Hash

     My small one bedroom apartment smelled like dirty gym clothes that have been sitting in a locker room for weeks. The sink in the kitchen was overflowing with dirty dishes and the trash was so full that its contents had spilled over the edge. I sat on the couch watching my best friend, Nathan, play a zombie video game while I nursed my fifth glass of rum and coke. I could ask him to clean the place up since he’s unemployed and has been living here for over a year, but I doubt he’d do it.

     “I really think this shit could happen bro.” Nathan startled me for a second because we had been sitting in silence for so long. The only sound has been the gargled and mushy sounds of the flesh hungry zombies and the shotgun Nathan was using to put them down.

     “What?” I asked.

     “Zombies. It could totally happen. It starts out in a hospital. Some moron is going to eat year old meatloaf injected with rabies or some weird shit and wind up at the doctor to figure out what fucked him up. Next thing you know, everyone’s dead!” Nathan cried. I stared blankly at him before swallowing what was left in my glass.

     “Did you hear me?” Asked Nathan.

     “I did.” I replied. “I’m ignoring you because you’re a bit of an alarmist.”

     “Screw you. There’s nothing wrong with having a bomb shelter in the woods just in case something bad happens.”

     “I should go buy a tank, then,” I said.

     “Tanks aren’t going to be that effective against zombies anyway. Buy a crossbow or a really sharp sword.

     “I’ll get right on that,” I said. I got up and headed into the kitchen for another glass of rum. The empty freezer put a pit in my stomach.

     “Where’s the rum?” I asked.

     “You drank it all, Captain,” replied Nathan. I slammed the freezer shut and walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open, flooding the room with light.

     “Sweet Jesus, what time is?” I asked.

     “Day time I’m taking it,” said Nathan as he squinted to see the television better.

     “What day?” I asked.

     “Tuesday, what’s with the twenty questions?”

     “Nothing, I’m just realizing we haven’t left the apartment in almost a week!” I stared down at the crowded street where dozens of people were lazily strolling around. Most people were in the middle of the road while others grouped up on the sidewalks. I didn’t pay much attention to it and closed the curtain.

     “You said all you wanted to do was smoke weed and get drunk since you got fired.” Nathan put the controller down and fiddled with a plastic bag on the coffee table. “And we’re out of pot too. We better stock up before withdrawal kicks in.”

     “I thought weed wasn’t addictive,” I said jokingly.      “Fucking comedian, let’s go before I lose my nerve.”

     “One second, I need to grab my crossbow.” Nathan smirked at me as he held the door open. We stepped out into the musky hallway.

     “This place is such a dump, you can actually see the dust particles floating in the light shining through the window at the end of the hall,” said Nathan.

     “Have you seen the apartment?” I asked.

     “Yeah, so?”

     “Hypocrisy thy name is,” I said.

     “Don’t get all philosophical on me, bitch.”

     “Philosophical? I was calling you a hypocrite.” We reached the lobby floor and headed towards the entrance. Large furniture blocked the door and massive boards were tightly secured to the windows.

     “What the hell is going on?” Nathan asked as we approached the blockade.

     “I don’t know.”

     “Quiet!” said a harsh whisper to our left. Nathan and I looked over to see Sarah, our barely legal neighbor, cowering in the doorway to the management office. She wore a white tank top and blue jeans that looked dirty and torn up. Her blonde and nappy hair hung over her eyes as she peered in our direction.

     “Sarah, you look, uh, riveting,” I said.

     “Where the hell have you two been? I thought you died,” she said. Nathan and I looked at each other confused.

     “Died? We were cooped up for a week.” I said. Nathan walked to the entrance and peered through a gap between a red couch and a broken bench.

     “You should go grab your crossbow, X.” He said. I walked up next to him and looked through the gap. The same people I saw from my window continued to roam the streets. From this view I could see their snarled, decaying faces as they dragged their dead feet on the pavement. I jumped back in surprise.

