivors.  The smoker has a tongue that can lasso a survivor from a great distance and actually drag them away from their friends while the horde mauls his face.  The worst of them all would be the tank, which is describes him perfectly.  It takes a massive amount of bullets to thwart him and if teamwork is absent, you may find yourself dead.  The first game was my favorite, but the second game isn't bad at all.  It added a bunch of new weapons and special infected as well as making the campaign scenarios connect together and follow a linear plot.  Even though these games give me horrific nightmares (seriously), I rate them both F.

Limbo
Like the black and white movies of the past, Limbo's setting is dark and rigid.  We wake up a black boy.  No I don't mean the race, but literally the color.  All we can see of the boy or any other solid object in the game is the outline.  The world is purely black and white with the characters themselves being colored in black.  His primary defining feature would be his white eyes.  The game is basically an obstacle type game.  We take this little boy on a journey through the jungle where he'll face giant spiders, other little boys who try to kill him, giant flies, rotating saws, cliffs, electricity, and even water.  It's a side scroller as well, which makes navigating rather easy, but due to the difficulty of some of the obstacles, this game can cause a little bit of a headache at times.  That's it, that's the game in whole.  At points he sees a little girl playing by herself, but he can never seem to reach her.  Perhaps the name Limbo fits the game very well.  I rate it F.

Lost Odyssey

I never really got that far into this game and I'm still undecided about whether or not I should care.  Lost Odyssey is a Japanese role playing game, a.k.a I punch you, you punch me, I punch you again, until someone dies.  I find it to be an extremely redundant and an absolutely tedious process.  The only real thing that kept me playing that game as long as I did was the stunning graphics and semi decent plot.  I did wind up quitting though when I couldn't defeat a boss with the dumb strategy fighting.  I rate this game M, solely for the fact that the fighting sucked major ass. 

Lost Planet

What's the story again?  No idea except I'm running around in the third person format killing aliens that come in the form of giant bugs, worms and other humans.  I get to roam around with giant guns on a giant snow planet while occasionally hopping into a giant mech, which is super awesome.  I really do wish I remember the story better but it really wasn't all that good.  The gameplay was the best, especially the epic worm battle.  The final boss was freaking crazy tough to beat, but I accomplished it baby.  I rate the game G.