Divorce is one of the hardest things I think anyone ever has
to deal with. I’m sure there are worse things in this world such as the loss of
a loved one, being stranded on an island, or being forced to watch every season
of Jersey Shore, but those things don’t make it so divorce is any easier. I
don’t care if the divorce needs to happen, it’s still hard. Add the fact
that I suffer from adjustment disorder and things get crazy. I truly have a
hard time adapting to change and here I am seven months later finally sitting
down to write about it. When my ex wife approached me about divorce, I was
crushed. I still am. I didn’t want to do anything with my life. I just wanted to
drink rum and bury myself in a video game for days so I didn’t have to deal
with it. I wanted to feel numb so bad, I still do. I just wish sometimes that I
didn’t love her or care about her, but I’d be lying to myself if I told you I
didn’t.
Divorce is
the death of a marriage, a seven-year tenure in my case. For the past 8 years
I’ve known this woman and together we have two beautiful children. Losing her
just sucks. I know a lot of people tell me I’ll be better off and that
everything happens for a reason, but I’m just tired of it. I’ve buried myself
these past seven months beneath my self-hatred and depression and when I go
around people I put on my happy face. My personal friendships have suffered, my
finances have suffered (and my lawyer is fucking rich), and my well being has
suffered. Hell, because I’m sure no one
noticed, I haven’t blogged ONCE this year. Sure I have three posts up, but
those were stories I had to write for school. I’m talking about the times where
I would sit myself down and actually write because I wanted to. It’s been since
November of last year…wow.
Don’t get
me wrong, I’ve sat down and tried to write, but as usual I hated everything I
say. I feel like I’m nearing the end of my depression phase, but that shouldn’t
stop me from picking myself up and moving on. I need to break free of this
lonely monotony I’m trapped in. I need to get out and join a book club, take up
guitar lessons, or anything. Fortunately I started a web-comic with a good
friend of mine and that has gotten me back in the mood to write. It’s something
I need. But still, I heard someone say recently that the only thing worse than
hitting rock bottom is staying at rock bottom. That’s what I’ve been doing and
it’s time I put my big boy pants on and take that step forward. There is so
much I want to do with my life and a lot of it involves me being a writer. I’m
nearing the end of my bachelor’s degree and I desperately want to make
something of myself. I want to design video games and write stories for them. I
KNOW I can do this for a living and I’ll be damned if I don’t.
So maybe
everything does happen for a reason. What the reasons are for my divorce, I
have no clue. Maybe it’s because I’m supposed to marry Felicia Day in the
future (OMG please), but who knows? I control my future and I plan on doing
that by taking the reigns on my life. No more moping around like a defeated
Denver Broncos team, no more acting like a puppy that is kicked on the daily,
and no more pity parties for myself. I want to apologize to anyone who may have
frequented my blog consistently only to see that I haven’t been posting anything.
Now you know why and I do plan on doing my best to dig myself out from
underneath the pile of garbage I’ve been hiding under. If you’re interested,
please check out our Dead Ned comic over at lifewithsuperheroes.com, I think
you’ll find it a damn good read. My buddy Zac is a very talented artist and, if
you’d please pardon my arrogance, I’m a pretty awesome writer. Ha, but
seriously. I’m climbing my way back and I hope to see your smiling faces
popping over here to see what’s up with me.