     “Is this a joke?” I asked.

     “I wish,” replied Sarah. “Some moron ate a rabies infected hamburger last week and he infected half the hospital.

     “I told you!” Cried Nathan.

     “How does that happen? With all zombie hype you’d think people would know how to kill one without getting bitten,” I said.

     “Xavier, my shelter!” All we need is a car and we could get there in thirty minutes.”

     “All the roads out are blocked, they’ve isolated the entire city as far as I can tell,” Sarah replied.  

     “If we can get to I-20 we can hike from there.” Nathan rushed up the stairs.

     “This is a nightmare, I mean I literally have to be dreaming,” I said. “Do you have access to your car?”

     “Yes, but we can hold up here until we need to leave,” she said. Nathan came running back down the stairs holding his game console and bag full of games. I moved away from the gap as my shirt snagged the broken bench freeing it and collapsing the blockade. All the furniture came down in a loud crash causing the zombies outside to close in on our location.

#

     I sat in the passenger seat of Sarah’s Mustang as we crept through downtown.

     “Who gives a shit?” Yelled Nathan. “They’re already dead!”

     “I’m not scratching this, it’s brand new!” Yelled Sarah.

     “You’re going to get us killed, you should have let me drive,” he said. Sarah gracefully weaved her freshly waxed ride in between groups of zombies as they smacked the windows.     

     “Hey pull over real quick,” said Nathan.

     “What the hell for?” I asked.

     “Dude, I totally didn’t stock the shelter with any pot.”

     “What?”

     “I kept trying, but every time I needed some I just took it from that stash.  I didn’t want it to go stale. Pull over!”

     “You’re an idiot,” I said. “Who cares about that crap, I just want to get to some place safe.” Ignoring my concerns, Nathan opened the door and stepped out. He ran across the road and into a run down apartment complex.

     “Is he crazy?” Sarah asked.

     “He’s normally pretty careful about this kind of stuff except when he wants to get high. I wonder if he has rum.”

     “Christ, you’re both idiots.”

     “Where the hell am I supposed to stop? They keep coming at us.”

     “Let’s just follow him, they won’t mess with your car if we’re not in it, right?”

     “No, we should just leave him.”

     “We can’t, I have no idea where his shelter is,” I said. Sarah sighed and backed her car up towards the complex. Gunshots rang out from the direction Nathan ran in.

     “You’re right, we don’t need that dopey pothead, let’s go!” I yelled. Nathan ran round the corner holding a large backpack. Shortly behind him two men emerged firing guns in his direction.

     “Fucking go!” He yelled as he jumped in the car. Sarah started going forward at the same slow pace she had been. “Faster!”

     “I’m not going to damage my car anymore tha—“ The rear windshield caved in as the gunshots rang closer and closer. Stunned by the sudden threat, Sarah slammed on the gas and bolted forward into a crow of zombies who went flying over the windshield.

     “Dude, what the hell?” I asked him.

     “I figured he was already dead. The door to his apartment was cracked open so I just went in and grabbed the backpack he keeps his product in.”

     “Then what?” I asked.

     “Then he started shooting at me. Apparently he’s not dead after all.” Nathan began rummaging through the bag.

     “No no no! Xavier, it’s not here.” Nathan’s panicked cries didn’t faze me. “Dude, freak out a little please!”

     “Why?”

     “Um, because we have no pot.”

     “I’d rather not get eaten,” I said. “We’ll deal with that issue later.”

     “Well what’s in the bag?”  Asked Sarah. Nathan held the backpack forward revealing dozens of panties. I reached in and pulled out a handful.

     “Was your dealer also a pimp?” I asked.

     “Your hands are probably covered in disease right now,” Nathan replied. We all laughed as Sarah drove towards I-20.

#

     “I can’t believe he didn’t have any pot in his bag,” said Nathan as we began our hike into the woods from I-20. “What kind of sick bastard collects panties?”

     “I don’t know, the same kind of bastard who’s carrying them to his shelter?” Asked Sarah.

