Um, Red Pill Please

One foot after the other, I make my way towards the break room so that I may consume my mediocre microwavable meal in the company of people I don’t like. Feeling in a particularly good and goofy mood, I raise the spoon in my left hand up to eye level and stare at it intently. “There is no spoon” I muttered eagerly, half hoping one of the idiots I work with heard me and will provide a chuckle for my satisfaction. The only laughter returned my way was when the doorway forcibly told me to watch where the hell I’m walking, jabbing itself into my shoulder.


Pfff, freaking door doesn’t even exist. Nothing does. Nothing but my mind and the people around me exist. Therefore, this pain in my shoulder caused by the fabricated door is a fabrication itself, a lie that my mind has made real. You see, years ago we created artificial intelligence called SkyNet, funded by Cyberdyne Systems. Unfortunately, SkyNet became self aware and attacked humanity because it viewed us as a threat. We torched the skies to kill their energy source, but in turn they just captured all of us, striped us naked, and placed us in see through bathtubs filled with pink goo. All the tubing protruding from our bodies keeps us well nourished while at the same time plugging us into a false reality to keep our minds busy. We didn’t know, not until I just told you, that we’re actually being harvested as battery power for the evil machines that turned on us. This is why my shoulder pain isn’t real, and neither is the spoon.

Of all things that were fascinating to me in the true story of “The Matrix”, the scene with the bald, I’m going kill myself to live on a comet, looking children was the best to me. The kid was bending a spoon using only his brain (compensating I bet), and Neo, the talentless noob (portrayed by a talentless actor) who fills the role of the protagonist, is astonished at how the child is able to perform such an act.

“You cannot bend the spoon, that is impossible, instead, only try to realize the truth.”

“What truth?”

“There is no spoon”

I’m just kidding, that part was boring as hell. The best part of the movie was when Neo and Trinity killed everyone to death at the security desk of that building. Totally awesome.

How true was that kid’s statement though? There is no spoon, just like there is no job, money, homes, and movies. It’s all just a made up story placed in my head by the machines that control me. What a weird relationship we have with these guys. Seriously though, none of us can really complain. I mean, we need each other to survive. We nuked our own planet and rendered it pretty much useless while at the same time stealing the energy source (the sun if you didn’t catch it the first time) the machines use to survive. Well someone had to take action for the greater good, or else the whole world would’ve been dead. The machines use us to keep themselves alive, and in return, we get to live a normal life, who cares if it’s in our head? I mean sure we’re not really eating that juicy steak, and instead we’re having something put into our system to keep up alive, but at least we’re not awake to taste it. That would be like being awake while the doctor gives you a vasectomy.

*What? They do keep you awake for that?*

You know, on second thought, what a crappy existence, you imprison me to this tub, surrounded by millions of other people chilling in their own tubs, hook my brain up to a network and feed me fallacious horse shit and call it reality? Why would I want to go back and live the same old boring life that I had before the rise of the machines? I don’t enjoy doing the same routine every day. Hell if you want to use me for energy, then how about allowing my mind to live in paradise while you use my body as the energizer bunny? Set me on an island, erase natural disasters and death, and let the people I love be there too. Oh, and bring lots of video games, that would be nice. Only issue would be that we’d get bored right? Well every year or so, switch up the scenery. One year a tropical get away, the next the snow capped mountains of the Rockies. Why can’t I have that option? This really makes me feel like a prisoner and I don’t appreciate that. Oh, and I actually have to pay for my games still? Ridiculous.

Here is what I want to have happen; I’d like to be set free by an ugly black man and his crew of pale white skin, dark clothed Goth freaks. Hell I sit in a cubicle, shoot me a fed ex brother and let me answer that phone. John Connor isn’t going to get me out of here; he’s too busy running from Arnold. Don’t worry John he’ll grow tired of chasing you and wind up cheating on his wife, you should have enough time to escape when that happens. Seriously though, get me out of here so I can learn that crazy shit you guys know how to do. You know, Kung Fu, expert marksmen, hurdling sky scrapers, making a satisfying dish of Crème Brulee. You know, that stuff.

But Cody, it’s not possible to learn things the way they did in that movie. Um, yes it is. That movie was a true story. But, Cody, would you really have fun leaping from skyscraper to skyscraper? Yup, I shoot aliens in the face all the time on my Xbox and those games are just as real as the air I’m breathing. Wait…what am I breathing? If this reality is nonexistent then I’d like to have some fun with it. Sleeping in a nice and comfortable bed and being able to eat heartedly at breakfast beats sleeping on a metal cot and getting runny snot to eat in the morning (and lunch and dinner). I’d only leave this place when stuff got out of hand, like the one time they tried to make a woman the President. How’s that going to work, if you’re running the world, who’s going to make my sandwich? Oh sexist jokes are funny because they’re not true. I am pretty hungry though.

I’d choose this fake world over reality any day. Living off of snot, floating around the underground tunnels, and living in an underground city close to the Earth’s core? Yeah, I’d rather live on a street corner next to McDonalds holding a sign that says, “Hunger Attack, get this man a Big Mac, beer money would be much appreciated.” I just want Morpheus to take me out of this long enough to gain some skills and knowledge so I can reinstate myself with the knowledge of how to be amazing. I could become famous, rich, and did I mention famous? I would be known as “that guy from Colorado”, the man who can leap over skyscrapers, whoop your butt with some kung fu, shoot the balls off a nat from a mile away, fly a helicopter, read a book in two seconds, bend a freaking spoon…..using…..his…..

“Cody! Wake up! You’ve been in here sleeping for over an hour; get your ass back to work!”

“Dude hold on a sec. I have a very important question. Is the Matrix real?”

“You’re an idiot.”

I pick my spoon back up and stare it as I make my way back to my desk. Now my other shoulder hurts and the spoon has yet to move. Reality is boring.