“Hey, we don’t know how long we’re going to be stuck in this shelter, maybe you’ll need some fresh…”

     “Gross. Stop it,” said Sarah.

     “Are you sure you know where you’re going?” I asked.

     “Of course, just keep heading north and we’ll run into a small shanty town eventually. My folks live there.”

     “We’re going to your parents house?” Asked Sarah.

     “Um, yeah. Where do you think the shelter is?”

     “Xavier, please tell me I didn’t waste my time coming out here,” said Sarah.

     “The dude is completely paranoid about this kind of stuff, so I’m sure it’s legit.”

     Nathan led the way through the forest for a while longer. I began hearing laughter off in the distance that sounded like a bunch of schoolgirls having a pillow fight.

     “Did you hear that?” I asked.

     “I did,” replied Nathan. Sarah shook her head no.

     “It came from that direction,” I said as I pointed.

     “What the hell are you two talking about?” Asked Sarah. Without answering her, Nathan and I took off in the direction of the laughing. The closer we got, the louder the laughing grew. Only now the laughs turned into moans of pleasure.

     “Dude, it sounds like they’re banging each other,” Nathan said in excitement.

     “Is this the right direction?” Asked Sarah. “I thought you said we should stay north.

     “We have to save the girls first,” exclaimed Nathan.

     “What girls?”

     “The moaning ones,” I said.

     “I don’t hear any—“

     “Shhhh!” The moaning had stopped and was replaced with a louder male voice mumbling something.

     “Dude! What the hell?” Yelled Nathan. We ran into a clearing where an aged log cabin sat in desolation. Nathan and I looked at each other and approached it cautiously.

     “Go inside,” he said.

     “Why don’t you go?” I asked.

     “Dude, those hot babes could be dying for all we know and…”

     “You two are unbelievable. Some dude left nasty porn on his television. I’m actually pretty disturbed you could hear it from all the way over there.” said Sarah. Nathan and I walked over the window she was staring in and saw the smut she was looking at.

     “That was a waste of time,” I said.

     “Maybe we could at least, save the video,” replied Nathan. Sarah and I scoffed and began walking back in the direction we came in. As we neared the edge of the house I caught a glimpse of yard behind the cabin. It was a beautiful field of pot plants. Row after row of fresh cannabis greeted me as I moved closer.

     “Nathan,” I said.

     “What?” he walked over to where I was standing and fell to his knees.

     “That is a lot of pot,” said Sarah.

     “I knew it. There is a God.”

     “Do you know who lives here?” I asked.

     “Who cares bro, let’s just grab this shit and get out of here.” Just at that moment there was a banging at the back door. Ignoring it, Nathan began delicately placing the plants in his backpack along side the panties. The back door kicked open and a drooling zombie walked out.

     “Nathan we have to go!” Sarah yelled. Nathan jumped up and reached into his backpack. Out came a pair of panties that he reluctantly chucked at the zombie.

     “Wow,” said Sarah.

     “I guess you’re stuck with the panties you have now,” I joked as Nathan zipped past us as fast as he could.

#

     “Mom? Dad?” Cried Nathan. “Hello?” We checked the quiet house for any signs of his parents.

     “Maybe they went looking for help,” I said as we walked down into the shelter.

     “Who’s that?” An elderly voice called out from below.

     “Pop, it’s me!” Replied Nathan as he ran to embrace his parents. “I thought you guys left.”

     “Nope, we came down here when we saw what was happening on the news.”

     “Thank God,” Nathan replied. “Hey, this is Xavier and our neighbor, Sarah.”

     “Pleasure to meet you,” said Nathan’s Dad. “Make yourselves at home.” Nathan took that more literally than we did. He plugged his game console into the television and sat down on the couch.

     “They’re should be some rum in the freezer back there, X.” I relaxed a little.

     “Idiots,” said Sarah.

     Nathan shook his head. “Who’s ready to get high?”